To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

For example. If he's playing on a game and asks me or DH to watch but we're busy cooking/cleaning/working on the laptop etc and say to him "Sorry DSS can't watch you right now busy cooking/whatever"

He will say ok but then a minute or two later come back and say the same again.

Cue repeating "can't right now mate, bit busy"

Ok he says.

5 minutes later "come and look at this"

That can go on for the duration of him being on the game.

Eventually whoever he's asking will say to him "DSS, look. I can't come and watch you as I told you 5 times I have to do this. Please stop asking. I will play as soon as I'm finished"

Rinse and repeat.

* *
Awh it seems like the DC is looking for some one to one attention. Does his Dad do anything one to one when he's over.

Regarding DSS' home life.

DH split with his ex when DSS was two but has been a consistent presence ever since.

DSS has another sibling at his mum's house, also toddler age.

There was no domestic abuse of any sort, no neglect, he comes from a happy home in spite of that being broken. DH and his ex co parent well.

DSS does get alot of attention at both homes and appears to be totally comfortable here esp around me.

It makes me sad that people think I don't like him. I love the boy. Yes he can get on my wick sometimes but no more than my own.

Have a google of ADHD inattentive type. Its ringing a few bells with me and my DS who has that diagnosis. My DS is wicked smart so manages very well in school but is always getting tripped up with his impulsivity, BUT is hugely empathetic so is horrified when it all goes wrong. You still have to discipline, in fact its even more important as they have to learn self control at a higher level than a regular child. But it helps if you know what you are doing and why, it means you adjust a little to the child rather than just using normal techniques. You also know that you have to step in as things are evolving to provide the learning moment before impulsivity takes control.

Eventually whoever he's asking will say to him "DSS, look. I can't come and watch you as I told you 5 times I have to do this. Please stop asking. I will play as soon as I'm finished Do you remember to play or move on to another busy task with the little ones.

@SeaToSki I thought similar

He does get plenty of 1:1 time with his dad, DH takes him out places just the two of them so he doesn't feel as though he needs to share him with siblings all of the time.

They went to the park together today and I stayed at hope with the others.

I will say he does seek alot of attention, not in a bad way and not through being naughty, but he does want all eyes on him and alot of affirmation (which he gets by the bucket load)

I personally spend a fair amount of time sitting with him on his games and he loves that, he likes that I take an interest and it makes him happy. I'm not remotely interested in gaming but pretend that I am because I know it means something to him.

He gets alot of praise from both DH and me. I'm always telling him he's brilliant, smart, is fantastic at whatever he sets his mind to. He likes doing little breakdances and I hype him up and tell him he's wicked etc.

He's always coming to me with his drawings or his work book to show me what he's done because he cares about my opinion and wants to impress me. I dare say he likes my company more than DH's

I really do love him. I feel pretty shit now that I've come across as though I don't.

Your stepson's dangerous impulsive behaviour does need to be addressed, but I'm not convinced it is a disciplinary matter. You say you are quite sure there is no malice in what he does. Perhaps he genuinely lacks the self-control to stop and think things through, and cried not to get out of being told off but because he was genuinely distressed at having hurt his sister? If so, punishment won't help.

If this is the case, it would be helpful to have him assessed. This sort of behaviour might mean he has special needs of some sort - it's very similar to what I've seen in some kids with ADHD. It would also be good to talk gently to him about what happened and work with him to come up with a solution. For example, if he says he didn't mean to hurt his sister and just didn't think, how can that be prevented from happening again? Perhaps he can come up with some good ideas, such as a rule that he won't pick her up.

It's a tough situation and I don't think there is a simple solution of being harder on him.

You have far more self control than me I'd have broken down the bathroom door and turned the cold water on the shower head and given your husband the literal shock of his life! What a fucking pathetic excuse for a parent

He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor

And I don't believe he was trying to hurt her on purpose

Really?

He may be much loved, but he's bloody dangerous and I would not trust him to be alone with my younger children. He needs help before someone gets reallu hurt.

I've spent some time reading up about rejection sensitive dysphoria and it definitely sounds as though that could be a possibility.

Maybe your stepson, wrongly thinks in his own mind, that your other children get more attention, so he goes overboard to get attention on himself, and this silly crying is all part of the attention seeking. So it's now become a habit with him,and sadly your Husband foolishly goes along with it. Also. the boys Mother may have told your Husband that their Sensitive son has to be pampered somewhat !

Oh I know it's dangerous, I've been upset all afternoon and evening.

I have never (and wouldn't) leave him alone with DD as I'm all too aware that he lacks to grasp that you can't be that rough with toddlers.

This today happened in front of both me and DH, but even before today I've never left them unsupervised.

I’m not a parent but last time I was at my friends house the three year old pulled the one year olds hair.

Immediately on the naughty step, crying or no, and remained there until he had calmed down enough to have an age appropriate chat and him say sorry for hurting his sister. Followed by hugs and an agreement that his next activity be playing a allocated game quietly with one loving adult.

