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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU husband or son???

131 replies

alladinisalive · 12/11/2020 20:45

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

OP posts:

peppajay · 12/11/2020 22:05

He has such a great relationship with our daughter that if I did leave him she would be devastated. She hates the conflict between the 2 of them but always takes her dads side. She would never do anything to dis respect him and because she respects him they get on well. She knows he doesn't like the black socks on the carpet and likes the house tidy and she is the complete opposite to our son and will make sure she has her slippers on or bare feet and that her stuff is tidied away.

campion · 12/11/2020 22:10

As some PPs have already said,your DH is most likely autistic too so,yes, they'll continue to have these confrontations and nothing will change.

Basically, you're their main hope if you want the situation to change. Get some professional help instead of asking strangers who mostly have no experience of the dynamics involved in such a situation.

You could also stop your son deliberately winding his dad up. Autism or not, it's not helpful.

Merryoldgoat · 12/11/2020 22:14

You’ve had a name change fail OP.

I searched your other threads because this felt familiar. You have been posting about your unpleasant husband for years.

Things won’t magically get better.

Your years of inaction will irreparably damage your son.

Thehop · 12/11/2020 22:14

I wouldn’t let my son wind my husband up and prey on his weaknesses then punish him for them.

I’d be even less likely to live with a husband that did it to my child and would leave.

GabsAlot · 12/11/2020 22:59

so its ok for him to shun one child and lov the other and youre ok with that

Rosebel · 12/11/2020 23:03

Your daughter being upset does not trump your son being bullied.
My first thought was that your husband is autistic and since he's obviously not going to accept that you are happy to let him to continue hurting your son.
You need to leave. You are teaching your children an awful lesson. Your daughter will grow up thinking she must tip toe round her future partner and do as he 3. Your son will grow up thinking the only way to get attention is to play up, which isn't going to bode well for relationships.
Please leave him. Your daughter can still have a relationship with her dad and your son can relax in his own home.

Lineofconcepcion · 12/11/2020 23:16

Quite a few comments on here from posters who really don't get asd. I agree with pp who said asking on here is not a good idea for so many reasons not least because there are huge misconceptions and misunderstandings re asd perpetuated on here. There are some excellent charities and groups who may be a good source of information and support to you.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/11/2020 23:28

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MattBerrysHair · 12/11/2020 23:30

My ds is autistic and if he was emotionally rejected by anyone who is supposed to love and nurture him I'd cut that person out of our lives. As pop's have said, winding his father up is the only way your ds gets any attention from him. That's so very emotionally damaging. If your 'd'h isn't going to acknowledge and step up to his responsibilities as a father and accept your ds for who he is and take an interest in him then he needs to leave. Your dd being upset about her parent's splitting up does not trump your ds's right to live in a loving and validating environment.

RUOKHon · 12/11/2020 23:32

Your husband is a bellend. He hasn’t got the son he wants, so now he doesn’t want the done he’s got.

Love for your child should be unconditional. Not contingent on shared hobbies. I honestly don’t know how you can love a man who is so dismissive and cruel to your child. It’s obvious to everyone on this thread that you DS winds your DH up deliberately because that’s the only way he can get any engagement from him.

This is all so sad.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/11/2020 23:33

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Bluetonic41 · 12/11/2020 23:38

My god this is awful. Your husband is emotionally abusing your son, no matter how much blame you lay with him. No child should have their parent screaming at them for 3 hours. For gods sake leave that arsehole of a husband and prioritise your child's mental well being!

Throckmorton · 13/11/2020 00:15

Your husband is abusive to your son. Why are you still with him and letting that happen? You must see how damaging this is?

aurynne · 13/11/2020 00:18

"My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age"

Yes, because this strategy is:
a) So easy to achieve
b) Historically, such an effective way of bringing up healthy, happy, self-confident children

[turns sarcasm off]

Winterwoollies · 13/11/2020 03:43

After the NC fail I had a look at your other posts. For years you have been posting about this pathetic man. I am absolutely gobsmacked by your posts. He’s not a good father.

tillytown · 13/11/2020 05:44

Your husband is bullying your autistic 12 year old son and instead of kicking him out you are trying to justify his abuse.
Its just sad.

TonMoulin · 13/11/2020 07:50

@alladinisalive

When he was young I think about 8 he had communication difficulties so he went to a special school for about 3 weeks and because of this he feels that he was being labelled, and was made to feel very very different from his peers. He is v very anti autism/ADHD any type of special needs as he thinks that this makes children stand out. He thinks by our son having weird interests and admiting to autism I am making him stand out from his peers!!!! He gets very defensive when you even mention autism because I think deep down he does wonder if maybe he is and for some reason is ashamed of it.

