To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

@Wearywithteens

“Fuck me, this thread. shock No wonder the world is in the state it is.”

Most of the shit going on in the world is because bullies are allowed to do what they like without adequate retaliation.

Absolutely bang on.

I grew up with 'be the bigger person', 'dont lower your self, just ignore them, they are not worth it'. WORST FUCKING ADVICE. i agree with your ex 100%.

None of this is black and white. Kids have instincts too, they'll have tried or will get away. My brother used to tell teachers etc, he has aspergers and the odd time was pushed or tripped by a group of boys. One time after he was knocked down he jumped up and punched the boy. Honestly nobody bothered him again. It's sad and it's tough and it's never a first course of action but telling him your ex was totally wrong and never ever hit could lead to him being too indecisive too but look, hopefully there'll not be a need. Ps a friend of mine always lived by the never lay a finger on a girl thing and was beaten to a pulp by two girls. Had he tried to defend himself he would probably at least have less injuries

I agree with his dad.

Not surprised to hear you’re a teacher.

Teaching violence is not going to make the world a less violent place.

‘Just ignore them’

This advice is often pedalled out and it’s shite, utter shite. They don’t care if you ignore them, they just keep coming back.

I agree with your ex too.

My brother was constantly picked on in school and it only stopped when he hit the bully much harder than he was being hit. He hadn't retaliated at all before as he was bigger than the bully and didn't want to fight but one day it got too much and he struck back. He got into a load of trouble at school for fighting (as did the bully) but my DPs fully supported him. No one ever bothered him again in school and he grew into a kind gentle man.

@pictish

‘Just ignore them’

This advice is often pedalled out and it’s shite, utter shite. They don’t care if you ignore them, they just keep coming back.

Absolutely this. This was our experience.

DS has a reputation of being a hard tackler when playing rugby. No one messes with him now. As a youngster he was reluctant to retaliate, he doesn’t need to now.
He has also done a bit of boxing which like rugby teaches them to control their aggression. His mantra is never to throw the first punch but after receiving one the gloves are off!

I would be annoyed if my DS hit/kicked another child first.

But I wouldn’t be annoyed if he done it in self defence if the other child lashed out first.

Exactly Table

I'm totally with you OP and quite amazed by all the hit back harder responses. We never even thought to suggest hitting - even in retaliation - as a solution! They might start using the logic with their own siblings inside our family and we were always crystal clear - no violence, ever, against anyone, inside our outside the family. When DS was hit at school we reported it, ultimately to the head who dealt brilliantly. I would have died if DH had advised hitting the little shit back!

You don’t want your kid to get bullied

@EstoPerpetua

Hardly a bragging competition though is it? Just teaching children to defend themselves and nip potential bullying in the bud

My OH taught our children this and how to defend themselves. The notorious school bully picked on and hit our son, our son defended himself very well indeed, bully never bothered my kids again.

I also agree with your ex

Diffuse if you can, run away if that is the safest option (e.g. your attacker is a lot bigger and tougher than you) but yes, defend yourself if you need to. I am not a pacifist. It would be wrong to pretend I was.

And yes, report, of course, because bullies need to know it is wrong to pick on others.

I think it depends on the school. My school was the sort of place where you would have had the shit beaten on out of you on the way home if you'd have run off to a teacher and told on the tough kids. You're only option was to fight back or let the bullying continue.

I'm sure there are schools out there where if a child hits another child then the teacher will take it seriously and deal with it effectively.

I've always told mine that the 1st time someone hits them, they ask them to stop and tell them it's not very nice, 2nd time they tell a teacher and if it happens again they have my backing to hit them back, just the once but to make sure it's hard enough for them not to do it to them again. That way if I'm called in I can completely back my child up. I've never been called in!!

It’s a big problem for children who are naturally on the tall side. They are frequently on the receiving end of physical bullying by the small children who know full well the big kid will always get the blame because they”shouldn’t throw their weight around” despite being provoked. “Don’t be rough” , “pick on someone your own size” are just a few of the comments frequently rolled out. Often they end up being gentle giants because they learn that they frequently get the blame.

When being attacked, you have two options whether you're a child or adult.

1. Be a victim
2. Dont be victim.

Your ex is spot on

@Whammyyammy

When being attacked, you have two options whether you're a child or adult.

1. Be a victim
2. Dont be victim.

Your ex is spot on

This

The thing is no kid ever thinks ‘actually I started that’. It’s always the other kids fault. Encouraging a kid to hit back and harder is a green light for some nasty behaviour.
I hope my kids don’t go to school with most of the kids on here.

Teachers can't be everywhere. DS knows that i will have his back with school if someone hits/ attacks him and he needs to defend himself.

I agree with your Ex!

Your son must defend himself, otherwise he will be bullied !