conceited and judgemental DH

[Purplelemon7]

I would love to hear from anyone who is with a person who is quite judgemental and conceited.

My DH has lots of nice qualities but this is his biggest flaw. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people. It’s a family trait as his mother and his siblings all hold themselves in exceptionally high regard. It effects our relationship because I worry that he’s judging me and doesn’t think much of me. He rarely ever compliments me but does compliment himself a fair bit. He does have a lot going for him so it’s not unjustified but it is strange. I didn’t really pick up on it in the early days because when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me. As time goes on though he’s stopped doing that and it’s starting to really getting to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

Can't believe he brags about social media posts.

I do think you need to point out every time he makes a bragging post about himself and every time he puts you down...

I can't stand people who judge others or sneer at them in that way

Oh, the irony 🤣

I would be very concerned about the effect this will be having on your children. Does he ever criticise them? Does he boast about himself to them?

He sounds like a conceited, judgemental twat and it’s a perfectly good reason to divorce him.

I am wondering how he is reacting if you do the same thing than him, aka talk about what you do in a good light, highlight the stuff you and say how goo you are.
Wouod he agree and back you up or would he think that you are getting over yourself and bragging?

Fwiw, my dh isnt like your dh but is also very good at not recognising people's accomplishments if he cant relate to them. So I've made a point of highlighting what I do and how great it is (we are all managing to do things well and imo it's all worth celebrating!). In doing that, I noticed tow tings. He started to show more respect for what I do and I started to have more respect for myself and my own accomplishments.

I’ve been on par with him in terms of promotions/income up until his most recent promotion. I just don’t make a huge deal of it.

I would have a major issue with that btw.
He is showing himself in a good light but doesn't acknowledge how well you are doing which is exacteky the same than him!!!
I jave to say I would have told him long ago that I am doing just as well as him and there is nothing to be boasting about.
On the other side, I think YOU need to make a huge deal out of your achievements. If you don't do it, who will?

Why and from whom is he (he reports) seeking and receiving comments on social media about his looks?!

If this was your first DC, especially, when the ‘motherhood penalty’ really hits, would prioritise your career, eg work full time, share the parenting/domestics/‘ mental load’. And your health and wellbeing. With a bighead DH like that who doesn’t demonstrate high regard for you, you need to look out for yourself!

He doesn’t criticise me or our children, his family, his closest friends. It’s people that aren’t close to him that he looks down on and says negative things about. If he boasts about the kids it’s usually to describe something that they have in common with him eg my daughter looks like his side of the family so he will compliment her on being cute, my son takes after him in personality traits so he will compliment him on that.

He’s not seeking the comments that he gets on social media. He has a large following and random people (who are looking to meet someone I guess) just send him messages but he shuts them down by telling them he’s married.

It goes so against my own nature to boast about myself or to shut someone down when they are saying something but maybe that’s the only way I’m going to get him to realise.

The boasts are also never really just throw out there on their own. There’s always a wider context/story that he’s telling. For example my sister in law recently commented on how our daughter remind her of my husband when he was a baby. We started talking about how we each of us resemble our parents. He then told me a story about his father introducing him to a relative on a wedding and the relative saying “My goodness is he really your son, he looks nothing like you. He looks like a model. He must have got all his good looks from your wife”. He has lots of stories like this where people compliment him and he’s always happy to throw them in at any chance that he gets.

Sorry but I agree with monkeymonkey2010. He sounds awful: thin-skinned, narcissistic and insecure. People who have genuine self-confidence just don't do this.

With the greatest of respect OP I wonder what's happened to you to make you feel that you need to sit through his tedious self blowjobbery while he doesn't feel the need to compliment or value you at all. And the fact that you have never brought it up suggests you think you don't deserve better.

It doesn't sound as if you're in LTB territory so I won't press that point but I for one couldn't deal with this.

It doesn’t sound as though you feel there is much communication in your conversations with your partner. The picture you’ve painted suggests he’s there monologuing about himself or offering his opinions whilst you feel ignored. Rather than telling him you want more compliments (and there’s nothing wrong with that, by the way) how about telling him how you feel hearing him boasting? ‘When you do X, I feel Y’ is a bit of a therapy cliche - sorry - but effective. You’re owning your feelings, modelling that to him and letting him know how his behaviour affects you. And he does sound insecure. You might ask him how he feels when he bigs himself up. Reassured? It sounds a bit like self soothing (you really are a great bloke...). He has qualities you like, so maybe say ‘yes, you’re great at your job, but I also love it when you’re kind to strangers’ for instance.

Every time he praises the DC he is actually putting you down...

All the "worthy" things are from you and there is nothing worth complimenting that comes from you...

His Mum/parents have raised an indulged Little Emperor!

I really don’t think it’s insecurity. He was over indulged as a child and he hasn’t been brought up to notice good things about others and hasn’t been taught from a young age that boasting isn’t socially unacceptable. Can that be undone or do these things become so ingrained that they can never be changed?

