To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

I assumed most parents or guardians would discourage hitting.
I was pretty shocked while at a party this topic came up and most of the parents all agreed with the hit back harder.
I felt really torn........all my childs life Ive told him to walk away and ask a teacher for help. I have this other dynamic that I am raising a boy. I want him to have respect and to never raise his hand to any girl.
But while the girls own mother is stood there telling me she tells her daughter to hit I felt so confused as to what my message should be to my son.
My son does go to karate and has done for a few years so has a good idea how to defend himself. Hopefully if someone throws a punch he may be able to block it and use his knowledge to stop himself getting hurt.

@PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma

No idea what the back story is here, but on the face of it, I would - and did - tell my DC that there was no reason to hit anyone, however vile they were. There are other and more effective ways to deal with problems. I have quite often wished to strangle children who have been vile to my DC over the years, but have always had to remember that children are children, and mostly grow up to be ok adults who don't thwack other people.

I hit a fair few people back at school, if they hit me first. I’ve never started a fight, it would always be if someone hit me first, i hit them back harder. I’ve never hit anyone as an adult. I most definitely would in self defence but just because you’re taught to stand up for yourself as a child, doesn’t mean you’re going to go round punching people as an adult

Never start a fight, but always aim to end it.

Staff aren't there, do nothing, or its after the fact.

Give them some hard words and tell to stop, after that give it back.

Would never punish my child if the other kid was asking for it.

I’ve been getting this all wrong then! I’ve never told this to DD - although no one used to hit her - and haven’t told it to DS either.

I always said / say tell the teacher.

It's clearly not black and white. Martial arts are good at teaching a disciplined approach to self defence. Your ex would approve!

Tell the teacher only works if the teacher will actually do something.

Wow. I am shocked by this thread. the world is violent enough. Yanbu OP.

What happened to turn the other cheek? Or tell a teacher?

Hitting back isn't, technically, self-defence.

There are several blocking techniques that are easy to learn and to teach, that can have the desired and same result. These would be counted as self defence, should anyone want to argue the point.

When I teach children self-defence, my first instruction is always to 'get away', if possible. But this isn't always possible, and rarely stops a bully. After that, a couple of blocking techniques, used with force if necessary, are what I advise. If that doesn't work it boils down to: Never start a fight, but always finish it.

Sometimes, just 'stepping up' to a bully is enough. Bullies, by their very nature, are cowards, and pick on those they perceive to be weaker than themselves. But children should absolutely know that they can fight back, if it's needed.

Would you tell your older child to hit back a much younger sibling? Obviously you as the parent have to deal with the sibling and give them consequences, but would you let the older one hit back?

I told my daughter this but she never hits back, she tells her teacher. I wish she would do it sometimes as its always the same people she has issues with. I think if she stuck up for herself and hit back it wouldn't go on as much.

@mayflowerapplepie

Trouble is if your child hits back it is a fight. They will both get in trouble and nothing is likely to change. Your child doesn’t retaliate and immediately tells someone (preferably with a witness) and it is an assault and the bully will get in more trouble. Assuming it is an even semi decent school

True but even if there is a fight, even if your child gets in trouble, even if the bully wins the fight, sometimes this will end it. Bully knows that his victim will hit back and escalate it to a fight and may think twice in future. Sometimes a fight is worth it.

Inward also going to say that strictly hitting back is retaliation not self defence. It’s only self defence if it’s the only way to stop them hitting you again.

I completely agree with your ex on this. Someone starts the fight, you finish it. It will make them think twice about starting on your son again.
I have told my daughter this, and have said I will back her up if the school complain about her standing up for herself.
Teachers will not do anything about it.

Thats the thing though, the majority of teachers / schools do nothing !

I'm still worried about the disabled kid. It sounds like he/she is definitely going to be bullied.

What happened to turn the other cheek? What the fuck are you on about...turn the other cheek? What pathetic sort of stance is that?

Don’t worry that you’re being abused and humiliated daily son...you just turn the other cheek.

Good grief.

[quote Fluffytheevil1]@EstoPerpetua

Hardly a bragging competition though is it? Just teaching children to defend themselves and nip potential bullying in the bud [/quote]
No, it isn't nipping anything in the bud.

It's teaching children that if someone hits you, you hit them back. And in turn, they will hit someone, who will hit them back harder.

We are completely screwed if the responses on here are a reflection of real parents in real life.

I am glad, though, that I have never met anyone in 18 years of having children at several different schools who thought like this, or who would have sat back and allowed their own child to bully or hurt another child in the first place. This includes having had children at boarding schools, where the message is, fortunately, not the one I'm hearing on here - either in theory or in practice.

Now I know where I went wrong after suffering years of abuse - should have hit him?

Surely there is some sensible middle ground between telling them to hit back harder, or just stand there and take it. Retaliation is a completely different thing to self defence. If someone follows the advice to hit back harder as an adult they are likely to end up getting arrested.

I had it drummed into me as a child to never hit back, to tell a teacher, to ignore bullies and that they would get bored if they didnt get a reaction.
I did as I was told and was bullied mercilessly all through school.
One day I snapped and punched my bully in the face, knocking him on his arse. The bullying stopped immediately.
The bullying I went through at school still effects me 20 years later. I think I would have had an easier life if I'd been taught from the start that it was okay to defend myself. I would teach any child of mine to never instigate violence, but if someone hits them, hit back hard and aim for the nose.

@Rollingdragon Yes I agree. Self-defence is not the same as hitting back harder.

@crazycatgal

I'm a teacher and would tell my own child to hit back.

The children who hit and kick others never do it to the children who would give them a thump back.

Nailed it. The bullies then move on to a weaker child that has been advised to 'walk away' or 'turn the other cheek' and continue to bully them for years.

This is sadly what happens, not right, but my kids never suffered at the hands of bullies

Your ex is spot on

@crazycatgal What would you tell your students?