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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

conceited and judgemental DH

126 replies

Purplelemon7 · 11/11/2020 22:15

I would love to hear from anyone who is with a person who is quite judgemental and conceited.

My DH has lots of nice qualities but this is his biggest flaw. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people. It’s a family trait as his mother and his siblings all hold themselves in exceptionally high regard. It effects our relationship because I worry that he’s judging me and doesn’t think much of me. He rarely ever compliments me but does compliment himself a fair bit. He does have a lot going for him so it’s not unjustified but it is strange. I didn’t really pick up on it in the early days because when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me. As time goes on though he’s stopped doing that and it’s starting to really getting to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 12/11/2020 08:03

' He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people.' = wanker

I agree.

I don't agree it comes from insecurity. Its possible but those I've known to do this are overwhelmingly convinced of their own righteousness.

What happens when you echo his comments back to him? Or point out to him that he has already told you a dozen times that week how fantastic he is? Or if you start taking the piss out of him for doing it?

Or possibly tell him to sit down to hear your own important news and bore the pant off him with your own achievements?

Does it not get in the way of friendships?

Aparttogether · 12/11/2020 08:17

Hmm I don’t think it’s insecurity either. Some people really think they are the bees knees and never experience any self-doubt. Often as in your husband’s case, it’s a family trait. It’s a complete lack of self-awareness and as you say in your op, conceited and judgemental.

Nessashanessa · 12/11/2020 08:19

@monkeymonkey2010

He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people and yet you married him...... when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me - but you didn't care how he treated other though - and now karma's biting you on your arse.

How about getting some standards and dumping him?

@monkeymonkey2010 Congratulations you've won the race today. You've successfully made the first vicious, spiteful comment. I'm sure that your cohorts will be right behind you, all fighting to make the most cruel comment, However you've WON today.

HeadNorth · 12/11/2020 08:23

I recognise the family trait. My mum is like this, so was my nan and my sister is too. I think I was, until I recognised it for what it is and made a conscious decision not to behave like that.

It is obviously deeply engrained with my mum (she is in her 70s) but she is fundamentally a decent person. So I ignore when she acts superior to others and always make a point of being positive and nice about other people when she finds ways to put them down.

But then, I am not married to my mum - it must be tough to live with every day. Have you tried having a conversation when you explain everyone is on their own journey and it is kinder to recognise that, rather than seize opportunities to big yourself up? If he is basically decent, it may get through.

BreatheAndFocus · 12/11/2020 08:43

He sounds very self-obsessed, constantly curating and promoting his own image. What do you say when he makes an “aren’t I great?” announcement? Would he stop if you made a polite, non-committal “Mmm”? and carried on watching TV or whatever you’re doing?

I think the ‘putting people down’ bit is insecurity and habit. He probably learnt that from his family - to always make a negative comment about people.

As for not giving you compliments, see my first paragraph. His head is full of himself and his own image.

Whatamesssss · 12/11/2020 08:47

Get him to watch that episode in Friends (The One with Ross's Tan) with the woman (Jennifer Coolidge) who is always boasting about herself. Point out how other people don't like her.

I also agree it is about insecurity.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/11/2020 08:49

So what is he like when you’re out with friends ... I’m picturing you having dinner with another couple and him spouting off about his achievements ... cringe

Cam77 · 12/11/2020 08:55

It might be about insecurity, but that kind of thing is a damn hard trait to change. The question you should ask is not "can he change?" but "do we love (and respect) each other enough to build a future together if he doesn't change - if this is just how he is". The 2nd scenario being more likely than the 1st.

WankPuffins · 12/11/2020 08:58

This was my ex husband to a tee.

He always looked down on me and so did his family as I wasn’t educated (left school to work at 16), while they all went to Cambridge. Looked down on me for staying at home to raise our son.

When we divorced it all came out in spades. He’s been such a prick for years. He used to take great joy in telling me I was only qualified to clean toilets and loved to sneer at the crap rented places I’ve ended up in.

Horrible, horrible person.

Luckily my Ds is 18 now and has seen through it.

WankPuffins · 12/11/2020 09:00

He also used to go on a and on about himself in company - but he was rich and well respected so they all wanted him to love them.

barbrahunter · 12/11/2020 09:06

I do think that sometimes this arrogance and putting others down comes from insecurity, but in other instances, some people honestly believe they're something a bit special. I agree with others who say that it will be very hard to get him to see what he's doing and then to get him to agree to change/modify some aspects of his behaviour. Only you can decide if you're prepared to put up with a lifetime of how he is, or to walk away, OP.