This reminds me of the line in My Perfect Cousin by The Undertones:

He will never be left on the shelf
'Cause Kevin he's in love with himself

If someone says something nice to me it makes me happy but I don’t feel the need to tell anyone about it. I feel if I do it will come across as conceited. Maybe he thinks everyone should in the way that you might relay any other detail about your day?

Purplelemon7

"Can that be undone or do these things become so ingrained that they can never be changed?"

It's a good question and the only way you will find out is by asking him tbh. I think if you're over-indulged as a child its probably going to be harder because he has a mental "template" that suggests he needs to be indulged. I guess the question for you is how far you are prepared to go in challenging him? It could be quite a long road and involve a bit of friction as he won't like it.

If you value your marriage and want to remain in it (and it sounds as if you do) then maybe its worth the investment.

He is actually putting you down all the time when he is praising your dcs. Just because it’s always about him and never about you.
Your dcs will hear what everyone else hear: that daddy is great but mummy is worth nothing, not even worth mentioning or talking about.

And btw, saying how proud you are about your achievement isn’t boasting. Boasting is about making a huge fuss, much bigger than needed about what you have done .
If what he is doing at work is worth the fuss about how great he is, then whatever you are dug is ALSO worth making a fuss about how great you are. (Remember thé fact you and him have had very similar levels of promotions....)
So either you are boasting and he is too and has no reason to go on and on about how great he is.
Or he is right to be mentioning how great he is because he IS great at many things. And that means you are ALSO amazing at wht you do and deserve the same level of attention and recognition.
Which one is it?

Btw I disagree he doesn’t know that boasting isn’t socially acceptable. He does know because when he is in company, he is toning it down.

@thepeopleversuswork Thank you. I do value my marriage and there are children to think off. I don’t like the idea of changing someone but then this is really not a good trait even if it is who he is so it probably isn’t a bad thing for me to challenge him on it. I think I need to get my head around that and he will need to as well.

When I was promoted I would tell him and say that I felt happy but that’s it really. Anything more than that would feel embarrassing to me. My parents would praise us when we did well at school “well done, that’s amazing!” but other than that were never told that we were special, intelligent, beautiful etc. My parents also never praised themselves but did always have nice things to say about other people. My mother for example is a fantastic cook but whenever anyone tells her that she will find something she’s not happy with in what she’s made. She will always go on about how great other people’s food is. My mother in law on the other hand who is a pretty average cook will tell the whole world and their dog if anyone says anything good about her food. We were brought up so differently! I don’t know if my own upbringing was ‘normal’ or maybe it was just the other extreme!

Start calling him Donald, buy him a MAGA red cap and shout “fake news” at opportune moments.

Also - the reason this seems to upset you is that he doesn’t say nice things about you. But I wondered why you need that external validation? Do you feel like you are lacking in confidence a bit?

Purplelemon7

For background, my dad is a bit like this: he was very indulged as a child. I wouldn't say he's conceited but he's incredibly self-centred and is incapable of putting other people's feelings before his own. He also has no filter and can't read a room and just can't tell when people are bored or irritated or upset by what he says.

For what its worth I always wished my mum -- who was quite a meek soul - had stood up to him a bit more when we were younger because I think she validated his behaviour and made it harder for my siblings and I to challenge it. She has passed away and I don't hold back with him but I feel if she'd done the groundwork before he would understand that its not just me.

I would just be ruthless with yourself in assessing whether you think he really will change. Yes there are children to think of and that's not nothing but that also doesn't confer upon you an obligation to stay with someone forever if they ride roughshod over your emotional needs. I'm not going to advocate leaving him if you're not ready to but children can thrive with happily separated parents and this isn't a prison sentence. Ultimately its your life and you aren't obliged to spend the rest of it with someone who doesn't care about your needs.

I would start by bringing it up with him: frame it from the standpoint of how it makes you feel rather than accusing him. And assess his response. It may be that no-one has ever really pointed this out to him and it may be an eye-opener.

But you seem to have internalised the idea that his needs take precedence over yours (and, by extension, your children's). I would suggest to you that someone who refuses to meet your needs doesn't have the right do remain in a marriage with you forever.

Also, be aware that if he has this effect on you he probably will on your children too. And you need to put their needs ahead of his.

@TonMoulin I’ve wondered about that but I don’t think he’s toning it down. He just doesn’t spend as much time with other people as he does me so I think the opportunities to do it are less frequent and so it doesn’t seem as bad. His best friend who he spent a lot of time around in his teens jokes about how he’s totally in love with himself so he’s obviously aware of it because he’s spent a lot of time around him.

@thepeopleversuswork When I have raised it with him he acknowledges that he was over indulged and had an over inflated ego. He doesn’t see it as a problem any more. He has improved over the years but it’s still very much there. I think he believes I need to just accept him as he is (“This is just the person that you fell in love with”). I have also tried framing it in terms of my needs and he will try for a day or two to be extra nice but then he forgets it can’t be bothered and we are back to square one.