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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel judged for being Male and collecting DD from school.

139 replies

CollieChase · 12/11/2020 18:47

Have been working from home since March, during this time DD has started a new primary school, as working from home I do 90% of drop off and collections and have noticed that none of the other female parents will interact with me, best case I may get an awkward “hello”. Should my partner go they are more than happy to introduce themselves, and chat away.
Thought it might be something personal but have observed the same happens with all the guys.

Do ladies judge, or feel uncomfortable about a guy waiting at the school gates for their child?

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

Is there an assumption we are ‘a layabout’ to have the time available to do the school run?

OP posts:
BangersAndMush · 12/11/2020 21:47

I wouldn't get into the school gate thing at all.

If you happen to make friends with someone then that's great, but really you are just there to drop off and pick up your child. Your child will make their own friends and maybe you'll get to know the parents of those friends through playdates and such.

I don't talk to people at the school gates. I'm particularly social and usually in a bit of a rush. If someone strikes up a conversation with me then I'm friendly and say hi but I don't make an effort with anyone. My DH seems to chat to everyone and is well received on the occasions that he goes instead of me.

Also, do you refer to then as "ladies"? Sorry but that is a bit cringey. It might be putting people off.

Candyfloss99 · 12/11/2020 21:48

I think you are paranoid.

MrsFogi · 12/11/2020 21:48

OP - I think you are overanalysing this. I would not be judging you, uncomfortable etc. From my perspective, I would be interested in making friends with other women at the school gate, however, I am uninterested in making friends with men so whilst I would be polite to you and say "Hi" and indulge in conversation if you initiated/continued it however that would be it. Whereas I would see women who chatted to me as potential future friends (and invest the relevant effort to find out what we had in common etc. ).

BangersAndMush · 12/11/2020 21:51

People don’t talk to me much because I have resting bitch face, maybe you don’t look very approachable.

Haha. I have the same thing. I was the only one of my pregnant friends who never had strangers touch my belly. I just don't look inviting Grin

Signifyingnothing · 12/11/2020 21:53

Why do people care about the issue of friendliness at school pick up. You go and collect your child - you go home.

I have always hated the school run because of this bizarre expectation that you should be chatty and everyone's friend. I'm there for my child, ffs.

SarahAndQuack · 12/11/2020 21:54

My DD is still at nursery not school, but pick up/drop off work the same.

I find (sadly) that quite a lot of men don't engage in conversation or offer a friendly smile. If I smile or say 'hi,' sometimes all I'll get is 'hello' before they wait for me to do all the work. I'm not there to be someone's social secretary. I chat to the dads who respond to me in a normal way, or who strike up conversation something like 50% of the time. It doesn't have to be a big thing - a friendly wave, a quick 'how're you doing' is fine. But if you always expect someone else to introduce themselves and chat away, then you will lose out.

Why don't you try going in with some small talk? I don't mean just a 'hello' but proper questions and chatter so they feel as if you're actually keen to get to know them.

Trixie18 · 12/11/2020 21:55

I ignore all the dad's and mums at school drop offs/pick-up, the smalltalk is excruciating.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 12/11/2020 21:57

@PatriciaPerch

I think it might be what you are wearing. When lockdown is over why not get a personal shopper experience in John Lewis? they could help with your clothing, some skincare/self care products? then maybe book yourself in to the hairdressers and get yourself a makeover it makes all the difference good luck
Grin
Littlepond · 12/11/2020 21:59

Nah loads of men st drop off and pick up at DDs school. Wouldn’t even occur to me to be a thing.

katienana · 12/11/2020 22:00

I've seen this come up before and it is so odd! I'd say every day there are about 15-20 kids getting picked up per class, and about a third of those are collected by dads. If I know the dad I say hi and sometimes we chat. The same with the mums. Tends to be the parents of kids my ds plays with.
I wouldn't think anything of it, I could count on one hand the times my dad collected me and I think he would have loved to do it more.

Livelovebehappy · 12/11/2020 22:00

I agree with pp that if someone makes a daily habit of talking with you, gossip starts, and before long rumours that one of the mums and dads are having an affair! That absolutely happens. Obviously it shouldn’t and women should just shrug it off, but a lot of rumours start from gossip at the school gates.