CorianderBlues · 12/11/2020 09:15

(Mumsnet mode)

He's clearly having an affair. Empty his bank account. Run away today.

You've got this Hun.

(Mumsnet mode off)

TurquoiseDragon · 12/11/2020 09:26

@Geppili

Read Five languages of love

I have, and it has a very limited application. The basic idea, that people express love in different ways, only works with decent people, and only to a limited extent. When you get to people who aren't decent, don't love anyone other than themselves, etc, it falls down totally.

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 12/11/2020 09:29

I really don’t think it insecurity. I think @C8H10N4O2 and @Aparttogether are right.

I have a colleague who brags a lot but it’s very obvious to me that it’s insecurity and need for validation that’s driving it in his case. With my husband it’s because his mother was constantly massaging his ego, taught him that they were superior to others and (to be fair to him) he does have a lot going for him that backs up his superior feelings.

I don’t think he does it anywhere near as much with other people as he does with me. Sometimes he says things in company which to me seem a bit superior or braggy and make me cringe but it tends to be more subtle and less frequent because he’s obviously spending more time with me than with friends. His best friend jokes about him being in love with himself/his reflection so he obviously knows.

I think he has got better with time. In his 20s he was exceptionally vain and arrogant but I think getting older and putting on a bit of weight has affected that. It doesn’t stop him from telling me every time he gets a message on social media telling me how good looking he is!

I think I could tolerate it if he complimented me. When I do ask I just get really generic, hollow, passionless comments which it’s obvious he’s just saying because he feels he has to.

OP posts:

MzHz · 12/11/2020 09:30

How old are you both? Have kids? How long have you been married?

MzHz · 12/11/2020 09:32

@CorianderBlues

(Mumsnet mode)

He's clearly having an affair. Empty his bank account. Run away today.

You've got this Hun.

(Mumsnet mode off)

Hun?

How very dare you... that’s not MN at all!!!

MzHz · 12/11/2020 09:33

Also @Purplelemon7 have you looked up info on narcissists?

Couple of things you said ring a bell there

dottiedodah · 12/11/2020 09:47

I think this is a worrying trait TBH. He sounds a long way up his own arse (Can he see any daylight at all I wonder?) Do you have DC? They will be influenced by this as well .Maybe think about your future ,he will probably get worse as he gets older!

MoonJelly · 12/11/2020 09:51

I'd have to take the piss every time with something like "and so modest, too" every time he praises himself. Whenever he quoted something saying how good-looking he is, I'd be saying something like "X hasn't seen you first thing in the morning" or "Goodness, I didn't know X was so superficial".

RandomMess · 12/11/2020 09:55

I would actually do a fewer things.

If he puts other people down (including you) I would respond something like "but at least I/x am/is kind and like to build others up rather than be unpleasant and judgemental"

When his in bragging etc "you may be good at x but you are missing any sense of modesty"

He needs it pointed out just how much he does these things in your company it's so ingrained in him he's in auto pilot!

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 12/11/2020 10:01

He never puts me down. He basically just ignores anything about me unless he’s forced to e.g. we have a row and I tell him I’m unhappy then for a few days he will say nice things eg you’re a good mum, you look nice,

I’m very conscious that I have to teach my kids to love themselves but be humble and look for the good in others.

I looked at Narcissim but this is the only trait that he has that suggests narcissm. He isn’t controlling, doesn’t think he’s always right, he’s very caring and affectionate etc.

Our love languages are different. I think his arrogance is preventing him from speaking my love language, that’s why I was wondering if there’s anything that can be done about it.

OP posts:

Goldencurtain · 12/11/2020 10:04

@LouiseTrees

Have a discussion with him next time he compliments himself and see “ I see, I’m not good enough for you. You never compliment me like that these days” and see what he says

That's a bit passive aggressive and childish

RandomMess · 12/11/2020 10:05

Do you work?

You do seem to be wanting a lot of validation from him which could be making the dynamic worse?

If he has success at work you should remind him there and then that without your support of doing x y z he wouldn't be where he is now with having a wife and family as well...

It actually sounds like you feel very taken for granted and actually the likelihood is that you are!

CheetasOnFajitas · 12/11/2020 10:10

It doesn’t stop him from telling me every time he gets a message on social media telling me how good looking he is!

What? He’s a grown man. Who is sending him these messages and why?

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 12/11/2020 10:11

I do work (currently on mat leave) and I’ve been on par with him in terms of promotions/income up until his most recent promotion. I just don’t make a huge deal of it.

OP posts:

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