conceited and judgemental DH

[Purplelemon7]

I would love to hear from anyone who is with a person who is quite judgemental and conceited.

My DH has lots of nice qualities but this is his biggest flaw. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people. It’s a family trait as his mother and his siblings all hold themselves in exceptionally high regard. It effects our relationship because I worry that he’s judging me and doesn’t think much of me. He rarely ever compliments me but does compliment himself a fair bit. He does have a lot going for him so it’s not unjustified but it is strange. I didn’t really pick up on it in the early days because when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me. As time goes on though he’s stopped doing that and it’s starting to really getting to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Have a discussion with him next time he compliments himself and see “ I see, I’m not good enough for you. You never compliment me like that these days” and see what he says

It’s a pretty big flaw and it’s awful he never says anything nice about you.

He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people
and yet you married him......
when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me - but you didn't care how he treated other though - and now karma's biting you on your arse.

How about getting some standards and dumping him?

We have actually discussed it many times and he says he does value me and will try to show it... but he never really does, unless I get annoyed about it then he will compliment for a day or two and then stop. I sometimes wonder if he’s ‘too full of himself’ to think about me or if he isn’t capable of appreciating anyone other than himself. Other than this he’s very helpful and affectionate so not a total dickhead like it might seem but yes this is a big flaw.

@monkeymonkey2010 Yes I hold my hands up. I was young and naive and too in love to notice. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

@monkeymonkey2010 bloody hell, calm y’er jets a bit.

What would happen if you simply said 'Get off your high horse, love' next time he spouts off?

Perhaps you could point out what an unattractive trait this is. Because it is.
He needs taking down a few pegs.

@monkeymonkey2010 er transfer your own issues somewhere else.

OP, what does he say when you pint this out?

You can’t live with this long term or you will lose yourself to trying to win his approval - which he will withhold. It’s fruitless.

I’ve told him it’s unattractive and that it makes me feel worthless in our relationship. He says he won’t do it again and will try to tell me the nice things he thinks about me and he will do that for a day or two but then reverts back to himself again.

Have you tried calling him on every time he compliments himself? ‘Here we go, buying tickets on you’ It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t think very highly of you if he likes to mention good points, just his not yours. But you would say you obviously don’t have to sound like such a wanker as you tell me you appreciate me but never come out with these compliments. So either you’re lying and think there’s nothing attractive about me, or you really could just shut up about yourself a bit, which is it?

I suspect you are really just increasing the chance his next gf is better treated though.

I haven’t called him out because I guess I don’t like raining on his parade. For example this evening he was telling me about all the progress he’s making in his career and how remarkable it is for someone his age. That’s true, but I think most people wouldn’t make that evaluation about themselves or if they did they would feel to embarrassed to say it. It should really be me saying that he’s done so well, but I don’t really do that any more because I think he’s already too big headed. A lot of his boasting is about conveying what other people have said about him. He would probably think there’s nothing wrong with telling me about all the compliments he gets and would ask why he should hide that from me...

Oh, that sounds embarrassing, as well as annoying!

If his family is that way, too, he's been raised with the habit since birth, and I don't truly believe it's likely that he'll ever change. He'd have to see it as a problem (which he clearly doesn't) and really work at it, and even then it would be a challenge.

You'll have to find ways to cope with it for as long as you're together. You could continue to point it out to him, every time, but that sounds miserable for both of you.

For example this evening he was telling me about all the progress he’s making in his career and how remarkable it is for someone his age.

Fucking hell. What a complete and utter twat. He has no idea that he's making a tit out of himself.

I work with someone like this - I respond "yes and so humble too, you really ARE the whole package"

Blowing your own trumpet is one thing but blowing your own trumpet while "never saying anything nice about anyone and always looking down on other people" is a completely different thing.

I could live with the first trumpet blower (possibly), but not the 2nd.

Well from your op I thought dick.

Update though. Between partners it's fine I think to say yay got the promotion even though young etc.

Depends how he's saying it really.

' He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people.' *= wanker.

'For example this evening he was telling me about all the progress he’s making in his career and how remarkable it is for someone his age. That’s true,' = I don't have a problem with that.

On quote 1 though he sounds like a total arsehole. (My parents are like that).

How about calling him out when he puts someone else down? Tell him how unpleasant it is and that you think less of people who do that.

E.g., “ Person A’s such a boring old fart.”
You: “ What a nasty thing to say, A’s such a nice person. Remember when they did xyz for you or said sth nice to you?”

Or “ Person B’s not doing well career-wise (compared with wonderful me).”

You: “That’s not very nice, they’re such a good friend to you.” Or, “ That’s not very nice, they may not be as successful as you but they’ve been such a good friend/ they’re fun to be with.”

If he’s been brought up to look down on other people, you need to let him know that it’s a spiteful trait and that you think less of him for it. I’m afraid you’ll have to be crystal clear and there’ll probably be a row or two. But if you don’t, he’ll carry on doing it!

Does he actually say nasty things that put you down, like criticising your clothes/hair/weight/intelligence?

Or does he just never say anything nice to/about you?

Neither is great but the first is more worrying than the second.

As for his big-headed ways, we are forever trying to teach our children to be confident and believe in themselves but he seems not to have got the memo that you can do this in a non-arrogant way. That said, do you know anything about his job/career structure? If not, it’s reasonable for him to explain to you that he is younger than average for the position he holds. Otherwise, how would you know, and as his partner it must surely be relevant to you if he is doing better than average?

Comebacks such as "mind the door, your head's getting too big to get through it", or "nice that you've got such tickets on yourself" or "do need a band to go with that trumpet you're blowing?" might help.

They might not either - depends on whether he cares that you see him as big-headed. My DH used to be a bit like this but he's not anything like as bad now.

That would really irritate me. I can't stand people who judge others or sneer at them in that way. I don't think I could ever feel confident that they weren't judging me similarly, and I'd probably be found wanting by their exacting standards.

Pull him up on it. Every time.

@Topseyt

That would really irritate me. I can't stand people who judge others or sneer at them in that way. I don't think I could ever feel confident that they weren't judging me similarly, and I'd probably be found wanting by their exacting standards.

Pull him up on it. Every time.

@Topseyt. Agreed and I have to be honest and admit that when I meet people IRL like that now, i drop them like a hot potato. I won’t attempt to make or maintain friendships with them. Harsh, but I ain’t got the time in my 40’s.

So this excessive braggery continues when he is at work? With his friends? His family? And all his colleagues, friends and relatives just let him carry on?

I really can't see that going down well in the workplace.

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