To find that “I’m an empath” actually means I’m a complete attention seeker

[Covidchameleon]

Ok I’m being bitchy. And grumpy. But have seen this twice today used by completely people to completely justify being a drama queen.

To be fair in general - I tend to find that anyone who self proclaims them self as any personality type then tends to proceed to be irritating.

I've become an introvert over the years. I agree with the statement that says do not listen when someone tells you who they are. They are probably talking crap. They are definitely only describing their idealised version of their own subjectivity. I can read a room, and i can read people very well, but my conclusions and intuitions can not be tested, and I'm going to bias my findings and accept only proof that supports my own view of myself.

But yeah, I'm exhausted mostly by dealing with the emotions of others. But equally it could be that withdrawal from social life is entirely selfish. I could ascribe it to a nice sounding label to make myself look better, or simply accept that not caring could be a result of caring too much, or caring too little.

A far better analysis starts at the level of society and deduces from this the truth of individuals. My conclusion is, we are fucked. We are selfish, we are avaricious, we are lost, we are empty, we have little purpose beyond consuming stuff, and we are very sick indeed.

I am very wary of anyone who feels the need to tell people in real life what they consider to be their personality traits. As a few pp have said, often they are actually the opposite but they are invariably self absorbed. For example, I know:
Person A- who tells anyone who will listen that she is a 'people pleaser'. In reality she is incredibly self centred and has somehow got a large group of fans who run around after her but if she is ever asked to help someone explains that her instinct is to say yes but she is too much of a people pleaser so if she helped this time she'd end up helping everyone with everything.
Person B- claims she is 'highly sensitive and thinks too much'. Actually she is only ever thinks about herself but thinks she should not be challenged if she says hurtful things to others (she couldn't possibly have meant to be hurtful as she is so sensitive so it would be unkind to point out how she's made someone else, who is obviously tougher than her so can take it) feel. It's also a handy excuse to get other people to put themselves out so she doesn't have to (everyone else can cope with disruption better than she can).
Lots of person C's- describe themselves as 'Crazy/whacky' etc. Everyone knows that (unless they are under 18 and can be expected to grow out of it) they will almost certainly be tedious and self centred.

A very me me me self absorbed acquaintance told me she had lots of empathy for people. How I laughed inside.
Some people are just deluded.

@Hesnotlocal the People Pleaser Description really made me laugh. Sounds ripe for a character in a sitcom.

[quote lborgia]@Nottherealslimshady - again, as well as being pretty unpleasant (how tedious to have to deal with people who have life long issues because of abuse!), but you’re confusing two very different things.

What you describe is not being empathic.[/quote]
How is it not? Empathy is understanding and sharing other peoples emotions, that's exactly what I described.

And did I say anything about abused people being tedious? Yes some people are like this due to abuse and that's sad. The difference is, this thread and my comment are about people deciding to take pride in their inability to regulate that. The people that call themselves an "empath" and take over any emotional situation even if it's not their own. Because of their inability to control their empathy.

People seem to think that because others dont say or express their thoughts and feelings that they're not feeling it. Which is why people think that autistics dont empathise, because some autisitics are less expressive of those same thoughts and emotions that neurotypicals express.

I'm autistic, I can put myself in any situation and feel what I'd be feeling, so I get upset about alot of horrible things, I am the elephant being shot that's afraid and confused, trying to fight the invisible thing attacking it, I'm the little boy being crushed to death in the footwell while his mother pretends not to notice, I'm the widow who's husband went to work this morning and was murdered while getting his lunch. I feel it and it crushes me and it makes me depressed and anxious. What I don't do, is expect sympathy for feeling those things, particularly not from the people actually going through that.

The people being complained about on this thread aren't those who empathise well, it's those who claim to empathise well to gain attention and sympathy.

I think that's the key.

If someone is truly what they claim to be, do they have any need to tell the world? You only need to tell people things about yourself that are not obvious. And if the personality traits you claim to have are not obvious, do you really embody them?

People need to stop trying to be “different” and realise we are all different
@2020iscancelled - Yes.

Every now and then you come across these soft-spoken, inwardly glowing creatures who stoke your self-confidence even when you feel like a miserable, old grouch.

They listen intently, they rarely talk about themselves, they’re nurturing, and they assume the best in people (which is nice when you’re me and you get period cramps/nausea every month that give you RBF).

They would not label themselves as “empaths.”

@Nottherealslimshady exactly. I recall many years ago having the most self absorbed friend who did exactly this.

Another friends grandmother had died and her reaction was quite literally to say “oh I know how you feel, my dog died last year! The proceed to start crying about her dog”.

Funny enough I’m not in contact with her now.

People need to stop trying to be “different” and realise we are all different
Yes!
We are all unique. It's called having a personality and the most interesting people to speak to don't tend to be the ones labelling themselves to draw attention to how different they are.

I know a self-proclaimed empath who is the most self-obsessed person I've ever met, who does nothing unless it benefits her! Drives me bonkers

@OverTheRubicon

God yes. My sister's an empath. As far as we can work out, this means that if anything bad happens to any of us, she gets so worried and upset that it either becomes all about her, or we are never allowed to mention our own suffering again.

Love her, but do wish there weren't encouraging names for this particular character trait.

This!!! So much this

@MrsPernicious

Why did I google Earth Angels? Nearly as bad as Dragon Butter

I can't see why you'd have a problem with dragon butter...

