To find that “I’m an empath” actually means I’m a complete attention seeker

[Covidchameleon]

Ok I’m being bitchy. And grumpy. But have seen this twice today used by completely people to completely justify being a drama queen.

To be fair in general - I tend to find that anyone who self proclaims them self as any personality type then tends to proceed to be irritating.

Maybe I haven't met an empath yet. I have met a few patronising people though

Are you suggesting my post was patronising towards you? It certainly wasn't intended that way, and if that's how it came across, I apologise.

I think what sounds so jarring about 'empath' is that it is used in the way we typically use job titles or vocations, not the way we usually describe personal attributes.

'I am a' phrases might include: [job], parent, woman, pensioner, keen musician, athlete, gardener. Those are all externally apparent or verifiable facts about what we are and do.

We don't use 'I am a' phrases about personal qualities or skills, that while real, are often more subjective, like intelligence, sensitivity, generosity, kindness.

We might say 'I am a very empathetic person', or ...intelligent / sensitive / generous / kind person. What we are though, is a person. The degree to which we are any of those qualities is inevitably varied, subjective and comes to the fore more in some situations than others.

Whereas saying 'I am an empath' sounds as though there is some objective standard of empathy that has been achieved, rather like 'I am a chartered surveyor' but more so, that this is a perpetual, immutable feature of that person, like 'I am a white woman' but, even more so, one that is always to the fore.

It sounds very odd to my ear, to hear a personal quality, that exists among many others within that person, one hopes, described so monolithically.

Whereas, used to describe a race of aliens, the grammar of 'an empath' makes perfect sense; one either is, or one isn't.

I've become an empath but I've never told anyone (except for now)

@Flowerblue

I am one. Though I would never admit it out loud to anyone. It’s not a lot of fun in any case.

I have a friend who genuinely is too. She would be a brilliant counsellor but it would probably be the death of her. She just 'gets' people to an unbelievable degree.

I do put this in the same category as misphonia and whatever it is when people are scared of holes. No one had ever heard of it till it was a thing on Facebook now everyone has it

@PreTishBerson

Some people are just not that empathetuc though. They are stoic, cold, cynical, selfish, abrupt, brusque. I don't get all this hatred to a fantastuc quality. If normal is a scale then an empath is more generous and intuituve with their and others feelings that other 'normal' human beings. It doesn't mean they are angels or will never make mistakes or misunderstand some things. In fact i think its a bad qualitu because it ends up draining and hurting the poor empath as they tend to be too aware and too sensitive and absorb the vibes and energies given off by other people.

Why do you have such a problem with it? People have no problem saying they have a sense of humour, kind, great listener... what is your problem with empathy?! God knows we all could use some..and no not everyone is an empath!

Again it’s the self advertising. If you are mind, have a good sense of humour or are a great listener - you show it - you don’t say “I have a great sense of humour”.

So, what threshold does one have to pass to move from being 'quite an empathetic person' to becoming 'an empath'?

Is there an institute of empaths that defines and maintains standards? If not, how does anyone know whether they are one, or are just a slightly more than averagely empathetic person?

Going back to other personal qualities and the 'I am a' construction. One could say 'I am a Mensa member' (intelligence), 'I am a super-senser' (sense of taste), 'I am a philanthropist' (financial generosity), 'I am a life boat volunteer' (public spirited generosity). All of those, except philanthropist, are quantifiable and verifiable; they tell you that a certain threshold has been surpassed.

What is the threshold between 'an averagely empathetic person', ' a very empathetic person' and 'an empath'? Who measures ones ability and allocates the title?

My sisters ex-domestic abuser tells people he's an empath. (He's not. He's a self-absorbed Man-child with a wholly un-merited superiority complex.)

And also that he "shares all his food with the birds and the foxes."

He likes to send his "marks" videos of him feeding seagulls to establish his "good guy" credentials.

He's a strong candidate for the worst human in existence now that Peter Sutcliffe's dead.

I haven't RTFT, but empath is one of those words that people should never describe themselves as, along with intelligent or eccentric. Truly intelligent or eccentric people don't describe themselves as such. They're the sort of things that other people will naturally notice about you. I used to know a guy who was always going on and on about how intelligent he was, but he was actually incredibly thick.

"Good sense of humour" often means "I'm in to really inane, misogynist comedians and I don't understand why women don't laugh at my jokes".

'Good sense of humour' tends to mean 'I share offensive memes and videos on Whatsapp'.

Followed by 'What's the matter with you? Can't you take a joke?'

