To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

OMG I have always told mine that there is never an excuse for physical violence.

Seems like I have done them a disservice.

Ooops

He absolutely should defend himself otherwise he'll be targeted by bullies

Team x

Reminds me of this wonderful scene

I think I would have had an easier life if I'd been taught from the start that it was okay to defend myself.

This is what I believe. 'Turning the other cheek' (ffs) only teaches a child that other people can bully them, hit them, bite/scratch/whatever them to their heart's content. Standing up for yourself gives you a strong sense of self. It carries on through adulthood and helps you set your boundaries.

Defending yourself isn't 'violence, and it's a weak excuse. You are not teaching your child to be a violent bully, you are teaching them boundaries.

Obviously if you can't tell the difference yourself, and are therefore unable to pass that message effectively to your child, then by all means keep telling them to tell a teacher or turn the other cheek.

@Nicknamegoeshere

Now I know where I went wrong after suffering years of abuse - should have hit him?

There's a difference between an intimate relationship and kids bullying other kids.

Intimate relationship violence or abuse is nearly always hidden, you have to live with the person....within the relationship the abuse is being driven by extreme emotions to do with jealousy, possessiveness and an extreme desire to control...making them dangerous and volatile....and then you have to keep living with them....

Clicked submit too soon.

I would advise kids to hit back, because it is more likely to be effective than telling an adult.

In the case of domestic abuse I would give the opposite advice, tell people, get support and leave.

OP, I really feel sorry for your son. Your attitude is at best naïve and worse can cause your poor DS untold misery. Going to tell an adult in the real-world frequently results in the child, especially if a boy getting the crap kicked out of them even more. Kids seldom get attacked by other children in plain view of adults or with any back-up nearby. You can virtue signal all you like but your child deserves someone that actually places his physical and emotional wellbeing above some ineffective platitudes.

OP my children do not believe that it is ok to resort to hitting people.

They have healthy boundaries and are able to maintain them without being hit. They aren't wallflowers, scared of others.

They just don't sink to their bully's level.

I was always taught to fight back in self defence by my dad.. i have never ever been in a fight in my life but when i was 12 a girl punched me in the face for no reason.... i punched her back, she ran off and never did it again! Lol

You know what - my DS was bullied throughout primary to the extent that he changed schools, the new school was much better and he had no issues. Went to high school and the bullies from his first primary were also there and took delight in torturing him. Teachers didn't give a rats ass because they never saw the incidents and nobody would back DS up. One day he snapped after having his glasses taken off him and his school bag thrown in the bin, and was being pushed around. He squared up to the biggest one, punched him and broke his nose. Two days of being excluded was worth it because nobody ever touched him again. There is being the bigger person then there is being a punchbag. I am with your ex.

@EstoPerpetua

Right, so if the child is going to hit in the first place there should be no retaliation from the person they hit? That makes the person being hit a victim.
if You hit someone expect it back harder. If you can’t take it you don’t deal it.

I’m glad you’ve lived in your lovely bubble where parents can watch their children’s every move that’s not everyone’s reality though.

Well, I don't think this went the way op thought it would! I agree with @Shodan, boundaries need to be established or you're in for a world of bullying /distress

Was brought up that if someone hits you you hit them back. Bringing up my kids the same.

I'd agree with what others have said. The kids who are bullied are the ones who don't hit back. With the best will in the world teachers don't have the time or the ability to deal with bullying. How many threads do you see on here about kids being bullied and the school doing effectively nothing?

I'd never advise throwing the first punch and a one off requires telling a teacher but persistent offenders should be hit back. I'm not setting my child up as a punching bag by insisting they follow rules that the school fail to enforce for their more violent cohorts.

Junior school, 1983. I was bullied mercilessly by one girl. My parents complained etc, only actually made things worse.

One morning my nan, who was very much no nonsense, walked me to school. I must have hesitated because she said "you know what, if she hits you, hit her back and she'll leave you alone".

Lunch break came, she immediately marched outside and shoved me on my arse. I was up quicker than a flash and punched her straight in the mouth. I split her lip, was sent to the wall by a dinner lady and the girl never bothered me again.

I remember that day very clearly. I told my kids the same and in turn I'll tell my grandkids the same. If they start it. Finish it.

I agree with your ex. Don’t start a fight, but definitely hit back twice as hard.

Speaking to a member of staff? He will be bullied forever more.

I kind of agree with your ex. I would add some nuance to it, mind you, and a kid that can't think about that or has a short fuse, or would go too far, I might say something different to.

But IME it's often a lot more straightforward, effective, and in a way better for both kids to take care of it at the lowest level. If a kid acts like a jerk, the other kids stop wanting to hang out with him and he learns not to be a jerk, is way more effective than parents and teachers getting involved and giving him a talk about being kind, or social niceties, or making him do chores. And probably less annoying to the kid, even short term.

This is a similar sort of scenario.

Yep - I’m with “hit them back. Harder than they hit you”.

Obviously you don’t throw first punch, and of course you try not to get hit in first place.

@Wynston

I assumed most parents or guardians would discourage hitting. I was pretty shocked while at a party this topic came up and most of the parents all agreed with the hit back harder. I felt really torn........all my childs life Ive told him to walk away and ask a teacher for help. I have this other dynamic that I am raising a boy. I want him to have respect and to never raise his hand to any girl. But while the girls own mother is stood there telling me she tells her daughter to hit I felt so confused as to what my message should be to my son. My son does go to karate and has done for a few years so has a good idea how to defend himself. Hopefully if someone throws a punch he may be able to block it and use his knowledge to stop himself getting hurt.

I feel a bit odd about the hitting a girl thing too. In the end I told my son, when he was 10, that he just shouldn't. My sister was horrified, but he is a strong boy and knows how to box, and soon enough would be hitting puberty.

I put it in the context of it not being ever a good thing to hit someone who was likely not nearly as strong as you were, and that after puberty he was just likely to be stronger than most girls.

@Krampusasbabysitter I make no apologies for raising my son not to be physically violent. Or my daughter for that matter. God forbid he should turn out like his father and grow up to become an abuser.

@im5050

I’ve always said that if someone is close enough for them to hit you then your close enough to hit them back . That they shouldn’t start a fight but they should always try to finish it It’s quite a turn around to read that practically all the parents saying that they have told their kids to fight back A few years ago this would have been unheard off 😂😂

I think you are right that people's thinking has changed on this. When my eldest was small, people talked about it differently.

The change IMO is because what people tried instead didn't actually work all that well.

Our world is one seriously screwed up place.

Surely the point isn’t that “don’t hit girls” so much as “don’t hit people”? If it’s a “hit back harder unless it’s a girl” that makes no sense - “hit back hard enough but don’t actually hospitalise them...”

I mean, it’s not OK for a mahoosive powerful lad to wallop a teensy weedy wee girl OR a teensy weedy wee boy. But it’s also unlikely that the bigger one couldn’t win out by holding the little one at arms length and making them look daft. The point is that it’s good to stick up for yourself when you need to, and that might include hitting the bully back.

See all this if someone hits u hit them back works if the person u are hitting isn't twice your size and twice as aggressive.....does it not just mean they are more likely to get into fights. U also need to know when to walk away......get some help. What about when u are 18 in a pub and a nutter picks a fight and rather than walk away call security u hit back.....its what has been instilled into your whole life. A fight starts his pal is a nutter too he has a knife.....it won't end well for u. I tell mine u are noones door mat. Distance yourself for people who are unkind. Be kind to everyone. If u are being attacked fight back if u can't get away and by fight back I mean grab anything u can put your fingers in eyes but only if they are on top of u and u can't get away.