conceited and judgemental DH

[Purplelemon7]

I would love to hear from anyone who is with a person who is quite judgemental and conceited.

My DH has lots of nice qualities but this is his biggest flaw. He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people. It’s a family trait as his mother and his siblings all hold themselves in exceptionally high regard. It effects our relationship because I worry that he’s judging me and doesn’t think much of me. He rarely ever compliments me but does compliment himself a fair bit. He does have a lot going for him so it’s not unjustified but it is strange. I didn’t really pick up on it in the early days because when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me. As time goes on though he’s stopped doing that and it’s starting to really getting to me.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?

@Purplelemon7

When I was promoted I would tell him and say that I felt happy but that’s it really. Anything more than that would feel embarrassing to me. My parents would praise us when we did well at school “well done, that’s amazing!” but other than that were never told that we were special, intelligent, beautiful etc. My parents also never praised themselves but did always have nice things to say about other people. My mother for example is a fantastic cook but whenever anyone tells her that she will find something she’s not happy with in what she’s made. She will always go on about how great other people’s food is. My mother in law on the other hand who is a pretty average cook will tell the whole world and their dog if anyone says anything good about her food. We were brought up so differently! I don’t know if my own upbringing was ‘normal’ or maybe it was just the other extreme!

It sounds like your upbringing was UK normal but not perhaps for the rest of the world.

Yes I've dated a couple of men like this but the relationships never went past a certain point for this very reason. It's one trait I really dislike and cannot get past. Well done for putting up with it for so long.

@Purplelemon7

I haven’t called him out because I guess I don’t like raining on his parade. For example this evening he was telling me about all the progress he’s making in his career and how remarkable it is for someone his age. That’s true, but I think most people wouldn’t make that evaluation about themselves or if they did they would feel to embarrassed to say it. It should really be me saying that he’s done so well, but I don’t really do that any more because I think he’s already too big headed. A lot of his boasting is about conveying what other people have said about him. He would probably think there’s nothing wrong with telling me about all the compliments he gets and would ask why he should hide that from me...

Oh God. Been there, listened to that. I find it utterly embarrassing when a man blows his own trumpet in this way. I think this sort of behaviour must come from insecurity. Secure people don't feel the need to go on about how great they are.

Purplelemon7

My sympathies: its difficult when people are wired to be this selfish.

Have you tried framing it in terms of the children and its impact on them?

Ultimately I think its a choice as to whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is that egotistical. There's no easy answer to this.

That boast about people complimenting his looks as a baby is so awful: cringe!

Why does he have public social media settings and a large social media following? Is this part of his work, or just yet more ego?

Do you have the kind of relationship where you tease each other? If I was constantly boasting I'd be laughingly told to watch my head can fit through the door, and I'd also laugh it off. I wonder if using a bit of humour to gently tease him about it might help. "Oh yes, wonderful you!' etc etc. It might not stop him but at least your kids will see him being called out on it.

I don't understand how he can announce someone on social media told him he's good looking without a twinge of embarrassment!

@monkeymonkey2010

He rarely has anything nice to say about anyone and is always looking down on other people and yet you married him...... when he was courting he was obviously saying a lot of very nice things to me - but you didn't care how he treated other though - and now karma's biting you on your arse.

How about getting some standards and dumping him?

Bloody hell. Stand down.

There is no need for that "you made your bed now lie in it "bullshit.

@thepeopleversuswork I think he sees it as self confidence and to him that is a very important trait for the children to have as that’s what he puts a lot of his success down do. Whilst he acknowledges that he was over indulged I am not sure that he necessarily sees it as a bad thing.

Although I have raised it with him I do question whether I’m right to feel what I do. As I said the boasts are fairly subtle and he never boasts for the sake of boasting... there’s always a wider point or a story that he’s telling me, the boasts just happen to be part of it. I sometimes feel like he will just think I’m making a big deal out of nothing?

We tend to be drawn to people who either supply something we feel we lack on some level, or who complement us in some way ie have a characteristic that works to serve a characteristic of ours. Your family withheld praise to some degree - you’d to ‘earn’ it - his apparently squandered it. It’s worth saying that over-indulging a child is a type of neglect. Usually that parental attention only comes if the child fits an ideal that has been pre-decided. It’s a condition of worth. It does encourage the kind of behaviour your DH displays.

Only you can decide what’s next. I don’t know how old you are, but we do grow and evolve in what we want from life and relationships as we move from our 20s to our 30s. It may be that what fitted for you a decade ago no longer works now.

Which is not a ‘LTB’ just an observation that this discomfort may signal a deeper change in you.

I wonder if it comes from a place of insecurity. Having t9 big himself up all the time can be exhausting, but serve a purpose to bolster his self confidence. Being rather self obsessed may mean his focus is very narrow and he forgets about you?

@Craftycorvid You’re right. I feel like I’ve really outgrown this. I guess I’ve matured and I find it more difficult to tolerate. When we were younger and he would say such and such is stupid for not knowing x it would grate me but I would tell him that there are many things he doesn’t know and that person may have other qualities that are more superior to intelligence. I hope that’s had some part to play in the fact that he doesn’t do that as much as he used to. What I’m stuck on now is how he makes me feel in our relationship.

