AIBU to feel judged for being Male and collecting DD from school.

[CollieChase]

Have been working from home since March, during this time DD has started a new primary school, as working from home I do 90% of drop off and collections and have noticed that none of the other female parents will interact with me, best case I may get an awkward “hello”. Should my partner go they are more than happy to introduce themselves, and chat away.
Thought it might be something personal but have observed the same happens with all the guys.

Do ladies judge, or feel uncomfortable about a guy waiting at the school gates for their child?

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

Is there an assumption we are ‘a layabout’ to have the time available to do the school run?

There are plenty of male family members who pick up from my daughters school, I can’t see why anyone would care or make a judgement🤷🏻‍♀️.

And as for being a layabout.....I don’t think that about the mums so why would I think that of the dads?

About a third of my DDs class are collected by a male carer (some are obviously grandfather's, some look like dad's, others I have no idea). DH tries to pick up our DDs once a week, they love it. If anything, I think father's are judged positively for it.

I think you're overthinking it, I highly doubt anyone is judging you or feeling uncomfortable because you're a man.

No, there are loads at our school including DH. Including self employed or people with flexible hours, plenty of grandads too.

If you stop turning up in the mankini you'll look less of a layabout

It was never a problem when any of my 3 DC were at school.

How chatty/friendly are you?

A lot of MNetters seem to complain about 'playground cliques' and other parents ignoring them but sometimes when you question them a bit more, they're not exactly making a huge effort either.

And as for the 'layabout' assumption.

If they were going to assume anything at all, why wouldn't it be that you were a SAHP or a shift worker?

Im quite chatty and friendly with most people, over lockdown there have been more dads picking up from nursery. I regulate how much I chat to them as I don’t want them (or the other mums) getting the wrong idea. I know this isn’t really fair on the dads and I can see they get a lot less interaction than the mums, but honestly it comes from a lifetime of social conditioning about how to act as a woman, ie the constant balancing act of being yourself (smiley friendly chatty etc) but without ‘leading men on’. Is quite sad really but just the reality.

There were usually a good number of dads and grandads doing drop off and pickup at DDs primary, they didn't get ignored or any assumptions made.

Such a non thing! Sorry, you’re definitely overthinking.

My DH did the majority of the school runs. He wasn’t judged. When I actually did the school run and saw dads doing it, I honestly never thought anything of it.

Maybe they just don't like you

I’m sorry that’s your experience. Myself and my husband both share drop offs and pick ups. We all chat to everyone. I’m very happy to chat to dads and know my husband chats to other mums.

I think there is probably a minority of Mums who seem to think mums should do all this stuff and are a bit hostile towards and suspicious of dads who parent. I always suspect these types of women to have useless husbands and be resentful towards guys like you! Others might feel (needlessly) awkward about talking to a man in case it was taken the wrong way. But as a mum that would personally never cross my mind.

Maybe persevere with some smiles and hellos. You may get to know certain parents of children your daughter is friendly with anyway.

In any eventuality remember that you’re showing your DD a great example of an involved father 👍

I doubt they are judging you simply for being a man who does the school run. Maybe they just feel more comfortable making small talk with women. You might just have to make a bigger effort so they know you are friendly and interested in a chat.

Are you Kevin from Motherland?

I feel like this and I’m female, ours have always been a cliquey bunch. Sometimes get a hello, other times don’t. To be honest it’s easier since covid as there’s less time spent hanging around.

It’s probably just you, plenty of Dads and granddads doing the school run here and chat to other parents of either sex. People don’t talk to me much because I have resting bitch face, maybe you don’t look very approachable.

I think its more a case of they dont see you as a potential friend.

I think your overthinking it. I also don't get beyond awkward hellos if I'm lucky. If female so it's not a sex thing, maybe I just have resting bitch face

I agree with @youarenotthere.
It's getting easier to talk to men now I'm nearly 50 and firmly in the mother/grandmother bracket.

However for years I avoided it.
When I talked to.men they were : too smirky, too inappropriate, they take normal passing of the time of day chat, as a come on.

The humiliation of them reacting like youre beneath them considering as a sexual partner, when you're just trying to be generally friendly. Avoid avoid avoid. ...for years.

Also worth considering that other women might not approve of a woman chatting to you and might gossip.

I suppose you could get through the barriers by being friendly and sociable yourself first and mentioning your wife every third word. People do.

I'd actually suggest it is because they don't know who you are. The proble. With the current situation and the resulting school regulations is that there are no parties, playdates, school events etc so as your child is new there you are 'unconnected' maybe along with a lot of other dads who have previously left the pick up to mum or the afterschool provision...

There are plenty of dads at our pickup but I'll admit the only adult I've spoken to who i didn't already know was one who my child came running out with one day and his dad was stood behind me. This making the connection.

Maybe just spot the parents if your kids friends and start a conversation?

Half the parents who do the school run here are dads. My husband does it half the time. I haven't given it a second thought. Nobody stops to chat atm because it's not allowed for distancing and flow reasons.

I’m female and we have just started a new school not one person has said hi to us since September! We have tried but they don’t want to know. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t think it’s cause your male more that people can be strange!

There are a couple of dads at our primary - they are much friendlier than some of the mums