To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

Yes, that is a brilliant point. Children need boundaries and feel very insecure if they dont know where they are.

He is as good as gold in school, he's never rude to his parents (or me) or intently spiteful to his younger siblings. He has never so much as swore when he has been here. He doesn't lash out or answer back. He doesn't refuse to follow instructions and will do as he is told. He's a very well behaved child that does stupid (and dangerous) things sometimes because he doesn't think through the consequences or realise (at least I don't think he realises) that he's doing anything wrong.

You do realise that this in itself is unnatural for a 9 year old, don't you?

Reading this, I am even more convinced that Twins is right.

He's frightened of provoking the anger of his parents, but at the same time he has to get rid if his rage somewhere, and so he has "accidents" and "thoughtlessness" and "clumsiness" that he then manipulates his way out of by being "sensitive".

For whatever reason, he is a troubled child.

In response to another PP who suggested I may praise him too much, I think that's correct yes. I do.

I have gone above and beyond to make him happy when he's here so I could have been unwittingly complicit in creating the dynamic myself.

I'm conscious that I use alot of positive affirmation with all my DC, that is my parenting style, but DSS especially as I've always been conscious that he may feel less at home here than the others because he's only here %40 of the time.

@ClaireP20

I suspect this isnt the whole story. When he 'dropped' your toddler, were they playing? Was it an accident? You actually come across like you really don't like the poor sod and are giving us an edited version. Ever cuddled him and told him he is great before? Or that he is a lovely big brother? Or that you love having him there? Thought not.

So you have t read anything the OP has written then..... so glad you can give her your opinion then on how she is in the wrong.

Some of the replies are honestly ridiculous. People falling over themselves to paint DSS as the victim when the reality is he is treated well, he is not hard done by and ignored because of things like you not dropping everything every five minutes to watch him game (incidentally my SS does this, and I actually remind him each time that when I am cooking for the whole family including him, he needs to respect that and not be so demanding of my attention unless it's important, which I think is fair enough given I am already doing one thing for him, it's just basic consideration). His behaviour is regularly dangerous and he has just done something VERY dangerous to a child more vulnerable than him.

Yes by all means discipline in a way that works on him, but this IS a situation that calls for discipline and he is not the victim of it. The younger children need protecting regardless of how he feels about being ferried around or playing his game by himself for 20 minutes.

Very little mention from these posters about OPs older son who is actually diagnosed with SN and also a step child, being disciplined by his step dad while his own son is treated like royalty no matter how dangerous his behaviour gets.

If you believe that he wasn't being malicious and that it was an impulse control issue and not an attempt to hurt his sister then what would your chosen punishment/consequences be?

Sorry crossed posts, yes Schaden I completely see where you are coming from.

The more I speak to you lot on here the more I think we need to have family therapy. I just need to get DH on board.

He's blind to any issues as all he sees is DSS being such a well behaved and quiet little boy.

@ZoeTurtle

I really do love him. I feel pretty shit now that I've come across as though I don't.

You haven't come across like that at all. It's very clear you love him and are frustrated with his father for letting the boy down.

Totally agree! I think you sound lovely OP

The problem is he is too sensitive and it is going to cause him problems as he gets older unless he is taught to develop some resilience. It's not the norm for a boy his age to burst into tears when his parents (me step, obviously) are playing a kiddy game with toddlers. I'm genuinely concerned that he'll become a target for bullies.

No - it isn't the norm. Either something has happened which you are all unaware of which causes him to be frightened or (much more likely) this is attention-seeking manipulative behaviour. Either way, it has to stop, for his sake as well as for everyone else's.

Just read the whole thread OP. If your DH will listen when he gets home from work you need to try and peak to him about why he thinks it's okay to not tell a child off for hurting your DD to the extent that she could have ended up in hospital.

I agree that therapy to make your DH see how differently he treat the DC is important.

@BoyTree

If you believe that he wasn't being malicious and that it was an impulse control issue and not an attempt to hurt his sister then what would your chosen punishment/consequences be?

For DH to firmly tell him that it's not acceptable to play that way and he's not to do it again. For DH to explain how dangerous it was and what the consequences could have been for DD.