@goldenharvest Yes I think he doesn’t have any space in his head for thinking much of me because his head is so filled with himself. That’s not to say he’s thoughtless and selfish. He does a lot for me in terms of helping our around the house/with the kids and small gestures but when it comes to praise that part of his mind is only reserved for himself.

My DH can be a bit like this but is nowhere near as bad as yours - it’s centred around our ‘indian shame’ culture similar to Jewish shame culture and centred around competition. He can neither take a compliment from others because the traditional Indian compliment is only ever backhanded, nor give one because then it’s a negative reflection on yourself. So he basically compliments himself and has a tendancy to look for faults in others to make himself feel better.

Remindjng him we’re not in India and thet he sounds like an ass keeps him in check. But it seems like your DH is a bit beyond this.

@GrumpyHoonMain That’s interesting. My husband is also from a South Asian background. I wonder if he sees giving a compliment as diminishing himself. I didn’t ever think of it like that. My husband can definitely take a compliment though!

@GrumpyHoonMain In terms of culture mu husband has said that it plays a part in it in how he is as men often have their egos massaged by their mothers.

You described my ex to the letter...note the fact he is an ex! I ended up a shell of myself after 8.5 years...selfish self-centre prick...yes, in the beginning he was very complimentary...in the end, no matter how lovely I looked, it felt like he just didn't care.. I even said to him once, "you don't compliment me anymore" his response "you don't compliment me" WTF?

also like your ex, he used to make nasty comments about people ..just ordinary people going about their business "oh look at the state of him/her".... I told my counsellor (I had cancer and was heading for a breakdown after my treatment ended, ex was fucking useless throughout that period of my life too) about it and he said, its generally people with low self-esteem that behave like this...makes sense really that some people have to point out the flaws of others to make themselves feel better and don't want to compliment others because they simply can't because of how inferior they feel...

Get rid of him, he will never change...

You can look at he makes you feel in the relationship in two ways (not mutually exclusive!)

• he is boasting (albeit in a subtle or no so subtle way) which makes you feel crap because he doesn’t do you the same favour. Which means he needs to somehow change and realise that supporting you and giving you compliment is important too.

• the issue is more about your self confidence. I’ve noticed you are finding lots of reasons why it’s fair for him to say he is just great and amazing but somehow can’t find anything to say about yourself. This is different from boasting but a quiet confidence that you are doing good things (or even great things) too. I am sure you are doing so btw (see the promotions at work for example).

YOu can change point 2 because it’s all about you and how you see yourself. As women we are often socialised to do play our achievements and play small. And it certainly comes out as ‘not been that good really’ type of feeling/attitude.
Point 1 is harder because it’s about him changing. I’m wondering if you could change the focus away from you and towards the relationship itself. I don’t think it’s possible to sustain a relationship long term if you are not feeling valued. So you could phrase it as nurturing your marriage (which I assume he values) and taling about how important it is to end back how good people are etc.. as a way to support the relationship??

@TonMoulin Yes maybe I should try to focus on the relationship rather than making it about my own needs. I haven’t yet tried framing it like that.

With my own self confidence I think I feel pretty happy with myself but I do question the things o think about myself because he doesn’t seem to notice those things or make a fuss about them in the same way that he would about himself. I probably need to accept that’s to do with how he is a person rather than an indication that there’s something wrong with me. That’s hard!

[quote Purplelemon7]@GrumpyHoonMain In terms of culture mu husband has said that it plays a part in it in how he is as men often have their egos massaged by their mothers.[/quote]
Yes this is unfortunately true. Male suicide is so common in India that parents, particularly mothers who tend to get the blame for a child’s poor decisions, are often too scared to parent their sons properly.

Ok so there are children. I would start a dinnertime habit of everyone saying something kind about someone else, as a start. It’s really unattractive and please don’t take any shit about you married me now accept it. I married a spoilt young man who couldn’t cook or clean but I didn’t accept that because he didn’t marry me so I could be a household slave. He married you presumably because he thought some nice things about you so you aren’t asking him to change you’re asking him to occasionally say those things out loud. Not rocket science. Ask him do you think I would have married you if you had nothing nice to say about me? You’re not a complete idiot, you knew I wouldn’t because no one would. Now you seem to think I should feel valued with no validation or support from you. I could just tell myself and everyone how awesome I am all the time the way you do but that is unbelievably unattractive and I’m working hard to make sure our children don’t pick that up from you.

I’d be really hurt if he didn’t think any of our children’s nice qualities came from me. They are a genetic mix of the two of us. Perhaps he doesn’t get dinner Saturdays for the next month until he’s said something about how a positive quality in his children comes from you. Marriage homework.

@timeisnotaline Yes you’re right. I’m simply asking him to say those things if he really does feel them.

If I did what you are suggesting about homework I don’t think he would find it hard. When I’m upset like a robot he can churn out a list of things that he likes about me so he can do it on command he just can’t make a spontaneous thoughtful comment because day to day his head is too full of himself.

Apologies if someone has already asked the obvious question, but is your husband Daddy Pig?

Haha we don’t watch much kids tv so I don’t really get the reference I’m afraid! Should I make DH watch peppa pig? :D