AIBU husband or son???

[alladinisalive]

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

Your son is a child and is therefore behaving like a child, badly behaved but understandable really when his dad is setting him such a pisspoor example. I couldn’t live with a man like your husband so if he was my other half he’d be gone. No way would I put up with his behaviour.

Nobody is in the wrong. Your OH stress triggers are what they are. We all have some. The result is the same: stressed and therefore reacting aggressively.

Your oh is probably caught in a vicious circle. What would help him relax (ie. a clean tidy house) is turning into what stresses him. He could do with working out on his anxiety through CBT.

At the sane time, your DS needs to be respectful of his dad anxiety trigger as much as he will expect people to respect his.

As for their relationship, it is hard when indeed they have little in common. It's your oh responsibility to make an effort though and try to find one activity they can share and enjoy together.

his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets.
Sorry but I just laughed at that. .

Your dh needs to get a grip and needs to be made to realise that you don’t get children to order, the child you get is the child you have.

I would say though that you need to discourage your DS from deliberately winding up your DH. While your DH is in the wrong and needs to do something about it, your DS isn’t helping the situation by causing these arguments. As much as he wants his attention this isn’t the way to get it, and even though your DH is wrong in how he reacts, your DS is also partly responsible for the atmosphere in the house.

My ASD daughter uses her special interests as a way of coping with normal life. It's her escape. Please don't let your husband take that away from him. The consequences can be awful.

My partner has found it very difficult to accept our daughters diagnosis. He always insisted that she was just quirky and stubborn. But it's become glaringly obvious as shes growing up. Atm our dd doesn't want to be around him much and purposely tries to rub him up the wrong way. He'd get impatient and raise his voice at her...a big no no for her. He accuses me of pandering to her at times because I take the time to involve myself in her interests and hobbies. She's already feeling very alone in her own world so I slowly inched myself into her interests so we've got something she likes to talk about with me, and it's given us a closeness. These things come naturally to me but not at all for dp.

He's sought some advice and help through autism uk. He's had some parents support group zoom sessions with other parents of newly diagnosed children. He's found that very very helpful.

I think he finds it really tough that he can't have this relationship with his own son that he had with his dad, Because my sons interests are so completely different from his he can't relate to him at all

But this is your DH’s problem, not your Ds’s. Your DH seems to want to be able to choose and control his child in the same way he controls carpets.

Do you have a Dd? Does he expect her to be into football and cars (she might be, up to her, of course) , or just write off any possibility of a relationship with a daughter?

TBH your DH sounds not 100% ‘typical’. Rigid, obsessive and an inability to regulate his responses.

I would speak to your Ds about not deliberately winding anyone up, but in truth I would find it hard to tell someone they couldn’t wear black socks for fear of someone’s shouting because it feels like appeasing something that is wrong and too much like the walking on eggshells that abused women and children live with.

I would find the whole situation exhausting and in the end, since you cannot get rid of your Ds I would get rid of your DH.

What does he bring to the family well-being except carpets?

Sorry: missed the post about your Dd.
But now I see your Dd walking on eggshells and complying with his unreasonable demands as the price of a ‘great relationship’

Nobody is in the wrong. Your OH stress triggers are what they are. We all have some. The result is the same: stressed and therefore reacting aggressively.

this is a really poor statement.
So, dh as an adult, is not responsible for his stress triggers, and not responsible for his aggressive reaction?

Take that to it's conclusion and it would be ds fault if his dad hit him.

It is a round about form of victim blaming.

Dh is an adult. If he has massive stress points, then he needs ot deal with them.
I would be sympathetic if he was trying to deal with/work on them but struggling, but he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem. He is putting on the blame on his son

and several posters said - just buy him white socks. t

really? Apart from the fact that most kids have to wear black socks for school uniform, that is doing exactly the same as the dd tidying her toys away before daddy gets home. It is an unreasonable expectation and they are all pandering to it.

Now, I do get where the suggestion is coming from. If I had a problem with eg black socks, and acknowledged that it was MY problem, and asked the family to help me as I found it stressful, then the family may well stop wearing black socks for example. There is a very important difference between the 2 situations. One is demanded the other not.

Fucking hell op, what do you plan to do to change the situation?

I think you need family counseling. I'd guess your DH is also on the spectrum (and you agree) so I don't think general family chats are going to help. I think your DH needs to be helped to understand that autism isn't something to be ashamed of - that's obviously been ingrained in him from his experience as a child (when things were very different). His reaction is one of fear. Counselling should help you as a family to communicate better and to soften some of his fear. But you need to do something - this can't continue.

Saying all that, sock fluff drives me bonkers.

Your husband is being a dick. End of.

ok...not sure if this has been mentioned before but seeing as ASD is usually genetic and essentially your DH comes across as pretty rigid in his thinking e.g. regarding your son's interests, his house etc....has anyone mentioned that he may also have ASD?

Clearly your DH should try and relalte to his son on his level.Winding people up in purpose is rubbish but we as parents do have to engage with their kids on their level -thats just life. I mean most parents of toddlers dont love playing house for hours on end but we do it for our kids. However, the fact that yiur DH seems unable or unwilling to change his mindset might also point out that he himself may have traits of ASD

* Your poor DS sounds desperate for attention from his dad.*

This is what stands out to me the most. Negative attention is the only attention that he can get from his dad.