That explains a lot of your DH behaviour. But that doesn’t excuse him. He is the adult. And he is the one who should adapt.

Has he ever talked to an autism specialist about his ds? Would he consider support to get to terms with his ds diagnosis?

TonMoulin · 13/11/2020 07:55

Btw your dd never doing anything to disrespect him isn’t good news. This means she has fully internalised that you never go against daddy/a man. And thatt her role is a pacifier.

Yes I’m sure it makes things easier. It doesn’t mean it’s a good thing

MyOwnSummer · 13/11/2020 08:09

@TonMoulin is absolutely right. The daughter has learned to walk on eggshells and always appease her dad. It's sickening to think of her being trained up for the next generation of abused, bullied women. This whole thing is beyond fucked up.

thecatsthecats · 13/11/2020 08:16

@iklboogeymum

Aw poor diddums DH not getting the 'perfect dream son' who loves fubble & brum brums. And so he ignores your son - who then does anything to get his attention. And only doing 'wrong' stuff gets his attention.

And you're asking who's unreasonable?

This.

When I think of all the stupid bloody pop music my Dad joined in listening to and the crap TV he watched just to spend time with me, and how he helped me with my blackheads as a bad-skinned teen and took me fishing with him AND loved all the things we shared too, like an interest in science and robotics...

I don't think I could hold any form of respect for someone who treated their child like that for a bloody rug.

steppemum · 13/11/2020 08:21

your dh is in the wrong 100%

yes ds is winding him up, but guess what, that is part and parcel of being a parent, and he is doing it to get a response, because dh is not meeting his needs in any way.
Being the adult, you have to learn to step back, not to rise to it, and to parent.

You dh needs to

get over himself and his invisible perfect son. He doesn't exist. Even if his ds wasn't autistic, he may have had different likes and dislikes to his father, he is massively projecting his needs on to his son. This is really psychologically damaging for your ds. Your ds is reacting to this.
get over himself over the overly tidy house. Houses have to be lived in, that is the way it is, if he is over tidy etc at the cost of the relationship wiht his son that is a cost too high to bear.
get over himself with the arguing. I have 3 teens, believe me I have done my share of shouting, but it never works. If you have an issue, the only way to deal with it is as an adult, once you start shouting, you are out of order. Of course he shouts back, he is following his father's lead. Decide which battles are worth fighting, and have a firm line with those, dealt with in an non shouty way. Let the rest go.
He needs to actually try and get to know the son he has, and engage with him and what he likes. We have all as parents spent hours doing things we are not interested in. Standing by cold football fields, or sitting on the floor playing with sylvanians again and again. That is what you do, you engage with what your child is interested in. I can tell you far more than I ever wanted to know about minecraft.....

He needs to man up, act like an adult or get lost.

LuaDipa · 13/11/2020 08:24

This situation seems very toxic for your ds. He is deliberately provoking his df to cause a reaction as that is the only way he can get his attention.

Please explain to your dh that children are not carbon copies of their parents, they are human beings in their own right. Parents are supposed to embrace and encourage their dc’s interests, even if they aren’t that into them themselves. He sounds self centred and nasty.

Boom45 · 13/11/2020 08:30

Those poor kids. Your husband is a bully and clearly needs to sort out his own issues with his childhood/feelings about autism. If he is not willing to get some proper help then it will damage both your children. Not liking black socks on carpets is NOT REASONABLE, not being able to like his son because he has different interests is NOT REASONABLE.
Please don't pander to him, it won't make your husband any happier (which, after 12 years I'm sure you've worked out) but will make your son a lot more miserable.

steppemum · 13/11/2020 08:32

@peppajay

Can you not see that your dd alos has a damaging relationship with her father?

Never disrespect = scared to contradict him?
He only gets on well with her because she does as she is told?
before daddy comes home, quick lets change socks/put slippers on and tidy stuff away?

She is being taught to bend herself to his (unreasonable) demands to get a quiet life.
She is being taught that to earn someone's love you must conform to their own set of rules.

I am as concerned about her as about your ds.

Boom45 · 13/11/2020 08:32

Also, if your son was nuro-typical and into cars and football or whatever you would probably still be having the same problems. Your husband is a man who gets angry about what colour socks his son is wearing - that's not about your son, that's about your husband

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