Neversleepingever · 12/11/2020 22:05

Why do you feel entitled to the attention of those women?

emmylousings · 12/11/2020 22:25

I get the impression my (male) DP's srategy is to chat to other males..it seems to work for him, I have noticed a few of the blokes who are regular did have a bit of a posse. That was pre-Covid obvs, the vibe at my DC's school is no where as chatty as it used to be, which is fair enough.That might be working against you too.

SueEllenMishke · 12/11/2020 22:45

Why would people assume you're a layabout?

My DH does at least 50% of the school run and has never had an issue.

goldenharvest · 13/11/2020 10:31

You live in an odd area. The dads we see on the school drop off are chatted to, but often parents of either gender do little more than nod unless they actually know someone socially. I just drop off and pick up, and occasionally chat but usually not. It's not personal at all.

Goldenbear · 13/11/2020 10:40

Don't judge at all, like other posters my DD's school has plenty of Dad's picking up particularly since Covid as more are working from home. My DD's friend's Dad who walk our way always chats to me, it would be odd not to and pre-lockdown would ended up going to the pub on a Friday with the kids in a garden so the children could carry on playing without going in to a house. Obviously, only the one drink. But my husband has done the same with him and as much as possible I get my husband to pick up as he is WFH and I don't like the school gate stuff.

Aragog · 13/11/2020 10:45

Lots of dads, granddad, uncles, older brothers etc do the pick up and drop off at my school. It's certainly not something unusual here.

DH used to do school drop off most days for Dd, as he took her on his way to work. That's 10+ years ago and wasn't unusual at the school then either.

Goldenbear · 13/11/2020 10:46

Even with my son who is now at secondary school, the Dad's of his friends did most of the picking up as their jobs were home based- one was an artist or shifts for a Doctor. Their wives did the jobs in London, not back in time etc. They were quite a bit older than me though so I would imagine had small mortgages unlike us and this is why my DH rarely did it then as he was climbing the career ladder still and in one case was 15 years younger than one of them. If I hadn't engaged with them our boys couldn't have gone to the park to play together after school. It did get a bit awkward with one as he was complaining about how his wife didn't understand all the stuff he did for the house and kids and was at work all day.

formerbabe · 13/11/2020 13:22

@Neversleepingever

Why do you feel entitled to the attention of those women?
Oh purlease
Skysblue · 13/11/2020 14:33

Honestly, I do feel uncomfortable chatting to lone Dads at school. I used to think it was possible to have platonic male friends/colleagues, but after SO many experiences over the years of men mistaking friendliness for a sexual invitation, I now just prefer to avoid the whole thing, ie talk to women, or couples, and not men unless we’re related. I’ve even had a married dad suddenly grope me, knowing I’m married and a mum, presumably because I was chatty. I was just being polite! Have had sudden unwanted ‘shoulder rubs’ as well on two other occasions 🤢 Friends have had similar experiences including at the school gate.

By middle age, most women have had far too many bad experiences with men to want to strike up a friendly conversation with an unknown man, even a parent, even in a playground, and that is just how it is. Believe me I wish it wasn’t.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2020 14:45

Why is it 'ladies' Envy and 'female parents' but 'Male'?

FWIW there are some dads/granddads I chat to and some I avoid like the plague. For reference the ones I avoid are Hipster Twat (a feather in your hair and a kilt for the school run; arse), Affair Man (seriously, make an attempt to hide it) and I Bet He Hits His Kid and Possibly Wife Man (very very bad vibes).

formerbabe · 13/11/2020 14:48

By middle age, most women have had far too many bad experiences with men to want to strike up a friendly conversation with an unknown man, even a parent, even in a playground, and that is just how it is

Bullshit that's the reason. These boards are full of women who are ignored by other mums on the school run.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 13/11/2020 14:49

I have the same experience as the OP but I put it down to my social anxiety. I probably emit “fuck off” vibes due to my nervousness. I fidget with my fingers in a particular way walking into school to calm myself, and I usually have an intense conversation with my son so I can focus on him on the way out. I hate school run.

Buddytheelf85 · 13/11/2020 14:50

Do you refer to them as ‘ladies’ and yourself as ‘a guy’? Because that would definitely make me avoid you, sorry.

Goldenbear · 13/11/2020 15:08

I'm utterly perplexed by the 'sexual invitation' idea, perhaps I'm very and though as I've never experienced this in the slightest. The only thing I felt uncomfortable about was listening to one of DS's friend's Dad moan about how his wife didn't understand how much he does with the children and how she was unrealistic about the housework being done before she came home. I liked the mum and it felt a bit disloyal.