I do think children need to be held accountable, accident or not.

My three year old accidentally smashed a ceramic fruit bowl last week by throwing a ball indoors. He was told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable, he's not to throw balls inside because it's naughty and dangerous, the broken ceramic could have seriously injured him or his siblings and he needs to be more careful.

Nothing extreme.

Just basic parenting.

And you do NOT come across as a bad mother/step-mother.

You have coped with this with a lot more patience than most of us would have done - because I can tell you now, that despite their "ever tried telling him how wonderful he is" stuff, many of the posters on here would have gone apesh*t with DSS and DH over constant crying like this - it's absolutely wearing and exhausting when a child does nothing but whinge.

What he needs is to calmly explained that careless actions have consequences. Why do you believe that more will be achieved with a big telling off?

I find these kind of comments really strange. I'm curious to know what kind of consequences are being reinforced if he is spoken to totally calmly, told not to worry about it AND there is no form of punishment afterwards. There are no consequences in that scenario.

My SS (who does actually have ADHD if it is relevant to the SEN debate) would absolutely repeat behaviour if he was just "calmly told" once not to do something. He is always very rough with 2 yo DD, which came to a head when his rough and reckless behaviour caused him to do something that has left a scar on her forehead. I had asked him calmly to be more careful several times, he did not listen or retain that message, probably in large part BECAUSE of his ADHD. He got in trouble. He remembers that incident now and he remembers the consequences, which would not be the case if he had not got a telling off. When he is being reckless and rough now he is much more likely to check himself and be careful. Whether that is because he is worried about getting into trouble frankly doesn't bother me all that much, he should be worried about getting in trouble for badly hurting other children. My priority is stopping the behaviour from happening again even if it does upset him, as it absolutely should be if the kind of behaviour we are talking about is throwing a toddler onto their head from a standing position 🙄

@MillyA Personally I think people are so quick to label absolutely everything as SN or some sort of psychological issue these days. The fact of it is, everyone has some sort of "psychological" issue depending on your baseline for normality.

Your DSS sounds incredibly similar to my DS who is also a generally very happy, well adjusted child who likes to be the star of the show and usually behaves very well - if anything always tries to do and be the best. But absolutely cannot stand any sort of reprimand or criticism. And my DH deals with it in much the same way as yours.

I do think a fair part of it is learnt manipulation although it initially arises from an inbuilt need to please and affirm themselves as 'good'. But once they learn there's a way to get out of trouble, of course any child will use it!

Some things I've tried are really talking to DH about how this approach actually isn't protecting DS, it's harming him for the future because it is making him less prepared and resilient for a world where he WILL inevitably get told off and criticised sometimes. I tried to help DH see that if he loves DS, it is his responsibility as a parent to give him the skills to deal with this. Fortunately our school were very onboard with this approach. Sometimes filming interactions can help. Another angle is to try asking DH how he would feel if your other children begin harbouring resentment to him and DSS for how he is treating them differently.

For DS, I find getting down to his level and really explaining to him that I tell him off because I love him and I want him to be the best person he possibly can be. I've tried to help him learn that a telling off will always be followed by an opportunity to say sorry and hugs after. But obviously to get to that stage, you and DH need an absolute agreement that no matter what histrionics DSS throws at you, you keep going. Maybe if you assure DH that there will be 'reflection/ apology time' and cuddles after, he will be more willing to allow this?

I can completely understand where you are coming from, my OH is the same with his daughter, I love her so very much and she is on the whole a wonderful kid to be around, but he is absolutely soft with her, any firm tone from him and the water works start... she is an entirely different child when he is around but he is very very firm with our two boys. For example DSD Aged 6 once decided to push our at the time two year old into the door and split his head open ... didn’t need stitches but I made her go to her room to think about her behaviour... OH went upstairs and cuddled her to sleep telling her it’s okay...no apology nothing...
He has before now said he doesn’t like to upset her because she is only here on a weekend... I went mental with that and told him he can’t treat our kids different because things didn’t work out with her mum?! I treat them all the same, if they need reprimanding they get it firmly and it is explained why that behaviour is not okay. It does drive me mad but I think the key is consistency from you! The way I see it I don’t want my boys ever thinking they are treat any different and they won’t be from me, my OH does try but I do need to remind him of it sometimes. I hope you’re okay, it’s a rubbish feeling because then you’re made to be the bad guy in it all 🙄 xx

Thank you so much for all of the advice and anecdotal personal experiences, it has been very cathartic to be able to discuss this here.

