AIBU to feel judged for being Male and collecting DD from school.

[CollieChase]

Have been working from home since March, during this time DD has started a new primary school, as working from home I do 90% of drop off and collections and have noticed that none of the other female parents will interact with me, best case I may get an awkward “hello”. Should my partner go they are more than happy to introduce themselves, and chat away.
Thought it might be something personal but have observed the same happens with all the guys.

Do ladies judge, or feel uncomfortable about a guy waiting at the school gates for their child?

Is there a concern that we’ll read too much into polite conversation?

Is there an assumption we are ‘a layabout’ to have the time available to do the school run?

No judgement. Quite normal to have dads or grandads at pick up.

Plus if a small village, surely everyone knows you are the dad...

I always chatted to dad’s , but more to mum’s as I’ve more in common.

It's women not. Ladies.
You aren't being judged they are just not interacting with you. The world is full of men and sometimes women just want to talk to other women.

So glad my kids make their own way home now and I don’t have to deal with this shit any longer.

It’s very likely to have nothing to do with you being male and everything to do with them not wanting to include anyone who isn’t in their clique. I never understand people who use their child’s school as the complete focus of their social lives.

I wouldn’t read too much into it. Eventually the happy day will come when you no longer have to do pick up.

I find it hard to believe this post! While it is majority women at pick up and drop off, there are many men where I live (London) - I cannot imagine a man standing out or feeling wierd.

I think people are not particularly friendly at the gate - especially once in established year groups unfortunately and especially with Covid.

I think so often when people feel paranoid like this it's just that everyone waits for someone else to say hello. Try being friendly and chatty, you will find out who the other friendly types are.

Thinking about it there are lots of dad's who do drop off and pick up at my DC's school (including my DH) but when I'm there I generally chat to the mum's. The men picking up tend to be looking at their phones while waiting so I guess maybe that's why?

My husband did most of the school runs when kids were younger, he was universally adored by That One Group of Mums. I was mostly ignored by them, though early on one of them did ask if I was my daughter's nanny. (Husband is white, I'm clearly Black though quite light-skinned, our children could pass for white if they wanted to).

YANBU in a way if that's how you feel it comes across to you but I voted YABU because it's not something I, or my DH, have experienced at all. It's a real mix of parents, grandparents and carers of both sexes doing school runs and as far as I can tell it doesn't make a difference. There's not loads of chatting at the moment anyway though as we're all wearing masks and socially distancing...

It's been 10 years for me - I have given up on the chit chat. I just go, pick up and run. If someone says hello, I say hello back. If I recognise someone I nod and smile.

I can count on my fingers of 1 hand the times I have actually had a chat.

Same for dh.

We have lots of dads at our school. Parents tend to be friends with the parents of their kids friends. Although in our school the dads too tend to hang around in dad groups.

I think this year has been particularly difficult because of covid and social distancing. My youngest has been at school since August and with covid and no play dates to meet parents most people either stand alone or with people they knew before.

It's many years since my DCS were at school but even then, 30 years ago there were plenty of dads collecting their kids.

I've not really been talking to anyone at school gates since lockdown. So yes haven't really got to know new parents which I normally would. Normally you get to know people when your child wants play dates too which isn't really happening right now. Some classes can be quite cliquey so it might just be a new parent thing rather than a male thing.

My DH does all drop offs and pick ups at the moment as he is also working from home. He does chat to some of the mum's from DC1's year as we have known them for a little while now. He's not really a people person though so would probably prefer it if they didn't chat!

My late DH did the school run every day - he also felt out of place but didn't really care. He had been a single dad previously and did every school run then too. He never took it as a sign of people being uncomfortable with his presence, he said hello to people and was pleasant to them but didn't make any friends there. He was more upset when a teacher mistook him for DS's grandad!

I think the school gates is terrible for judgement.

It's probably because you're new and they've already formed their friendship groups, also if you're all wearing masks it's really hard too.

In my DC's class there are loads of dads doing drop off and pick up and we're all friendly with each other.

Loads of dads are my DC school. I’m always in a rush so don’t really speak to anyone for no other reason. With DC1 I knew most of the parents as I was on maternity and I’d talk to anyone that would listen.

With DC2 I had to rush to pick up DC1 so never really got to know the patents as I also work so haven’t got the time I used to have.

I couldn’t tell you what DC belongs to which adult to be honest.....🙈

Perhaps you have a natural steely gaze?

Do the other men make an effort to chat with each other?

We're all queuing up in a line at the moment (one parent allowed per child) with chatting actively discouraged on the school premises.

The only folk who do chat are those who know each other well and happen to end up in the queue together. Then it's 2m apart sort of shouting pleasantries at each other.

Thought it would be the same everywhere?

I’m the only Dad at pick up (there is sometimes a Grandad who was the most ‘grandad’ style cardigans I have ever seen), when I used to do the drop off I was the only Dad I saw dropping off to breakfast club, most were dropped off by Mum or a childminder. But you obviously don’t see as many adults at drop off.

We have a staggered pick up because of covid and we aren’t meant to socialise closely when waiting after school. That could be why?

Before covid I was largely ignored, I’m fairly quiet with people I don’t know so for me its a plus. It also means when there is the rare school gate fight I’m away in my little area and away from any drama (mainly body shop turf wars).

I know lots of people talk to my partner when he does the drop off, but hes a social butterfly.

It’s a good split here I’d say pee covid always the cliques spread out. My OH does it when he’s off. I like the drop and run scenario now, I also have resting bitch face so only people actually know me talk to me because they know I’m not horrid haha! One Dad I pass on the way home always says hello, haven’t a clue who he is, never spoken to him in my life, he’s bringing his kid in and I’ve already dropped mine. I’m grateful for the conga line in the afternoon stops all the small talk

Why are you getting upset women are not talking to you?

No one will be judging you. Lots of dads do the school run at my dcs school. It's not unusual.

As a rule I am cautious about being too friendly to any dads. I don't want to upset anyone. If I know their partner well, and have met them socially outside of school then I'll chat. Otherwise it's a polite hello and a smile.

There's two things going on here:

First, you seem to feel that you aren't getting enough attention. Perhaps think about how nice it is for mums to get a chance to chat with other mums, and not make it all about you.

Second, you seem to think that not being the centre of attention is "being judged". Honestly, if this isn't an absolutely textbook demonstration of male privilege, then I don't know what is. Welcome to the world of many, many women in male-dominated workplaces - except of course at least at the school gates nobody can tell you to make the tea, or pay you less.

I don't think any different of mums. Dads, brothers, sisters, grandparents. I think it's a v v odd question.