To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

I'm in full agreement DH is to blame for the way he is. I'm not saying his DM isn't, but I only see DH Disney dadding (I have very limited contact with his ex, polite hello at the door but not much else)

You should have heard the disgust in DH's voice when I pointed out that he hadn't dealt with the situation well. He wouldn't hear of it.

I reminded him of a conversation we had a couple of weeks ago when I told him I'm getting pissed off with him treating the kids differently, repremanding and punishing ours (and my eldest) but never DSS.

He won't hear of the fact he treats them differently even though I cannot think of one occasion he has been strict with DSS, but I have endless examples of him being strict with the others.

He insinuated that I want him to scream and shout at DSS which is bullshit. He and I both know he's capable of addressing behaviours without 'screaming and shouting'

He wouldn't even need to scream at DSS to make him cry, he cries before anybody says a word because he knows he has done something wrong.

I'm also in agreement with those of you saying DSS is being set up to have the piss ripped out of him at school. DH sees his overt sensitivity as a trait to be protected, not worked with to adapt.

DH was bullied in school when he was a child so you'd think he would pre empt that and try to work with DS to build up some resilience.

If I were to say this to DH (which I do intend to) he's probably going to accuse me of picking on DSS myself, by merely suggesting he will become a target.

I would definitely suggest you talk with your husband about having him assessed. There are so many variations of Sen that your stepson sounds like he could possibly fit. Reading through all this again it's raised so many red flags and if he does end up with a diagnosis you can all work out a plan with the necessary professionals.

and as for saying he’s too sensitive? Bugger off with that crap. We live in a society filled with toxic masculinity because boys aren’t allowed to be sensitive and cry and this kind of statement just perpetuates the belief boys and men are not allowed to be sensitive.

He isn't just sensitive, it is OTT and to his detriment.

I know it. DH knows it (and has said himself he's worried about secondary school) and his DM knows it.

@Anordinarymum

It's so simple. He does something silly which has repercussions and instantly cries. It works. He not only gets away with it, but it has a greater impact since it makes you fall out with his father which is even more disturbing. Such power ! It's learned behaviour rewarded by your husband.

Over to him to put an end to it.

Spot on.

I think keeping a diary of how your DH responds to the different children might be useful. Show him in black and white that he does react to them differently.

What he did was wrong but a stern telling off isn’t always the best way to resolve the problem

But OP is in a situation where this child doesn't even get a mild telling off - he knows he can avert any sort of censure at all by threatening to cry. How will he learn to be more careful if this carries on?

You're angry, that's allowed but wanting to punish a child because you're angry is not the right reason for doing so.

What have I just read?

She wants to punish him because he has done something massively wrong and dangerous. Him struggling with his feelings within the family do not justify risking a 1 year old's life. Will people seriously go to such lengths to be apologetic about a child's behaviour that they will say he hasn't done anything to deserve punishment here?

Throwing a toddler to the ground is extreme to the point of psychopathy. Does this child have anger or behavioral issues in general? I could never trust younger children around him alone again. Chilling.

I suspect this isnt the whole story. When he 'dropped' your toddler, were they playing? Was it an accident? You actually come across like you really don't like the poor sod and are giving us an edited version. Ever cuddled him and told him he is great before? Or that he is a lovely big brother? Or that you love having him there? Thought not.

Oh for fucks sake, a nine year old doing stupid shit does not make him a psychopath and is not chilling. What it is, is a nine year old doing stupid shit. It happens and he needs support for his behaviour but perhaps the dramatics are unnecessary?

@MillyA

and as for saying he’s too sensitive? Bugger off with that crap. We live in a society filled with toxic masculinity because boys aren’t allowed to be sensitive and cry and this kind of statement just perpetuates the belief boys and men are not allowed to be sensitive.

He isn't just sensitive, it is OTT and to his detriment.

I know it. DH knows it (and has said himself he's worried about secondary school) and his DM knows it.

I don't think it's a problem that your DSS's instant reaction is tears. I've seen a lot of primary-age boys do it, and my DB used to do this when we were kids (used to drive me nuts! It seemed like cheating to me - I used to shout back, which got me nowhere...)