@Lurchermom

I think you need family counseling. I'd guess your DH is also on the spectrum (and you agree) so I don't think general family chats are going to help. I think your DH needs to be helped to understand that autism isn't something to be ashamed of - that's obviously been ingrained in him from his experience as a child (when things were very different). His reaction is one of fear. Counselling should help you as a family to communicate better and to soften some of his fear. But you need to do something - this can't continue.

Saying all that, sock fluff drives me bonkers.

This.

(Except for sock fluff, which I have never seen on carpets )

This type of story is really upsetting and I can't believe you even have to ask which side you should take....

Your son has a medical condition and that is bound to affect his behaviour.

Your husband sounds like an immature, unpleasant individual who blames his kid for just being himself rather than the ''perfect'' son he had pictured. He is the adult in this equation but behaves like a child throwing a tantrum. Your kids should not need to be mini-me with the same interest as yours for you to love them.

Frankly in your shoes I would have a serious and urgent talk with your husband (and frankly that should have happened years ago) and get him to improve his parenting skills. If not I would show him the door. Your son deserves better than some anally retentive bully.

When I was ten I loved bird watching and joined a local family group. My dad came, even though he had NO interest, to spend time with me. I still remember that feeling, of being important enough and that was over 40 years ago now. I went to watch football with my dad to be with him, and fell in love with it. I was very close to him at that age. I got closer to my nana by walking her dog with her. Common ground or bring interested, it cements relationships.

Your dh might be disappointed that he doesn't have the relationship with his son that he wants, but well 'tough'. You can't guarantee your kids will be interested in the things you are.

Your ds needs boundaries and needs to understand that there are some rules that he needs to adhere to. Winding his dad up isn't the right way to get attention, and let's face it, that's why he's doing it. Even negative attention is still attention.

Your dh however is the adult in this relationship and needs to behave as such. He needs to find a way of giving his ds attention without it being negative attention. It might not be football, or anything he's interested in, but he needs to find something. Even if he's faking it. I don't like sitting in a cold field watching my dd horse ride, but I do and I show an interest and ive even had lessons with her because I know it's important to her.

Maybe family counselling will help?

@alladinisalive

I think my husband is probably autistic too because he has a huge need for order and extreme tidiness. Although they are very different in their interests their obsessions and rigidity is very similar!!!

That has nothing to do with the fact that he is horrible to his son

As well as your son learning that his Dad is a dick your daughter is learning how to appease men. Just toxic all round really
And black fluff from socks? Seriously?

So, dh as an adult, is not responsible for his stress triggers, and not responsible for his aggressive reaction?
We get posters after posters going in about things that make them anxious and responses are always the same,people around them should show more empathy. Yet when it's aman, he needs to get in with it.

Anxiety is anxiety. Of course we are all responsible for how we react to the triggers, but when you live day to day with people who not just ignore these anxieties but bellitles them, anxiety turns into anger.

So although he indeed needs some help to learn to deal with his anxieties, which I stated, OP needs to acknowledge these rather than just see him as being ridiculous for reacting as he does.

@dontdisturbmenow

So, dh as an adult, is not responsible for his stress triggers, and not responsible for his aggressive reaction? We get posters after posters going in about things that make them anxious and responses are always the same,people around them should show more empathy. Yet when it's aman, he needs to get in with it.

Anxiety is anxiety. Of course we are all responsible for how we react to the triggers, but when you live day to day with people who not just ignore these anxieties but bellitles them, anxiety turns into anger.

So although he indeed needs some help to learn to deal with his anxieties, which I stated, OP needs to acknowledge these rather than just see him as being ridiculous for reacting as he does.

but that is exactly the point.

He is not only not willing to get help, he doesn't think he has a problem and that his son is in the wrong.

We are talking adult and child here. No I don't think a 12 year old should have to tiptoe roudn their adult father because he won't admitt he has a problem.
And no, I don't think the rest of the family need to show more empathy to his agression.
Again, this is victim blaming.
His son is belittling him, because he is demanding attention. And for a 12 year old with ASD with an aggressive father, it is massively unrealistic to expect that 12 year old to be the one to show empthy.

anxiety may express itself as aggression. But if you are aggressive towards your children, even verbally, then you should take action yourself

@dontdisturbmenow

I have MH issues, in my case PTSD and CFS. I find physical displays of affection difficult to cope with because of the SA I went through as a child. But I haven't let that stop me giving cuddles to my DDs.

We are responsible for how we treat our DC. The OP's DH may well have anxiety but he has to find ways to manage it so it doesn't impact negatively on his DC. He isn't doing this and both his DC are being damaged.

This isn't okay.

Your husband cares more about his carpets than about his son. He sounds absolutely horrible and it isn’t fair to keep putting your son through this, even if you take his side in the arguments where your grown adult husband rages at his child for three hours for wearing black socks.

My thoughts too on reading the op

It does sound very much like your sons autism may have come from his father based on how your husband reacts and his own obsessions. Have you tried to raise this as a possibility? I don't know how you can fix the the relationship but at this age this is actually quite normal (trust me this is the type of relationship my 15 year old son and his father has) so I understand from that perspective, not that it makes it right. Regardless as to who started what and how i don't back up my son when he calls his dad a muppet (even though i secretly agree ha ha) i do pull him up and tell him he shouldn't be speaking to his dad like that. Good luck xx