To find that “I’m an empath” actually means I’m a complete attention seeker

[Covidchameleon]

Ok I’m being bitchy. And grumpy. But have seen this twice today used by completely people to completely justify being a drama queen.

To be fair in general - I tend to find that anyone who self proclaims them self as any personality type then tends to proceed to be irritating.

@Porcupineinwaiting

IME the problem with empaths is that the feelings that they are deeply in touch with tend to be their own.

Yeah I agree with this.

People who tend to be highly empathetic have sometimes been abused in childhood. Abused children have to be on extra high alert for anything which might harm them- they have to be extra good at tuning into the mood of their caregiver, picking up clues from face and body language. It’s a bit like being the deer in the herd that notices danger first. There’s nothing weird about it.

I take it to mean: “I make everyone’s problems all about me and how I feel.”

@StormBaby

I am what those memes would call an empath, am also most likely undiagnosed autistic and I would never proclaim it all over Facebook. I hate drawing attention to myself. I find it excruciating. Being highly empathetic is a curse, not something to show off about. It’s draining, worrisome, isolating. I can walk in a room and feel peoples moods. I know what people are thinking. I’m a perpetual fence sitter as I see everybody’s viewpoint. Even people I hate. It stinks

But you're clearly not an emotional vampire, which is the most accurate way to describe the people that op is referring to. Ds1 is autistic and cannot cope with people's emotions and runs the fuck away. ExH hangs around and makes it all about him.

@Frenchtrench well it depends I suppose. Walk into say a room where people have been arguing and still angry - a need to remove yourself as soon as possible. Or if someone you care about it’s very upset and say crying - a few tears yourself (or at least a need to hold some back).

I believe myself to be an "empath", but the only person who knows this is my husband.

If I have a friend or family member who is having problems I find I take on their emotions and I feel tired, drained and emotional afterwards. They would never know though (I am probably known for my rational, no nonsense advice.)

@PickAChew that’s it!! An emotional vampire! That’s exactly what I mean.

People who tend to be highly empathetic have sometimes been abused in childhood. Abused children have to be on extra high alert for anything which might harm them- they have to be extra good at tuning into the mood of their caregiver, picking up clues from face and body language.

That's hypervigilence. It doesn't necessarily mean you are any better at reading emotions although it can link to being quite good at emotional manipulation as a defence mechanism which requires at least surface empathy.

If I have a friend or family member who is having problems I find I take on their emotions and I feel tired, drained and emotional afterwards.

Doesn't everyone do this with people they care about?

21:47DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe

YANBU, I'm pushing 60 now and have learned over the years that when anyone tells you what they are like, you can pretty much guarantee they are the opposite.

Yes to this ! Especially irritating is "I'm so crazy I am "
Err no you're not !

I can feel the emotions of people around me, if they're distressed I am also distressed, and I worry about them afterwards. If they're happy it uplifts me too. I didn't know that made me an empath, I thought it was called 'being a sentient being'

If someone you love is in pain and you walk away feeling buoyed and delighted, there'd be something unusual about you. If you walk away feeling down you're normal.

Word meanings shift, empathy always meant more distancing and separation of emotions.
Websters: Sympathy, constructed from the Greek "sym," meaning together, and "pathos," referring to feelings or emotion, is used to describe when one person shares the same feelings of another, such as when someone close is experiencing grief or loss. Empathy is a newer word also related to "pathos," but there is a greater implication of emotional distance. With "empathy" you can imagine or understand to how someone might feel, without necessarily having those feelings yourself.

I had one friend burst into tears after my DF died and tell me it was worse for them because they had only met him a couple of times. Therefore they had lost a potential friendship.

Self validating on FB etc, whilst pretending to support others; this one really bugs me
Sometimes you just need a friend. The times are so difficult right now. I am doing a Mate Check-in. Showing support for one another. I need seven mates to post, not share , this message to show you are always there if someone needs to talk. I’m pretty sure I know who will. Say done on my post. Who are my seven??
Forget that one of their group has just lost a loved pet, another has a suddenly ill DC, it is all "validate me and my amazing empathy for my friends."

I may be in a ranty mood

What is it these days with people describing themselves like this?

I’m an empath instead of I’m empathetic? It’s so weird.

@Covidchameleon but those are all very obvious situations. Instead it's more like the hyper vigilance @Flowerblue is describing. Picking up minute changes in body language, tone of voice, speech patterns. Being sensitive to the emotions of others or changes in atmosphere, especially when thinking they may have been caused by you. Or feeling somehow responsible for lightening the atmosphere. It's totally exhausting and limits how much social interaction I can deal with on a daily basis.

The problem with saying simply emphatic is that this sort of describes a voluntary personality trait to me, rather than an involuntary reaction to my environment that I can't turn off. The negative reaction I'm having is a buttload of stress and anxiety. I'm high-strung, it kind of goes hand in hand, but I definitely don't think it's a gift of any kind.

Then I suppose I don't go around telling people I'm an empath normally. I just did on here for ease and lack of other descriptive term.

@MustardMitt because saying “I’m empathetic” is like saying “I’m normal - not a sociopath” and therefore doesn’t carry the same cachet i assume

This is such a nasty and spiteful thread. 😭

When did it become ‘empathetic’ rather than ‘empathic’? Is it an American thing?

It’s normal to pick up minute changes in body language and tone of voice. That is most of how humans communicate.

Feeling responsible for changing it is compassion not empathy.

Picking up minute changes in body language, tone of voice, speech patterns. Being sensitive to the emotions of others or changes in atmosphere, especially when thinking they may have been caused by you.

But again this is all just... normal. We're social animals and extremely good at picking up subtle social clues. It doesn't need a special label.

I thought it had always been empathetic?

@Nikori did you accidentally trip over and land in Aibu?

@Frenchtrench what you describe still sounds completely normal in terms of picking up on cues and wanting to lighten a dense atmosphere.
Though anxiety would exacerbate perhaps how long you think about it for, or how far you’d go to avoid being in the same situation again.

@Covidchameleon it's not always about whether a behaviour in itself is normal or not. That is a little like saying to someone who's got clinical depression that 'everyone gets a bit sad sometimes', or talking about how we are all 'a bit OCD.'

So what's the difference between someone who has empathy in the normal way and an "empath"?