Meanwhile, I agree with the idea that those who declare they are this or that personality type tend to be self absorbed wazzocks. A bit like those who call themselves "Nice Guys" generally aren't.

OMG just googled Earth Angels - I actually knew someone who said this was them! They described it as a light worker!
I recall when I met DH (15 years ago) she tried to do a “reading” on me and said he was suspicious, hiding something and no good would come of the relationship. Funny enough I got a feeling she was a bit put out that I wasn’t single anymore.

@LolaSmiles

People need to stop trying to be “different” and realise we are all different Yes! We are all unique. It's called having a personality and the most interesting people to speak to don't tend to be the ones labelling themselves to draw attention to how different they are.

This.

It's misappropriated by complete twats.

I'm an introverted empath and being around people is exhausting.

I just keep my mouth shut around people, otherwise I walk away drained.

I've been described as an empath. I don't know if I am or not to be honest, I just am who I am.
I'm a pretty crap judge of character if quite a few of my ex's are anything to go by though!
And I can now recognise the "I'm a good guy, I'd never cheat" spiel bollocks, having had that experience, as them priming me for what they intend to do in the future.

I'm pretty good at reading facial expressions and body language, be crap at my job if I wasn't, because part of it relies on being able to do that in order to care for someone properly. I want to give the best care I can and if I face a situation where I don't think I have, I worry. Is that because of how it makes me feel or because I know someone's lacking because of my actions? Does feeling like that make me a decent person? Or an empath? Or a naval gazing twat who's interests are turned inwards? Does it really matter as long as I am professional and the people in my care get the best care possible? As long as I don't make people feel worse?

Found this thread quite thought provoking really, as having been described as an empath more than once, and the negative association attached to that here. I do find highly emotional situations hard, but then doesn't everyone? The difference for me anyway is how you deal with that. Do you weep and wail and cry and sob over it to anyone that will listen, or do you go off to yourself and deal with it privately or with one or two trusted people?
I've been in a management role (different industry) and told by my managers I'm too much for the staff and not enough for the business, and take things too personally. And I found being in that role very hard mentally. It's just not for me. Does that make me too sensitive? An empath? A wet blanket? Liable to be taken the piss out of? (And yes I've been described as that too!)
Whatever other people's views of me are, the basic fact is I'm just me. I'll sometimes put myself out for someone else, and do something I don't want to really do, sometimes I'll lock myself away from life for a little while - but doesn't everyone live like that? Do I have to have a label attached to me to validate who I am, can't I just be me?

Most empaths won't actually broadcast the fact. I'm one. I don't discuss it with anyone in real life.

Sometimes it is usual but most of the time it is a pain in the bloody arse.

A far better analysis starts at the level of society and deduces from this the truth of individuals. My conclusion is, we are fucked. We are selfish, we are avaricious, we are lost, we are empty, we have little purpose beyond consuming stuff, and we are very sick indeed.

Sadly I think you're right.

When my DH died, my mother (who'd met him once) rang family members keening and wailing that she'd "lost her son in law". Too much trouble for her to attend the funeral though, or even send flowers (she asked me to do this on her behalf because it was "too painful"). I was in actual pain, reeling from my husbands suicide. Is she an empath then?

@GeidiPrimes - I imagine she probably calls herself that... or “Too sensitive” or something like that. I’d be more likely to call her a narcissistic bitch, though. I’m so very sorry you had to go through such an indescribably horrible experience like that, and then have someone try and make it all about them - and not even attempt to be there at all for you. I hope that you have chosen a “real” family who carry you in their hearts.

@Covidchameleon

Ok I’m being bitchy. And grumpy. But have seen this twice today used by completely people to completely justify being a drama queen.

To be fair in general - I tend to find that anyone who self proclaims them self as any personality type then tends to proceed to be irritating.

"I'm an empath" avoids having to say the truthful alternative: "I have piss-poor boundaries".

I definitely think your description of her is more correct Justilou. And thanks .

Seems like many people here take issue with people describing their strengths and weaknesses. Working in a male dominated environment, it's been pretty much drummed into me to know these, and make use of them. And also to pull people up, especially other females, and not push them down.

I assume you lot are trying to be different by proving your not like the people who are poking fun at, but really, most people are pretty average and similar, empath or not.

IME the problem with empaths is that the feelings that they are deeply in touch with tend to be their own.

That hits the nail on the head completely. Someone I have the misfortune to spend a great deal of time around recently announced on FB that he's an empath. What he actually is is a manipulative bully who couldn't give a toss about you as long as he's the centre of attention and the favourite. He's nice because of where it gets him, rather than genuinely being nice.

What I do hate and do find intensely fake and irritating is those who flock around to support someone, not because they actually want to support that person, but for the sake of being involved and privy to the drama/gossip/attention and looking like a good person themselves.

Oh God, this in absolute spades. I know someone else (do I have a magnet for these people? A beacon perhaps?) who's got herself designated a 'Mental Health First Aider'. If I was having a mental health crisis, she would be absolutely the last person I'd want to deal with - it would all be a way for her to show what a wonderful person she is AND make it all about her. Throw in a lot of "You OK hun?" said loudly so everyone knows she is The Helpful Caring One, and some inspo-waffle she got off Instagram dressed up as her own sage philosophy and I'd rather be on my own, thanks.

Seems like many people here take issue with people describing their strengths and weaknesses.

No, just describing themselves as "an empath," because empaths don't exist.