AIBU to feel judged for being Male and collecting DD from school.

[CollieChase]

Have been working from home since March, during this time DD has started a new primary school, as working from home I do 90% of drop off and collections and have noticed that none of the other female parents will interact with me, best case I may get an awkward “hello”. Should my partner go they are more than happy to introduce themselves, and chat away.
Thought it might be something personal but have observed the same happens with all the guys.

Do ladies judge, or feel uncomfortable about a guy waiting at the school gates for their child?

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

Is there an assumption we are ‘a layabout’ to have the time available to do the school run?

I think it very much depends on the area. My ex partner (male) was shunned by the mothers at the school gate: in a very middle class area there was a strong expectation that a man would be out making money. A man who didn’t fit this stereotype was ....judged.

It’s not pleasant, I know, particularly since it can rather socially disadvantage the child of the ostracised male- not being invited to play, etc, because the mums don’t want a father hanging around.

A manager I had used to send emails to the staff who where all females headed ‘Dear Ladies’. Fucking awful.

If your wife just friendlier than you? My husband is much more sociable and friendlier than me so people talk to him wherever he goes, I’m quite shy and only speak to people I know. There are a million reasons why men pick up their kids so there would be no reason to judge you.

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

Yes - once bitten twice shy.

And every word that ArcheryAnnie posted Thu 12-Nov-20 20:46:10.

I prefer talking to other women tbh. And I wouldn't want people to think I'm making a beeline for someone's dp either. I'd say hello and be polite if you spoke to me though.

My DH had this until the day he turned up to school with a new puppy. He was the centre of attention and from then on they, the other mums, were really chatty.

Borrow a puppy

There have always been a substantial number of dads / grandads picking up at our school (I'd say about 20%) and this doesn't seem to be an issue. Our school gate is pretty chatty generally though social distancing not big round here and parents tend to know each other from accumulated years of parties & playdates & decamping to the neighbouring playground after pick up. I don't want to be harsh, but maybe its just that your OH unconciously gives off a more approachable vibe?

@WorraLiberty

It was never a problem when any of my 3 DC were at school.

How chatty/friendly are you?

A lot of MNetters seem to complain about 'playground cliques' and other parents ignoring them but sometimes when you question them a bit more, they're not exactly making a huge effort either.

This.

There's lots of dads at our primary doing the pick ups. Some would never chat to us and others have a good old matter to us. (And I'd go so far as to say my pals and I definitely fit into the category of "clique".)

I think it depends entirely on how approachable and approaching you are. Give it a go. It may take a few attempts but you might be surprised.

I don't talk to anyone at school pick ups or drop offs. I'm too shy. Usually just keep my head down.

We had the police at our door early one Saturday morning - apparently a car with our number plate had been seen hanging around the school with a man inside.

Yes, that would be my husband dropping our son off at school?!

And yes, that 5 year old standing bollock naked at the top of the stairs looking at you is said child 🤣

I’ll be honest @CollieChase, it think it depends where you live.

Where I am few fathers are coming to pick children up.
And no some women wouldn’t feel comfortable talking with you. Many reasons for that, most of them deeply rooted in a Mysogyn view of the world where fathers never have the same responsibility for their child as mothers do.

You obviously don’t live near me, OP.

At our primary school, around half the adults collecting children at pick up time are men and of this number at least two thirds are farmers. They normally stand around the gates chatting although these days, they tend to congregate around one of the pick up trucks instead.

if a woman talks to a man at the school gates she is obviously a whole whos after everyone's husbands
get with it!

DP used to pick DC up a lot at one point. Our working circumstances have changed so it's always me because I enjoy it but he didn't feel remotely out of place.

Although I will grant you he doesn't want to stop and have a chat, he doesn't really enjoy social stuff and just wants to pick up DC and be gone. It has taken a full year for me to get to know the other mums and even then only a few , mainly because we all walk similar routes home.

Some schools are just like that.

