conceited and judgemental DH

[Purplelemon7]

I would love to hear from anyone who is with a person who is quite judgemental and conceited.

My DH has lots of nice qualities but this is his biggest flaw. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people. It’s a family trait as his mother and his siblings all hold themselves in exceptionally high regard. It effects our relationship because I worry that he’s judging me and doesn’t think much of me. He rarely ever compliments me but does compliment himself a fair bit. He does have a lot going for him so it’s not unjustified but it is strange. I didn’t really pick up on it in the early days because when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me. As time goes on though he’s stopped doing that and it’s starting to really getting to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

So does he criticise you?

Talking himself up all the time would get boring and embarrassing.

Arrogant. Yes my DH is a bit like this. It’s not all the time though. I’d find it hard to live with if it was all the time

He sounds insecure actually. Constantly talking about his own achievements to prove his own self-worth.

I agree with the poster above- this comes from a place of insecurity.
My ex was like this- constantly putting others down and always talking about his achievements. It was exhausting and I couldn’t live with it.
I’d worry less about not being complimented and more about being with someone who needs to drag others down and be so judgemental.

How old is he OP, is he like this at work? If he is, a shock could be waiting for him one day.

I had a line manager like this. He did rise through the ranks fairly quickly. When he took on the team he called a meeting and said "this will be the best team in the organisation, because I'm the real deal and get it done". Hmm, ok then.

We let him "get it done", because he didn't listen to us mere mortals who could really do the job, it went pear shaped and he was shown the door with 18 months through "redundancy".

His words were "I just can't understand why they've done it", we told him he'd been a twat and refused to listen to the people who could really do the job, so we left him to "get it done", whilst covering our own arses. Hopefully he learned a valuable lesson.

Yes yes to the posters above who identify this as being insecurity. He is possibly seeking approval and validation because somewhere along the line, maybe in childhood, he didn’t get it. You mention his family are judgemental so it is quite possible that bigging himself up is a way of winning approval from others which was not freely given in his younger years. Sounds like he is driven to progress in his career as a way to feel good about himself. He is needing external validation.

It is really tedious to hear but if you can regard it as insecurity it might help?

It sounds as if this was how he 'needed' to be in a family full of big-but-fragile egos (in fact I wonder if vying among the siblings for the mother's attention/approval could be at the root of this). Definitely insecurity, even if fairly deep-seated.He's learned that the way to shore yourself up is to do others down, and as this is quite a tolerated characteristic in men in particular and in some areas of business, he hasn't yet been confronted with the necessity of changing.

I'd tell him planily you don't want to hear his unpleasant opinions about others, his boasting makes him appear insecure and he's not living in his family of origin now.

*He's learned

@CatteStreet

*He's learned

If that's aimed at what I put at the end of my comment, I'm high as a kite on Codeine and Morphine (it's a great place to be!!), so I'm surprised I know what day of the week it is!!! Sunday I think? 🤔

@PhilCornwall1No, the poster had corrected her own mistake, caused by autocorrect no doubt!

[quote Nannewnannew]@PhilCornwall1No, the poster had corrected her own mistake, caused by autocorrect no doubt![/quote]
Yes, I was correcting myself (not autocorrect but moving a sentence to a different place in the post and clearly deleting something else in the process )

My ex was like this. Always talking about the business success he had despite having no qualifications. ( he sold the business and spent the money ) He went to work, got sacked for attitude to staff and ended up in minimum wage type work. He constantly told me he was more intelligent than me though I have a degree. I challenged him to go and get formal qualifications and prove it but he never tried. I know he came across as arrogant but when I told him what people thought he was quite pleased. He used long words to try and appear superior.

Yes, confident people don’t behave like this.

Think you’re right in your view that he’s self absorbed and that he - not you, and the DC if you have them - is his top priority. He’s blatant about this and that’s ‘the deal’ with him.

Worry less about what he thinks about/how he judges you, and more about what you think about HIM! These are unattractive behaviours.

If you wish to stay with him, as PPs say, when he disparages others, or you, point it out and ask him to stop. Broken record technique.

When he boasts, you could take that case by case / volume.

As for what he asks about your life/interests and pursuits and successes and says about you, with ‘the deal’ he’s offering you, he doesn’t have equal regard or consideration for you, so is unlikely to reciprocate the airtime/support/positive strokes he takes from you.

You already tried talking... personally I would just take the piss out of him when he did it. Make him see how much of an fool he sounds.

The fact is that people don’t change, so you either put up with it or you split.

Yes, I was correcting myself (not autocorrect but moving a sentence to a different place in the post and clearly deleting something else in the process )

Told you I was off my nut

Flipperty - WE can change - op can change the way she responds to him and that may make a different.

I agree with the posters who say it's insecurity. I worked with someone like this and was incredibly tedious, but underneath he had practically no self confidence and the arrogance was just a way for him to build himself up to other people.

'Self-praise is no praise', is a very apt little saying that I'd be using a lot in your place OP.

Stop wondering if you are good enough for him and start wondering if he is good enough for YOU

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Comebacks such as "mind the door, your head's getting too big to get through it", or "nice that you've got such tickets on yourself" or "do need a band to go with that trumpet you're blowing?" might help.

They might not either - depends on whether he cares that you see him as big-headed. My DH used to be a bit like this but he's not anything like as bad now.

These are great also "yes and so humble too, you really ARE the whole package" from @Sadhoot

I'm going to steal them all

I used to go out with a man who had a high opinion of himself and would sometimes criticise others in quite a mean way. I didn’t like it either but was inexperienced then and didn’t see it clearly until later.

He won’t change unless he wants to unfortunately. As a previous poster suggested I would try calmly pointing out how mean / judgmental he’s being each time he says something rude. The only thing you can change is to stop worrying about how he is judging you and whether he thinks you’re good enough. I wouldn’t give his opinion on you that much weight - try to build confidence in yourself so that you aren’t worrying about what he thinks of you. He’s obviously not concerned whether you approve of him! Don’t put him in a position of power over you.

You could always give him a new nickname.

Trump

Nastiness about other people: no
Holding up your own achievements and celebrating them: what’s wrong with that? Aren’t we constantly told to practise ‘self love’??? I admit it sounds massively ducking annoying but it also sounds like a conversation between partners. Normally, your partner’s on your team and you both support each other and celebrate success. By doing that you shore up each other’s self esteem but ....you are not on his ‘team’. He has lost his audience and tipped over into arrogance. I think you need to tell him how you feel, he sounds very draining .

Agree with the others who’ve said he’s actually deeply insecure. He does it constantly, because he’s looking for affirmation all the time. People who are totally secure in themselves don’t do this, or certainly not on anything like a regular basis. My DH is pretty arrogant (he’d admit this), but as a result cares not at all what other people think of him and certainly wouldn’t think to score points off others. Why? Because he genuinely believes that he is the smartest person in the room, doesn’t need anyone else to tell him so and doesn’t need to make anyone else feel small to confirm that belief. (To be fair to him, he is extremely clever and also extremely kind....and will accept being called out as wrong on the rare occasion he is with decent enough grace.). Your DH sounds insecure to me.