AIBU husband or son???

[alladinisalive]

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

Your DH is an arsehole.
He didn’t get the son he ordered so he’s punishing him for it.

I’ve got one who is a little unconventional, I embrace it, encourage their interests and we take it in turns to do things we enjoy that others may notHave chosen too, but we all enjoy spending time together and learning about each other’s interests.

It sounds like he overreacts but you know your son is purposefully pressing your DH’s buttons to make him stressed and lash out and not only do you do nothing about it but you seem to enable and encourage it? How about you get rid of the black socks and only buy white socks? You should be addressing the bad behaviour when you see it, that is not his autism that is a child who needs boundaries. It doesn’t sound like your DH is supported and certainly doesn’t sound like you see him as your partner in raising your child.

I think your DH is in the wrong there. He needs to act as an adult. Your issue is that, if he is on the spectrum too, asking him to be as rigid or not as obsessive about his interest is a lost battle.

I also suspect your ds reaction to his dad getting upset is linked with his autism and his inability to read what’s going on. Ds2 tends to do that. It comes out as been reckless/laughing at people/uncaring. I think he just reads things in a completely different way and he had to taught how to react/read the situation.
I wouod take the time to explain to your ds how laughing at his dad is not acceptable. And why. As well as noticing/learning about how his dad is showing his anger and making people angry on purpose isn’t on.

Your DH is the adult in this situation. He is also the parent. That’s literally all there is to it. It’s his job to love his son for who his is, not resent him for who he isn’t. And it’s his job to be mature and sensible enough not to lose his temper and scream obscenities over the behaviour of a 12 year old (especially a 12 year old who isn’t neurotypical and who is usually ignored and disregarded by his dad).

Your H is so in the wrong. Stamping out your son’s interests? What is he on? Not to mention black socks on carpet?

Your son is a child. A child with autism. And that child has learnt that the only way he gets attention from his dad is negatively, so he does seemingly disrespectful things. But when you’re a child, any attention is good attention. The way it sounds that your H has switched off any relationship with his son is miserable, purely because he can’t have typical ‘lads lads lads’ interests together. The one person who needs to grow up, is him.

It’s really hard to read the OP. ‘My son’ ‘his Dad’ ‘my DH’...
... anyway yes your DH is BU. He’s the adult. He needs to start behaving like one.

Nobody gets the child they 'ordered', you get the child you get and it's your responsibility as a parent to find things in common with your child and build a common ground/shared interests

Your DS has learnt the only time he gets his dads attention is if he winds him up

I wouldn't stay married to someone who treated my child with such contempt.

As for people saying the son is being disrespectful - he's autistic ffs. He's ignored by his father and doing the only thing he knows to get his attention. He's a rejected child who just wants to be loved.

Sorry to break it to you OP but you are married to a twat.

My DS is 15 has SLD, v.low functioning autism, doubly incontinent and totally non verbal.

My DH is actually way better with him than I am and has never once done or said any of the things you mention in your post.

I wouldn't stay married to him if he did.

When he was young I think about 8 he had communication difficulties so he went to a special school for about 3 weeks and because of this he feels that he was being labelled, and was made to feel very very different from his peers. He is v very anti autism/ADHD any type of special needs as he thinks that this makes children stand out. He thinks by our son having weird interests and admiting to autism I am making him stand out from his peers!!!! He gets very defensive when you even mention autism because I think deep down he does wonder if maybe he is and for some reason is ashamed of it.

This is a hard one as whilst DH does not come across very well if your son's behaviour is deliberate I really don't think that is okay as he needs structure and boundaries the same as any other teen. My DS is 19 and autistic and I am separated from his Dad. His Dad let's him get lost in his obsessions for example he loved buying footballs when he was around 12 so his dad let him buy one every week. He now has nearly 100 and his dad will whine they take over his house. I try if I can to temper his obsessions he can have 20 really nice ones in his room and the rest go in the shed. Compromise is key and your DH need to learn to compromise and so does your son. If he knows it winds him up stop doing it and then your DH needs to meet him half way by taking an interest in his obsessions. It's really hard and a long bumpy road but you will get there work together not apart don't let it drive a wedge.

Your son isn't 'weird', OP. His interests aren't 'weird'. Please don't let your DH's view of things colour yours.

It doesn't matter whether your DH is 'anti autism' (what does that even mean?!) - it's a recognised condition, your son has it, and he is failing him enormously by refusing to treat him as a child with autism.

Your DH is likely autistic. But that doesn't excuse him being a complete and utter arsehole when it comes to his son.

Your son is the child in the relationship, and he has been let down badly by his selfish father.

I'm a bit surprised your marriage has survived this long with this kind of behaviour from your DH, frankly.

God it gets worse

Fluff on the carpet? the fluff that comes off socks is minuscule!!
Your DH is a hypocrite, doesn’t like your sons rigidity but is a control freak himself.
He’s also an arsehole and not much of a dad.

Op, you're strangely protective of your husband who is behaving appallingly. You parent the child you have, not the child you want.

Your husband is ridiculous. You can’t force your son to like football and cars so all that is left is to learn about his interests as you have. They hold equal value to your husband’s interests and if he was in any way a decent father he would know that. In your position I would have divorced already as bringing a child up in such an unhealthy and disrespectful environment is not what I would want for him. So your husband can’t have the relationship he wanted? Tough, he should make the most of the relationship he has but it’s probably way too late for that. The only thing I would change is to intervene far earlier so that there are no 3 hour screaming matches (really?!). And LTB

wow i do think kids need discpline but it sounds like he jsut wants attention from his father

he didnt get a son he wnted im not being funn not every boy likes football and cars its just bloody stupid to think that-why is enco9uraging his interests a bad thing because he say so

hes a contrlling abusive man

btw girls also dont all like pink

and if he doesnt wasnt fluff get a patterned carpet or maybe not have more children as u know theyre messy sometimes

Your DH sounds immature and nasty. It’s horrible that he can’t accept your DS for being the person that he is.

Most carpets in family houses will see a hell of a lot worse than black socks. What on earth happens if your DS brings in mud?

Your husband is a complete arsehole.

He's an arsehole to both you and your son.

His behaviour isn't normal either.

Pack his bags and sling him out the door;make sure you replace all his socks with black ones.

Op, you're strangely protective of your husband who is behaving appallingly. You parent the child you have, not the child you want.

I also thought this.

Your ds wants his dad's attention. His dad won't show interest in what your ds enjoys, so he acts out and gets attention.

Poor kid

Your husband sounds fucking horrible.