Our school there are loads of Male care givers who pick up and it's not a thing. At all.

The only one who irritates most people (judging by the eye rolls and comments) is the one who scoots on an electric scooter right through the path leading up to the school and has walloped a few ankles. I assume you are not doing anything annoying like that? To be fair clearly someone has had a word because he has stopped that this week.

Fgs most of us don’t want to speak to anyone at the school gates I wouldn’t take personally.

We have to wear masks now, which has curtailed the chatting.
I didn't know anyone when I moved here so I joined the pta. Now I have people to pass the time of day with. You could consider that?

Do ladies judge, or feel uncomfortable about a guy waiting at the school gates for their child?

Don't know about "ladies" but I (a woman) give not the shiniest of shites about who is waiting at the school gates. There are many men who do the pick-up at our school: dads, grandfathers, uncles, older brothers, the mum's boyfriend etc.

Most the time I'm thinking about things like whether I remembered to take the chicken out of the freezer to defrost, whether the parcel I'm expecting has actually arrived, or where I've left/dropped my other glove.

"A man at school" is about as noteworthy as "A person with brown hair at school". It really doesn't register.

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

I really don't concern myself all that much with what a man at school may or may not be thinking. In the nicest possible way, you're really not that important.

Is there an assumption we are ‘a layabout’ to have the time available to do the school run?

Nope. Plenty of people work shifts, are on annual leave, or are on maternity/paternity leave. Again, see above. I really don't care enough either way to give it any real thought.

I’m judging you for using the term “female parent”.
The word is mother.

My H does all the baby groups (self employed) and he never received so much as a raised eyebrow. He loves all that whereas I have no patience with it 🤭

It takes a long time for mums to make friends at the school gates themselves. Lots of mums work part time or are SAHMs. Most men aren't. So it's unsurprising that they wont spend as much time conversing with men when they are seeking out company of those in similar situations in order to meet up and help alleviate the boring and frustrating job of childcare. It's even harder now to chat/make new friends the covid, hence why they might not be making an effort with them. Maybe they just can't be arsed to start polite conversations with someone new. Perhaps you should be the one to.

There could be so many reasons for this. But as you say your wife is having a different experience then it is probably either something about you directly (less friendly? Less well known?) or the fact you are male.

Women avoid men for a wide variety of reasons, not necessarily judgement.

I work in a very male dominated environment. I have found that challenging over the years. The school gate is a chance for me to speak to other women who share similar experiences to me around motherhood which I value.

At our school, plenty of the men do school runs and they talk to each other. The women talk amongst themselves generally.

I think the issue is probably that there are so few other men doing the school run - this may just be unlucky with a particular class.

I'm started of very chatty but when my son and his friend were always nagging me/the friends dad who picked him up to go round to each others houses I gave my number to the dad so we could arrange a play date. In the same way I would give my number to a mum. I think the mum of my son's friend became suspicous I was up to no good (as a single mum I am obviously continually looking to lure men away from their homes) because not only was she then cold with me for a bit but other mums were as well. It worked itself out with time but now I am a bit more cautious around dads than mums (though not hostile) because its not worth the hassle that can occur. Also, I think sometimes the way women act around each other when making friends is almost like flirting - except of course both groups know it isnt. It would be innappropriate to act the same way around married men.

That's odd, at our school there are inert males collecting. Some are stay at home dads, some on shifts, some work from home, others are grandparents/uncles or after school staff. My dad collects my dc once a week and chars to lots of peopleS either you are over thinking and people are just in their friendship groups or it's a very unusual dynamic.

School playgrounds can be awfully clicky.......I've got a friend who suffered really bad depression for years. When her DC had to move schools and ended up landing in a friendlier, inclusive school it had a huge, positive impact on her mental health.

I think we can all be guilty of forming clicks without even realising it. It's something I'm aware of so I'll always make an effort to chat with people who are stood alone and invite them to join us.