But the point of my story is that I don't think it's uncommon in 'quiet' boys to react with tears at the first sign of trouble. It's a normal kid thing, and they grow out of it. He's no more OTT than a fair number of boys his age.

What is wrong and reinforcing is that your DH reacts. Your DSS shouldn't be taught to be ashamed of crying, but he shouldn't be being taught that crying is a get out of jail free card either. He should be being told off in a sensible non-shouty manner, and then helped to move on.

Are you one hundred percent sure there's no chance of SEN, though? Crying at a toddler game jumped out at me - is he usually hypersensitive to loud noises?

Has he ever actually been for a Sen assessment because if I witnessed those symptoms I would be putting in for a referral.

I agree.

Saying he's not SEN when he behaves as he does, just because he has no diagnosis doesn’t mean he doesn't have SEN.

Children younger than him know what he did is dangerous. Writing it off as overdoing it or getting too excited is not going to help.

If my 9 year old behaved like that I couldn't just sit back and call it sensitive.

Both you and your DH have a poor approach to this. Although I understand shouting in shock occasionally

You can’t create resilience through toughening him up harshly. That’s not how it works. It will backfire.

Your DH passive non discipline is also rubbish

Do you shout a lot? Is this your usual discipline technique? Do you think shouting helps him reflect and choose to make better moral decisions? Shouting doesn’t help him think things through, instead shouting relys on fear to make children behave.

The problem with shouting is that it’s likely catching and eventually he will likely shout louder then you and use shouting to resolve issues he encounters instead of talking problems through

He is only 9. So what if he is sensitive. Stop expecting your OP to have a go at him. Isn't it enough he's ferried around and probably never gets 5 minutes on his.own with his dad? You might see him as older than he is, but he's only bloody 9. Show the boy some love.

I'm not giving an edited version I have been totally transparent. I did say on a previous page that it was done in the midst of playing and that I don't believe DSS was actually trying to hurt her, moreso not engaging his brain and thinking.

DD was sat on the rug, DSS bent down and tickled her, she laughed, he picked her up - said "weee" and threw her back down, from standing height.

I'm 5"3 and he's not a huge amount shorter than I am. He's tall for his age. He's more or less the same height as my 11 year old.

I didn't want DH to rant and rave at him, but to firmly address the issue and tell him in no uncertain terms he's not to ever do that again.

I have never disputed the fact he was playing with her, my upset is because what he did was incredibly dangerous.

Today is just another example of similar behaviours from DSS where he means no harm but actually causes it.

I don't know how anybody can get the impression I don't like him, I'm sad if that's the case. Fortunately DSS knows that I do love him and that shines through in how I treat him when he's here with us.

Just to clarify..crying when you think you'll get told off isn't unusual...it's him throwing your 18 month old DD on the floor and his failure to recognise that's extremely dangerous.

Just like a 9 year old free from learning difficulties would know not to throw or kick a small pet like a cat....they would have the understanding that it would cause harm.

He's 1 year away from the age of criminal responsibility, so it's worrying if he doesn't get the consequences of his actions now.

He is only 9. So what if he is sensitive. Stop expecting your OP to have a go at him. Isn't it enough he's ferried around and probably never gets 5 minutes on his.own with his dad? You might see him as older than he is, but he's only bloody 9. Show the boy some love.

My word. I find this post crazy.

He did something very dangerous and you're talking about him being ferried back and forth.

He absolutely should have been told off.

So he trips your son up and hit him on head, got your DH in the balls, dropped / threw the toddler... Getting overwhelmed and scared by toddler games and noises, HATING being told off... Not concentrating at school...

I do wonder what's going on here.

Could be ADHD - look up rejection sensitive dysphoria. Could explain the crying.

Or, if he's very clever, it could be hurting on purpose disguised as clumsiness or thoughtlessness.

RE SEN, i can't rule it out. I've never felt that he has, nor have his parents, but I admit I haven't considered it fully.

If I really think about it then I can't see any other major red flags. The only thing that might indicate something is how he sometimes doesn't take things in. In one ear and out the other so to speak.

