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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU husband or son???

131 replies

alladinisalive · 12/11/2020 20:45

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 13/11/2020 13:46

Since the name fuck up OP hasn’t been back.

@alladinisalive
@peppajay

alladinisalive · 13/11/2020 15:45

Wow. Loads of responses just catching up as got in from a long shift at work. We had a huge long chat late last night when kids were in bed. He thinks that we as adults we own the house and we bring our children up to respect their parents and the house (hence the fluff, the tidiness etc!!!) these he thinks are common sense to respecting your environment. He was brought up in a very strict and tidy house and I lived in a house that was rarely tidy. Since a little boy he has always loved order and his room as a child was apparently immaculate and I did explain that tidiness isn't as vital to everyone as it is to him. His relationship with ,my DD is completely different and those that say she is walking on eggshells around him I don;t think she is she just respects what he says generally and does as she is told because she has a great relationship with him. They talk they watch TV or films together they play badminton together and because he has always got on with her she doesn't need to play up to be noticed. I have told him that he needs to leave the little things (sock fluff etc) and we did have a bit of a disagreement over it because to him I think in his autistic head sock fluff is a ,massive thing to him!!!!! The things I see as trivial and unimportant to him are huge. He needs calm, order and tidiness to function and unfortunately children are not always all of the above. DS is unfortunatley all of the above whereas DD is less so hence him being able to forge a relationship with her. He did apologize to DS this morning which he rarely does as he honestly thinks that he hasn't done wrong!!! He also thinks that if an adult asks you to do something you do it. We all know he can't cope with sock fluff so out of respect when wearing black socks we wear slippers and this is respecting him but my son likes to purposely defy him for a reaction. I have often suggested family days when the children were younger but because they are normally chaotic loud and untidy they would always end in disaster. We are not compatible as a family but I do think if he would seek help we could make it work. He has agreed to take the lead from me as to what is trivial behaviour and what isn't. He still will not discuss the fact that he could be autistic though!!!!

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/11/2020 16:02

So, in conclusion, despite asking for advice on here and having 100 different people tell you your husbands behaviour is unacceptable and will ruin your son, and probably your daughter, you have decided to continue to defer to him and defend him. That was pointless wasn't it.

steppemum · 13/11/2020 16:03

I really wouldn't push him to think he is autistic. Concentrate rather on what he can do to build relationships, and which behaviours damage relationships.
Focus on behaviours, nt on whether or not he is autistic.

I was reminded recently of the old thing about saying more positive things to your kids than negative. Maybe he could think about that and observe what he is saying to ds over any 24 hours.

OptimisticSix · 13/11/2020 16:07

Slightly off topic but is that where all the black fluff comes from! I can't believe I didn't realise and we have a lot of it. That said I'm not banning socks, I might ban long hair as the hair is more of a problem in this house Grin

PS your husband is being a dick but if one of my children kept provoking me and laughing at me I'm not sure I'd cope well.

MackenCheese · 13/11/2020 16:17

OK op. I'm living this life, and my dh left yesterday. He couldn't take it any more with ds insults laughing at him, winding him up, and now physical fights. Dh was worried about hurting him, and devastated that the relationship has broken down over the 2 lockdowns. My ds is 13. Message me if you want support. I also think my dh has asd. Just saying. It has been a tough road.... I know exactly how you feel

campion · 13/11/2020 16:20

OP just because he won't entertain the idea that he may be autistic doesn't mean you have to accept that. Autism is almost defined by rigid thinking and anxiety so you'll need to find ways to get him on board a bit.
Maybe try the National Autistic Society who have a very wide ranging website and a helpline.

Sundry people on here telling you he's a dick isn't helping anything. You know he's got a problem but maybe, unwittingly, you're all stuck in a repetitive cycle of behaviour.
If you want things to improve you may need outside help with that eg family therapy. It may lift the burden off you for a start.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/11/2020 16:42

He is v very anti autism/ADHD any type of special needs as he thinks that this makes children stand out.

Your husband is a prick. What nasty opinions he holds. About his own child, too.

It's not a child's job to fulfil the rigid expectation of personality and interests their parent was hoping for.

It is a parents job to love and nurture the child for who they are. Yes, while exerting boundaries and teaching them to be respectful.

