AIBU husband or son???

[alladinisalive]

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

Well considering you ds does these things on purpose to get a reaction is disrespectful, and I don't think I would always take his side over it, especially when he's laughing at his dad, however your dh is massively over reacting to something that's not that important so I wouldn't be taking his side either. If he just told him off, fine, but screaming for 3 or 4 hours and then ignoring everyone for days is ridiculous. He sounds very high maintenance.

DH needs to learn to behave like an adult. His extremely rigid views of what DS “should” be like. He is obsessive about the cleanliness of your family home.

Your DH sounds like a complete prick. Your DS behaves like this as he is craving any kind of attention from his father who treats him like shit.

Your husbands an arsehole who doesn't want anything to do with his son because he isn't the boy he ordered. Tough shit your son doesn't like football, you should love him and connect with him on his interests.

The only attention DS gets from his dad is when he torments him so that's what he does. He's got no respect for him because why would he? He just shouts over stupid things and doesn't respect his son. Might aswell get a laugh out of him if you're gonna get any love.

Aw poor diddums DH not getting the 'perfect dream son' who loves fubble & brum brums. And so he ignores your son - who then does anything to get his attention. And only doing 'wrong' stuff gets his attention.

And you're asking who's unreasonable?

I think he finds it really tough that he can't have this relationship with his own son that he had with his dad, Because my sons interests are so completely different from his he can't relate to him at all. I have had to learn to relate to him and also have learnt so much from my sons interests by taking an interest in them. I admit it bores me and I had to read up and do my research so I could be involved DH thinks I have indulged him too much by showing an interest and in his eyes I have encouraged it and therefore have maybe inadvertantly damaged their relationship!!!

I think your husband is in the wrong actually.
I dont see your sons behavior disrespectful I see it as a cry for attention to a father who has never fully accepted him. It sounds like the only way he gets any interaction. I feel really sorry for your son. Imagine being ignored by your own father because he didnt like your choice of hobbies. It would be bad enough wanting to 'stamp out' his obsessive interests if he was a NT child but I imagine to a child with autism this could be devastating.
Does your husband want to change? Does he not see how his own behaviour has an effect in his son? Has he tried finding any common ground and faking an interest in anything his son likes? Does he ever spend any quality time with him? I think if things carry on as they are, you will have a very damaged boy on your hands

You really need to ask?

No your son shouldn’t be purposefully winding him up but as you said it’s for attention, as most behaviour is. You DH needs to address his priorities and get a relationship with his son not his carpets.

Your poor DS sounds desperate for attention from his dad.

Your dh sounds like a knob. He clearly doesn't see that he's as self involved as your son by insisting he should like football or cars. I don't see the attraction here at all.

Your husband is a dickhead!

It sounds like your DS and your DH have more in common than they may realise.
Just different obsessions.
Could DH be autistic to a degree?
Just a thought.

Also would he have been like this with a daughter? Surely he has friends and family that he is close to, who he has different interests to? You can get on with someone and love them without liking the same things. He is being ridiculous. The chances of his son enjoying the same couple of hobbies as him, out of the millions things he could have chosen, are tiny

Has your husband been assessed for Autism ? His reactions make me wonder if he's a lot more like his son than he realises 🤨

Your ds is desperate for interaction and attention from his dad. Your dh has to take responsibility for this relationship and fixing it. He needs to start by proactively showing an interest. And he needs to stop being a sexist twat.

I think my husband is probably autistic too because he has a huge need for order and extreme tidiness. Although they are very different in their interests their obsessions and rigidity is very similar!!!

DH is completely unreasonable. It sounds like your DS only does this because it's the only interaction he gets from his useless father. Your DH needs to show some positive interest in his son if he wants his behaviour to improve, but also to realise he lives in house with other people and can't dictate every minute detail of there lives. How old is your DS? If wearing bloody black socks without slippers is deemed so rebellious now that it results in hours of screaming matches then just imagine how this will escalate as he gets older.

Your husband doesn't sound like he likes your son.

He doesn't work with your son's condition.

He doesn't value your son for who he is, instead of as a comparison to the son he did want.

He's spending 3 or 4 hours having a screaming argument with a child - that's not good or healthy, for your son, or his behaviour (or the behaviours he can control). Or your husband, to be fair.

People aren't speaking to each other in the house for days on end - not speaking to your child for days on end is emotionally abusive. Your DH is an adult. Your son is a child, a neurodiverse child at that, pushing boundaries - and what your DH is modelling is that sulking and ignoring someone and withholding much-needed support and parenting is acceptable.

I would be having a come to jesus talk with my husband, if I were you: either he gets parenting classes for parents of teenagers/children with autism, specifically, or counselling, and possibly family counselling as well. Or I'd consider my marriage over.

I know that 'LTB' is a kneejerk reaction on here a lot of the time, but your husband is not responding to your son in a good, helpful or healthy way, AT ALL. And he also apparently finds your son a disappointment. That'd break my heart.

I'd also be cautious that you're apportioning blame equally on them here, with the 'son deliberately pisses him off'. All behaviour, neurotypical child or otherwise, is a function of something. Your DH apparently doesn't engage with your son as a person, because he likes different things to him. Your son is attention seeking in the way that works - by winding DH up. That may not be right, but it's sad nonetheless.

This is so sad.

Your son is reduced to wearing the 'wrong' coloured socks to get attention from his father 😢

Why does your DH get to dictate everyone else's sick choices?

I have had to learn to relate to him and also have learnt so much from my sons interests by taking an interest in them.

Yes and if your DH was a decent father he'd do the same! I'm bored to tears by Disney princesses/Harry Potter/whatever but it matters to the children in my life so i pay attention. And I'm not even their parent!

Your DH CAN have the relationship with his son that his father had with him. Taking an interest in your DC's interests is part of the job of parenting (even if you dont share those interests) you dont decide not to engage with your DC because they dont share your interests

Your son is being disrespectful to you both. Purposely making dark marks your carpets is not on - it is your home and you need to tell him to stop. But I have to ask the question - why are you buying him these socks that leave black fluff everywhere? Get some that don't and bin the others. You both need to be on the same page re discipline here - your son is old enough to know better and you should back your DH up.
No wonder your DH is pissed off.

It is perhaps very telling that you refer to him repeatedly as “my son” rather than “our son.”

Your post makes me feel really sad for your DS who is acting up because that's the only way to get his dad's attention. Who cares if your DS's interests aren't the same s his? I think as the adult your DH's behaviour is shocking.
My DD is also autistic and I listen to her special interests and try to take an interest as I'm aware that no one else shares her interests and that DH and myself are her only real outlet.

I have two autistic sons. I’d leave their father if he behaved like your husband does.

Your husband is horrible. Your poor son.