@tectonicplates @Gingernaut I always think of David Brent if someone self describes as having a GSOH

Actually, it's not unlike the people who say (on here and in RL) that they should do x (stand up for themselves, say no to a exploitative friend, tell their alcoholic BIL that, no, he can't come and stay for four months etc), but 'I'm too much of a people-pleaser!'

The person in question clearly thinks this is both a bit cute and fuzzy as flaws go, and that it gives them the ultimate opt-out when it's objectively fairly clear they allow themselves to be exploited on a regular basis, because, hey, they're just like that, and there's nothing to be done, because they're 'just too giving' and 'people take advantage'.

The thing is, so-called 'people-pleasers' have a not-unusual personality defect, like meanness, laziness or a bad temper -- they are too afraid of people disliking them if they refuse the slightest request so they trot about abasing themselves for people they don't even like or respect. It's not cute, it's a sign of poor self-esteem and poor boundaries.

Believing you are 'an empath' isn't dissimilar. It suggests you think you have a special type of personality that is more sensitive and feeling than other people's, when in fact what you have is trouble regulating your emotions. Most of us are empathic. Most of us read a room automatically, know quite accurately what other people are thinking and feeling, enter vividly into other people's troubles, even those of strangers, are appalled and upset by news stories, moved by art etc. Those are normal human experiences. If you can't handle yourself in day to day life without these overwhelming you, then you have work to do on regulating your emotions.

Believing that you are 'an empath', set apart from the rest of humanity by your sensitivity to feeling, is about as sensible as believing you are an 'indigo child'.

@GrandUnion someone upthread gave a great description of their “people pleasing” friend.

Lol fair point @youvegottenminuteslynn. I suppose I wouldn't know all the times someone could have lied and I'd not have realised. I suppose the point of OP's post is about people who identify themselves as an empath and sort of forcefully announce it to others/mention it a lot. I wouldn't say I talk much about it, only if it happens to come up in weird conversations with friends I suppose. And I certainly wouldn't introduce myself as an empath to others!

@Hardbackwriter

Can I add to the list people who describe themselves as 'needing to put themselves first more'?

Oh god yes! My ex is always saying this (to his children)... and coincidentally is also a self proclaimed empath (and most definitely a narcissist!)

'I've been described as an empath. I don't know if I am or not to be honest, I just am who I am.'

You're not. It's not a real thing.

Tbh anyone who feels the need to label themselves should just use the word twat

@Ihatefish it would save so much hassle wouldn’t it

“Sorry I just can’t listen to your troubles today as I’m an twat empath

I agree with you @GrandUnion.
I used to be a people pleaser, stress myself out because I was always worried about what people will feel or think etc. When someone expressed they were unhappy I'd automatically think that I need to change my behaviour etc.
Basically a really immature empath.

Once I sorted my self esteem and understood that they are just other people's feelings, and learned the effect of other people's feelings on mine, I learned to separate them and get on with my life. I basically grew up.

Still catches me out occasionally though.

Oh dear God, if anyone described themselves as an Empath to me, I would die a little inside and swiftly make a break for the door. If anyone is interested I happen to be an Intolerant.

I had a former friend who self diagnosed herself as an "empath" and told me all about how hard it was for her to go through such a terrible thing. This was while we were in hospital with me having only minutes before been diagnosed with cancer. She made it all about her as usual. Not an empathetic person at all apart from superficially.

She also said she could see and feel exactly what everyone was thinking. Except she really couldn't of course but she would treat you like shit and blank you because of what she THOUGHT you were thinking. Then she would come snivelling up to you saying she didn't know what she had done and why I had been avoiding her! It was utterly batshit.

She acted appallingly one time too many in the end and ended the friendship which prompted huge rage from her.

I then found out that psychiatrists believe that many people who self-profess themselves loudly to be "empaths" are in fact covert narcissists....or sociopaths. They're two sides of the same coin.

@Hernameisdeborah I laughed when I read this! I have a dodgy acquaintence who told me the second time we met that people call him an 'old soul' and he is totally unapologetically self-absorbed and immature!

I then found out that psychiatrists believe that many people who self-profess themselves loudly to be "empaths" are in fact covert narcissists....or sociopaths. They're two sides of the same coin.

It makes sense. You have to be spectacularly self-absorbed to make other people's feelings about yourself.

I’m a catpath. If there’s Dreamies I’m ‘there for you’ will allow you to luxuriate in my beautiful fur.

Otherwise you can watch my arsehole disappearing out the cat flap.