But it's hard for kids to be secure enough to work within those boundaries healthily when one of their parents so palpably doesn't like them.

GoldenOmber · 13/11/2020 16:46

OP, nobody can tell you what to do with your life and your marriage. But I would suggest you consider weighing your children’s need for parental support and the knowledge they’re loved and appreciated as individuals and that at least one of their parents has got their back on this, higher than your husband’s need for fluff-free carpets.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 13/11/2020 16:49

Could your husband also be autistic? May explain a few things you have put in your post!

steppemum · 13/11/2020 19:10

@LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus

Could your husband also be autistic? May explain a few things you have put in your post!
I am really hoping that was tongue in cheek. If is wasn't, can I gently suggest you READ THE THREAD before posting?
GabsAlot · 13/11/2020 23:23

well that didnt solve much

what about the way he treats his son because he doesnt share his interests-cant you see how its going to affect him seeing his sister get attention and he doesnt

Nanny0gg · 13/11/2020 23:55

@alladinisalive

You're really not listening are you?

We know it's scary making big changes if that's what's needed.

But doing nothing is going to cause harm and it's down to you to stop it.

WayTooSoon · 14/11/2020 00:12

Not rtft. I think there are 2 separate issues.

Your DH is BU as he should take more if an interest in your son's interests.

Your son is deliberately trying to annoy your DH in his own home. That's disrespectful (and possibly even a little spiteful) and you should support your DH in disciplining and help your DS to make kinder choices.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2020 00:17

Behaviour needs to change on both sides IMO.

I bet you find the comments that say your DH is a knob, twat or dickhead really helpful 🙄

iklboogeymum · 14/11/2020 10:42

@WayTooSoon - I suggest you read the full thread then. It's not as simple as you suggested.

Nanny0gg · 14/11/2020 12:41

@SandyY2K

Behaviour needs to change on both sides IMO.

I bet you find the comments that say your DH is a knob, twat or dickhead really helpful 🙄

But one's an adult...
LakieLady · 14/11/2020 13:03

Sorry, OP, but for your son's sake, I think your DH needs to leave the family home.

His behaviour towards a child with additional needs is borderline abusive. And I'm not convinced it's borderline, tbh.

TwoBlueFish · 14/11/2020 13:08

Your son wants attention from his dad and even bad attention is attention. Your DH needs to start engaging with his son in a meaningful and positive way.

Phineyj · 14/11/2020 13:55

I have a younger child with the PDA type of ASD and the winding people up deliberately thing is (or can be) a response to anxiety. It's a very unhelpful response before but I think if you observe your DS you might see that this is his response to knowing his dad dislikes and is irritated by him and finds his interests weird. And laughing is what you get with DC who lack empathy.

You need professional help or to separate them.

Phineyj · 14/11/2020 13:56

Random 'before' in there...

Annasgirl · 14/11/2020 14:06

@arethereanyleftatall

So, in conclusion, despite asking for advice on here and having 100 different people tell you your husbands behaviour is unacceptable and will ruin your son, and probably your daughter, you have decided to continue to defer to him and defend him. That was pointless wasn't it.
This x 100.

I get the impression from other posters that this is a consistent pattern with the OP and her DH - what does she hope to gain from posting?

Annasgirl · 14/11/2020 14:08

@SandyY2K

Other posters have highlighted that this is the tip of the iceberg when you read the long number of other posts of the OP about her DH's behaviour.

But yes, go ahead and blame the 12 year old boy with autism.

peanut2017 · 14/11/2020 14:21

Your DH sounds like a dick. Your son is only 12 years of age and clearly doesn't feel loved by her DH so misbehaves you get a reaction.

This is such a sad story. Your DH needs to get over himself and accept your son for who he is and see what interests he has.

We really shouldn't have children to try and fulfil some made up idea of what our children should be.

Scottishskifun · 14/11/2020 14:28

Your DH needs to accept that he is never going to have that kind of relationship with his son he needs to stop grieving something that doesn't exist and try to build something with his son.

Yes your son is trying to wind him up but at the same time fluff on carpet is ridiculous. I suggest your husband spends some time with him and engages in the things that he enjoys. The nature of autism means fascination with certain things (trains and Thomas being quite popular).

Your husband needs to accept some mess and accept that your son is a unique person not a clone of himself.

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