Your 9 year old will be an absolute terror if you don’t do this soon. Back to basics, ‘time out’. He is actually endangering your other children.

I'm also wondering whether DSS has a form of autism or something.. doesn't seem right that a 9 year old gets so anxious and scared at a game of peekaboo that you're playing with a 3 year old and a toddler...

I am going to get slammed for this, but I suspect all of this behaviour is toddler-style attention-seeking.

1. Hurt the competition... 2) Turn on the waterworks...3) Get the affection/attention turned back to you. I bet his mum is feeling guilty because she isn’t giving him her undivided attention anymore and there are a lot of little “accidents” happening disguised as “rough play” with this kid. Your DH feels guilty because he left when DSS was two, and the waterworks have always had the effect of guilting him into softening his reaction. This child is not a bad kid, but like all children, is acting out his fears of being “replaced” in a destructive way. Your DH and his mum really need to talk about this and learn a better/stronger way of communicating with this boy or he will become sneaky and really hurt the other children involved.

That's more or less what I wanted from DH, TheNanny.

Solid parenting with boundaries.

DueMarch I agree DSS' response to a peekaboo game with the youngest DC was unusual and out of proportion. My 11 year old (diagnosed autism) really struggles with loud noises and even be remained unbothered.

DSS reacted in sheer terror.

I see no reason for you to be slammed, justilou, as your take on things is not beyond the realms of possibility.

It's hard to say exactly what's going on with him at the minute as I haven't spoken in depth with DH but I will be having a sit down talk tomorrow and will be referencing the POV's here.

Several times you mention the lack of parenting or reprimand. It shows that in your limited view, a reprimand needs to have a specific tone (possibly shouting?) or other aggressive approach. A reprimand can be done with a soothing tone or even a normal voice.

You also seem extremely irritated by his sensitivity. The title of your discussion is "To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded " yet what you describe is a boy being overwhelmed by the events, so a boy faking it. So which is it?

I believe you have a responsibility here as well. You say you constantly praise him, fake an interest in what he is doing, so maybe start praising when a praise is deserved and not as an habit.

A sensitive child doesn't "man up" as you would like him to because of harsh words . Security and self esteem is fat more complicated than that. Constant praise might actually backfire because when the praise isn't coming at once, the world crumbles.

Maybe be more honest.

Op I can only speak of being a child who had a step dad who treated us and his DD with my Mum with discipline and strictness and his own DD my stepsister- who didn’t live with us, like a princess who walked on water. She wasn’t, she constantly picked on us and broke our things. She was aware that she wouldn’t be punished and used it. But she was his angel who he felt guilty for not being a full time parent to and he treated her differently. It’s bred resentment between us all and we hated her growing up. It’s ruined any relationship we may have with her as adults and it’s his fault as he treated us so differently. I do wish my Mum had put a stop to it also though and do know it’s her fault too!

I don’t know if this perspective is helpful, it’s just what I can share. Having experienced it it’s not something I’d ever allow. Sadly you definitely have a DH problem

@ClaireP20 hope I've tagged correctly.

We do watch him! I spend at least 45 mins to an hour every day he is here, watching him game. To make him happy.

When I can't, DH will.

What we can't do however is leave the hob unattended / stop changing the toddlers arse mid way through / disconnect from a work call / etc.

Did he apologise? I've looked after at least 3 kids I can think of who would have behaved in exactly the same way at that age (and older and younger) and I've had to clearly explain that while I know they didn't mean to or it was an accident I don't need excuses and it doesn't mean they won't still get told off and it is exactly when an apology is expected. They tended to be high achievers who struggled with getting things going wrong, being out of control and being anxious.

No one likes being told off, its just part of life.

I don't think you come across as uncaring at all OP, quite the opposite.

I also think @justilou1 take on things could be a possibility... Probably the most likely scenario tbh.

I did mention the ADHD / rsd however as that could be another possibility.

Our a combination of more than one factor of course, eg poor impulse control AND a need to get attention in the way described

OP just want to say you sound nice and like you have a generally lovely relationship with your DSS that you should be proud of.

There has been so many occasions where I've been in the middle of changing DD's nappy or bathing her and DS3 and he has chosen those moments to tell me to look at him on the games.

It's not always convenient and I don't want to be held hostage to gaming, but I always make an effort to have that time with him where i/DH do watch him or plug in the spare controller and play along.

DSS is definitely not starved of attention, quite the opposite.

4Minions that's awful, I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Your experience is what I'm scared of actually. I know the children will be able to see how they're treat differently and I'm worried it'll cause a divide.

Sorry if I'm cross posting.

Again to reiterate, all I want from DH is to be firm and consistent with all of the children. If they are doing something dangerous he needs to address it, particularly with DSS as I'm happy to take the reigns with ours. I don't want him to shout or scream at him, just to do some actual parenting and not acting like a friend above a father.