As you can tell, there is very little by the way of transparent communication with DH where DSS is concerned. No sooner has DH heard from me a perceived criticism of DSS the shutters go down and he's on the defensive.

I'm definitely going to sit down with DH this evening and tell him we need to have a serious talk.

Also thank you to the PPs who have acknowledged my DS(11) in all of this and his additional needs. I have no doubt that he will have already long since realised that DH treats DSS differently when compared to our two and my older DS. It's just not fair.

What does your ds do when dss hits him over the head or trips him up. He's an 11 year old boy, surely he shouts at him on the spur of the moment or says something crossly. So how does dss react to that ?

I used to cry a lot as a child, and yes, I would have cried in the situation described by the OP. That wasn’t manipulative, I was genuinely horrified at having potentially really hurt someone. I accidentally poked my DSis in the eye in a swimming lesson at about that age and I was really distressed that I might have really hurt her. (Thankfully she was ok.)

My DD1 (11) has always burst into tears when she knows she’s done something wrong. In the past she used to be violent to me (she’s adopted and has SEN) and to DD2 (8), her birth sibling. I get how irritating it is when kids do this. But the crying shouldn’t stop your DH from being a parent and reprimanding his DS when his behaviour is out of order or, in this case, downright dangerous.

I would have went absolutely ape shit. I would not be putting up with that crao from either dss or dh. He's already done something very dangerous, one day the consequence will be that someone ends up in hospital.

I am beginning to suspect that the reason your DH is fine with disciplining your kids is because YOU are fine with it too. He knows that you and he are going to be on the same page there. However, if he disciplined DSS, his ex is likely to go off like a frog in a sock and (just like his son) he is terrified of the consequences (being yelled at, etc). So rather than growing a pair and dealing with his son’s behaviour and protecting his own, smaller children - and his son from future consequences for escalating bad behaviour, he is crowding behind the “My DS is too sensitive to be accountable or to be disciplined...”

Your DH is a coward. He is projecting and he is creating a monster.

Oh, just be prepared - DH is likely to make you the scapegoat with Ex when you insist upon dealing with this behaviour. I suspect you need to be prepared for that ahead of time and insist that he ensure that she sees you both as a united team or this won’t work at all.

DS11 certainly does shout at DSS when he donks him on the head with something or trips him up, that will result in DSS crying.

If DS11 does anything in retaliation like donking him on the head himself, of course that results in hysterics from DSS.

They were messing about the other month (both enthusiastically) and DSS pushed DS11 and he fell awkwardly. DS11 has problems with balance as he has problems with his legs, so obviously he got angry. He got up and shoved DSS in retaliation and DSS became hysterical.

Oh I already feel like the scapegoat where his ex is concerned.

We don't have a great deal of animosity between us but there has been a handful of times that she has said or done something that should require him addressing it with her but instead of doing that he just brushes it all under the carpet and allows me to look like the unreasonable one.

Hmmm.... I would find it very difficult to respect a man who repeatedly allows his child to hurt his other children to avoid upsetting his ex. He doesn’t seem to mind upsetting you or his other kids. He may be unwilling to go to counselling. That’s fine. Is he willing to move out and take DSS with him if DSS is unsafe? (It may come to this for him to comprehend what’s at stake. I suspect he believes that things will “blow over” like they always have.)

@ClaireP20

I suspect this isnt the whole story. When he 'dropped' your toddler, were they playing? Was it an accident? You actually come across like you really don't like the poor sod and are giving us an edited version. Ever cuddled him and told him he is great before? Or that he is a lovely big brother? Or that you love having him there? Thought not.

Do you realise how fucking stupid you sound? Rtft and maybe then comment you prick.