To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

All this can be done kindly and calmly

He needs to learn to think things through in preparation for adulthood where he will be guided by himself and not you or DH

@butterry

Are the tears only from knowing he has done something wrong and he is in trouble? Surely he is crying and upset about how he has hurt his sister too? Did he ask about her, apologise, seem concerned at all about how his actions hurt her? If he has no empathy apart from self-preservation then you need to seek professional advice on this. A 9 year old should really understand actions and consequences of hurting people and feel bad. Mine are much younger but straight away even through tears will be saying sorry I hurt you if they hurt someone by accident.

Good point

Why have you got a DH problem? It's the child you're struggling to parent.

I’m not qualified to comment on the potential sen but I would call your dh out every single time he tells another child off from here on. Really dh, is that what you would say if someone else did it? And if it were my older child who must have noticed this difference long ago I’d sharply tell dh not to talk to him like that, then in private say you would NEVER speak to your son like that even when he could have killed our child.
And keep doing that, the hypocrisy of it would drive me up the wall.

Earlier in the day we were playing with the little ones, jumping out from the other room and shouting "raaaah" and DSS was apparently oh so scared so we had to stop that game immediately.

Sick of it.

Pick your battles -=and fingers crossed your little one is ok

I really do love him. I feel pretty shit now that I've come across as though I don't. Please don't feel bad. Some of the responses have been fucking crazy. Making out like you want your partner to shout at your ss when you've literally said you don't want that, you just want clear boundaries. Some posters feel children from first relationships must be treated better than any other children.

Look forget being harsh to toughen him up and get him to behave through fear. Where has she mentioned wanting anyone to behave through fear?! She just wants boundaries and consequences for a 9yo potentially causing life long damage to a toddler. She's mentioned wanting something similar to a time out and age appropriate chat. Nothing to do with fear ffs.

I actually have serious concerns for this kid’s future as an adult if this behaviour continues. I genuinely believe that your DSS is enjoying a power game at the moment. He is hurting other children and getting away with it. He knows that the operatic waterworks deflect consequences. I bet if you ignore it and put him in time out, they’d stop pretty quickly, and he’d be furious. This continuing to get one up on other people (playing you all for fools - because you can see that’s what he’s doing... you just don’t actually want to come out and acknowledge it.) forebodes bullying and other, potentially worse behaviours as he grows up if he is not given adequate and consistent boundaries now. (I am seeing the violent man-baby who lives with the aggressively defensive mummy well into his late 30’s, then sponges off vulnerable women, and returning home to mummy every time things don’t work out the way he feels entitled. There are a lot of these men on these boards.) BUT - this is a looooong time in a fictitious future and there is time to stop this now. I don’t think this kid is “sensitive”. I think he is clever, and I think he is manipulative. I also suspect that if your DH and his mother don’t pull together ASAP, you’re going to possibly be seeking marriage guidance counselling or a solicitor.

I’m shocked at some of the replies on here, some posters don’t seem to have read all of your replies OP.

You sound like a lovely step mum and DH is obviously overcompensating with DS due to guilt, like many separated dads do.
I would definitely look into ADHD.

Not just separated dads, both parents can feel guilty about splitting up which may or may not affect the subsequent parenting of any children from the relationship. 2 years old is very young to have parents split up, and all children need different parenting needs depending on their life experience. One size does not fit all.

I agree that consistency and firm boundaries is key here-but you all have to be consistent with all the children every time. You say you give your SS one on one time-does he see you doing the same with your other children? Etc...

Agree with your strategy OP, it needs sorting.

I also agree with PPs that his crying at the merest hint of conflict needs sorting before he goes to secondary school, Y7s are brutal - if he becomes known as the kid that cries easily he'll be picked on for a long time It's shit, but true. Can your DH work on DSS's resilience?

psychcentral.com/lib/10-tips-for-raising-resilient-kids/

DH is creating a manipulative monster.

When this boy is old enough to be prosecuted for his actions, crying in the dock won't get him off.

@anxiiousone

DH is creating a manipulative monster.

When this boy is old enough to be prosecuted for his actions, crying in the dock won't get him off.

Yep!

Another example of a parent (Disney dad) failing to instil any kind of resilience or discipline into their child.

OP if that had been me, I’d have disciplined DSS myself and ignored the tears and wailing and I’d have yelled at DH for being a spineless shit. If your DH is unwilling to discipline his son in your house then you have absolutely every right to do it yourself. If your DH doesn’t like that then he’ll have to step up and do some parenting, won’t he?

I'd have screamed at him myself. Sounds like it's about time he grew the fuck up.

I'd have also told him to stop with the crocodile tears by now. He's manipulating you all and it's pathetic

I really do love him. I feel pretty shit now that I've come across as though I don't.

You haven't come across like that at all. It's very clear you love him and are frustrated with his father for letting the boy down.

Just saying - he’s nine. Not a baby. At nine he knows what he’s doing. This is not simply toddler-style impulse control. This is calculated.

I'm with your OH. You admit that it 2as an accident, recklessness. He cried because he thought hed hurt his sister.

What he needs is to calmly explained that careless actions have consequences. Why do you believe that more will be achieved by a big telling off?

If he'd done it maliciously, then absolutely, but recklessness by a 9yo who might have the normal level of maturity needs more educating than punishing.

Hi, thank you for the replies.

Alot of brilliant advice here and alot to think about. I've bookmarked the links you've given me (ie disney dadding, golden child scapegoat) and I will say you're bang on the money. Those descriptions are scarily accurate.

DH left early for work today and it was clear he was trying to keep out of my way, I don't know whether that's because he's pissed off with me or whether it's out of shame because he's registered what I was saying last night.

RE would I consider family therapy, absolutely I would. I recognise the benefit of working through problems and communicating however DH is the opposite to me so getting him to agree will be tough.

What he tends to do when there is an argument is fall quiet. He is never the one to revisit the topic after the period of silent treatment. He mills about barely speaking to me and then when he wants to move on from the bad atmosphere he'll become upbeat and try to carry on as usual as though nothing had happened.

That frustrates me ALOT because I'm somebody who needs an open dialogue of communication and to be able to discuss an issue then a resolution.

I can see what you're saying, dontdisturbme, but DH didn't even educate him about it. All he wanted to do was get DSS to stop crying and brush it under the carpet.

Crying out to be treated like a member of the family. It's the little things. Telling off like the other children = a secure place in the family and acceptance.

This is actually a very good and perceptive point made by Twins. He could well be doing this unconsciously to provoke a "family" response, rather than a "guest" one.

Twins and Schaden, you may have a point there yes.

When I was a child I had zero boundaries to the extent I recall actively wanting to be told off and as such I would actively push what I thought should be the boundaries. It was different in that I was an only child to a single parent, but I can understand the logic.