For example. If he's playing on a game and asks me or DH to watch but we're busy cooking/cleaning/working on the laptop etc and say to him "Sorry DSS can't watch you right now busy cooking/whatever"

He will say ok but then a minute or two later come back and say the same again.

Cue repeating "can't right now mate, bit busy"

Ok he says.

5 minutes later "come and look at this"

That can go on for the duration of him being on the game.

Eventually whoever he's asking will say to him "DSS, look. I can't come and watch you as I told you 5 times I have to do this. Please stop asking. I will play as soon as I'm finished"

Rinse and repeat.

Surely that's within the realm of normal for a 9 year old though?

Also, I'm not a shouty parent no.

I don't shout at my children regularly but both me and DH will raise our voices (not together obv) if the DC are doing something dangerous.

NRTFT

But your DSS sounds like my DD (also 9 and I mean in terms of crying).

And I'll be honest, sometimes her tendency to cry does annoy me too.
However....

How and why did his parent split up? Did he see or hear horrible rows/physical abuse or simply feel fear from either of his parents behaviour?

Thats why DD is the way she is. She saw her father try to strangle me and then, when the police arrived, him refusing to let her go (held hostage? Thats what I call it, but the CPS didnt....)

She is terrified of raised voices, being thought of doing something wrong, of being punished in the way she saw me punished.

His behaviour isnt ok. Not at all, but I cant help wondering if there is more to this than simply a manipulative child. Assuming that he is your DH's only child with his ex and his siblings are yours and your DH's maybe its just "I am a baby too, love me Daddy".

I think you need family therapy to work this out as it seems from your OP that neither you or your DH are getting it right for the boy.

Your h is unreasonable to only discipline the younger kids. He needs to work out why he can't tell his oldest off. I'm not suggesting yelling and scaring him but this could have had catastrophic consequences so gently coaxing his son out of crying wasn't the answer. It's ok to cry and feel sad. Children need to learn how to deal with their emotions and it sounds like your h needs to deal with his. If he feels guilt at having children with you then he should have worked on this years ago. The current situation isn't fair and I'm surprised that your oldest hasn't mentioned this. It's not nice seeing your child cry but as parents we have a responsibility to make sure they end up decent people. Your h cant remove everything in dss' life that might upset him.

I think that you're being a little unfair too. My kids would have cried with embarrassment at making such a massive mistake at 9. They are resilient and well behaved normally but they'd be mortified and cry if they did something like dss did today.

Good kids sometimes do impulsive dumb things. When my dd was around that age she trapped her younger brother's fingers when they were playing tug of war with the door (she was trying to keep him out the room) He ended up having taped fingers for a while.

Is your dss an only at his mum's house? If so I suspect that the sibling situation has been a massive learning curve for him. He needs it explained how to bond with an 11yo if he thinks pranks and physical behaviour is the way forward.

Whatever the reasons your DSS definitely has issues regulating his emotions. I don't think DC use crocodile tears at 9 or chooses to face the wall sobbing he needs help for resilience and regulation.
What happened to your DD was awful but DSS isn't comfortable around you he probably is aware you are walking on eggshells.

I'll read up on rejection sensitive dysphoria now.

I'm taking on board the suggestions here and not ruling out SN (I'm in no way qualified to)

I admit it's a bit eye opening for me that posters have noticed so many red flags and I missed them all myself.

I think I'm guilty of having tunnel vision when it comes to things like this. I'm so used to how SN manifests in my 11 year old, I have been unable to look outside the box - to my shame.

@Standrewsschool

Your need to explain to dh what is going on. Possibly he doesn’t even realise that he’s given in to ds’s tears - it’s become a habit. Explain how the baby incident could have been a lot more serious and if DS isn’t reprimanded, he won’t realise it’s wrong.

DS has learnt that if he cries, his dad will go soft on him, so he can escape being punished. He’s not sensitive, but manipulative.

Absolutely this.

Op you are doing great. This little boy needs some help, and at least you are willing to step up.

Nine is still so young, but these years are crucial. He is crying out for help and boundaries.

I think professional help will do wonders, and make your husband realise this can’t go on.

It might welL, be that this is just a phase and there is no diagnosis, but focusing On this behaviour and how to manage it will help everyone.

Good luck