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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU husband or son???

131 replies

alladinisalive · 12/11/2020 20:45

My son is 12 and he is autistic. He doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad. They just wind each other up. My son has absolutely nothing in common with his dad - DH finds this really hard he was desperate for a football loving car fanatic son who he could spend time with. My sons interests are very very different from my DH's and also very obsessive due to his autism. My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age. My DH is also extremely house proud and he gets very high stress levels if the house is untidy. So my son plays on these stresses and pisses him off purposely. Because they have nothing in common my husband rarely gives him the time of day so my son will do things to get a reaction. However my husband over reacts at such little tiny things nothing my son does to get a reaction is worth reacting too but my husband literally goes from 0-60 in 2 minutes. He hates anyone wearing black socks in the house without slippers as it leaves black fluff on his beautiful carpets so my son knows if he puts black socks on before his dad gets home his dad will shout at him. My son finds it hilairious when he gets a reaction from him and these arguments can sometimes go on for 3 or 4 hours they both shout and scream at each other and my son laughs and laughs the crosser my DH gets. This usually results in my DH then shouting obscenities and storming off and not speaking to anyone else in the house for days on end. Who is in the wrong here? I always take my sons side because I think DH over reacts but he always turns it round on me and says I am letting my son dis respect him!!!

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 14/11/2020 14:32

Choose your poor son over the twat you married. Ffs.

Squiffany · 14/11/2020 14:45

@Spied

It sounds like your DS and your DH have more in common than they may realise. Just different obsessions. Could DH be autistic to a degree? Just a thought.
I was going to suggest the same.
iklboogeymum · 14/11/2020 15:04

@Squiffany - so did other people way way down the thread.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2020 16:08

@Annasgirl

But yes, go ahead and blame the 12 year old boy with autism.

Below is what I said.

Behaviour needs to change on both sides IMO.

I bet you find the comments that say your DH is a knob, twat or dickhead really helpful 🙄

I do question the ability of some posters to comprehend straight forward plain English.

Where did you read that I was blaming the 12 year old?

Comments that her H is a prick, knob and all other such words are really not helpful.

Of course adults need to be patient and where a child has SEN they need additions patience and a better understanding of the condition...constructive support/advice/guidance is more helpful than throwing out such words about her H.

Having said that, I understand it's not within everyone's gift to articulate themselves in such a way.

Brefugee · 14/11/2020 16:38

My DH thinks I should have stopped or stamped these interests out from an early age.

so your 'D'H left the upbringing to you? He's BU

Trickyboy · 14/11/2020 16:57

In the main OP your DH has to learn how to parent an autistic child. HOWEVER.. my Dss is autistic (specialist school and diagnosis was moderate/severe) this doesn't however also stop him from being a dick at times. Being autistic is not a free pass to deliberate rudeness and disrespect.

You and most importantly DH need to pick your battles. The first one being something like the 'socks' incidents. You KNOW your DS is doing it . He knows he's doing it and he also knows what will happen when he does it. ... stop it. Tell DS to change his socks.. or better still , throw out the black ones. There is no excuse to let someone autistic or not do something that deliberately upsets another. There will always be other stuff.. the things to deal with with DS are the ones where he is being purposefully annoying. It's not that 'he can't help it' he can.. he chooses not to and you seem to support him in this and your DH feels like you are unfairly taking sides for bad behaviour (which it is)... it doesn't really matter what that I behaviour is - if it's done with the sole purpose of annoying another then it's wrong.

Meanwhile- DH needs parenting classes . Genuinely. We went on parenting autistic children course when DSS was 7. .. best thing we ever did. We learned what to expect, what to let go, what to reinforce. My DH is also autistic although never diagnosed (but you only have to meet him for 5 minutes and you would know) and also has bipolar.. it was my red line. Parenting courses or divorce.

Life improved immeasurably.

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