What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

To be honest OP only you really know what you want. Some women stay home and regret it...some don't. Some woman NEED to go to work for whatever reason and well...some don't.
You know who you are and what YOU need. Only YOU know whether it's worth it for YOU. We can all give you advice Nd our experience but at the end of the day it really doesn't help...well, because, we are not you. But whatever you do just make sure you are doing it for YOU! Not anyone else...including baby! (Some might say that last bit about not doing it for baby is harsh but women can grow to resent their children too believe it or not.) so as I say...you just do you!

Can I please throw out there that those saying they want to ‘be a good example to their children’ that being a stay at home mum does not make you a bad example to your children. Everyone has preferences and it is ok to be whatever you want to be. Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

@Generalblah

Can I please throw out there that those saying they want to ‘be a good example to their children’ that being a stay at home mum does not make you a bad example to your children. Everyone has preferences and it is ok to be whatever you want to be. Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

It's not about saying that your career is more important than your children, though, it's about pushing back against the assumption that childrearing is "women's work"

Daddy goes to work and mummy stays home and looks after the children is not a dynamic i want my daughter internalising.

Also @generalblah my career IS important. it pays the mortgage.

What made me go back? Not wanting to be homeless

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

Such an insulting comment.

What made me go back? The exh

He thinks all stay at home mothers are ‘lazy’ and ‘after a free ride’. So he was very very sure that I had to go back to work. I really didn’t get a say Third time of maternity leave I didn’t even bother discussing it

Money, independence, it genuinely get's boring day after day with small children. Don't get me wrong I love the bones of them, but by god it was lovely have a hot cup of tea, talking to adults about none baby stuff and going to the toilet alone.

I'm glad I went back after each of mine. They are both a school now and I've not never worked. My company trust's and respects me, I've been with them since before my youngest was born. In fact they asked me to come back early with my first as my replacement was crap. I was temp before and this secured my job!

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first

So how does this work? Both parents should stay at home so the children know they come above careers? Where does the money come from?

Or do you mean “being a woman who puts their own career above their children”?

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first

Do you say that to men too? If not, then why not, and if so, how do you propose people pay the bills?

I never wanted to go back, but glad I'm did because a year after my last maternity leave finished my previously stable and adoring DH moved out.

If you want to, time home is lovely. But if you have a job where career progression or CV history is important, AND given that you've got a good part time basis (and that soon the childcare won't eat up all your salary), I'd be really really cautious about dropping it. We advertised a role this month that usually might have 20-30 applicants. We got HUNDREDS, many very qualified. Even when covid dies down, Brexit is coming. It's a really exposed time to be without a job.

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

How insulting @Generalblah...

I am 10 times a better mother than I was when I was at home. My mental health is WAY better! I have more time for my dc...I cherish my time more with them, I am present when I am with them. When I was home...I'm was on a count down to my dh coming home, I wished the day away! I was fed up...does that mean I don't love my dc? No of course not! But what I does mean is that I love me...I know what I need to be the best version of ME. This doesn't apply to every woman of course and I am aware of that.

I don't think any worse of sahm...if that's what is good for them then fantastic. If they need part time work?...fantastic. If a woman works full time? Fantastic... no mother should HAVE to put her children ahead of her wellbeing! And if her wellbeing means she likes to work then good for her!!

I didn't want to go back after both my maternity leaves but we didn't have a choice as we needed the money. It was without doubt the right idea. My children are 3 and 6 and we're in a routine and both my husband and I have adjusted our work patterns to maximise balance work and childcare.

I do work part time and when my youngest goes to school next year I'll get school hours 2 days a week to myself. That gives me the best of both worlds (and time to actually put laundry away!)

Can I please throw out there that those saying they want to ‘be a good example to their children’ that being a stay at home mum does not make you a bad example to your children.

I don’t think anyone has said it does make you a bad example to your children.

I’m also not even sure anyone’s said they want to set a ‘good’ example for their children vs a ‘bad’ example. I think they’ve just said they want to set an example.

No one is attacking SAHPs. They’ve been asked for their personal reasons for returning from maternity leave and they’ve given them.

But I always remind myself that when people feel the need to come out with cruel spiteful comments about your choices, it’s because they’re insecure about their own.

@Generalblah what about men who go back to work? They putting their careers before their children too or doesn't that count because they have a penis?

Some of us, myself included, didn’t have this choice to go back to work or not.

I went back for so many reasons:

To earn money
To protect my pension
To maintain my career status and not experience skill fade
To future proof my life and my families life
To be a role model for my DC
To ensure I was never dependent upon my DH
Because I'm good at my job
Because my job, and the successful delivery of it, is vital to thousands of others
Because my DC thrived at nursery
Because I like being SciFi and not just Mummy
Because they are only tiny for such a short time and don't really remember anyway

I've now managed to get to a senior phase, WFH (pre-Covid) and earn PT what I used to earn FT.

My pension is healthy. Our family finances are healthy (this could still change in a flash). I have financial benefits of work (death in service benefit etc)

My DC need me more now and I'm senior enough to have flexibility. I have senior volunteering roles in the community which they are proud of.

It's worked for us. Every family is different. My DH shares every thing (house work, mental load, childcare etc)

I'm so glad I went back to work. I thought it was the right choice at the time and now with hindsight I know it was!

I really like my job and also they let me work from home half the week and work flexible hours. If you hate your job and don't need to do it financially then unless you really have a desire to keep your career going, then I wouldn't go back.

I was the same OP when I had my first DC 11 years ago but what I will say is the time whizzes by and I'm so glad I continued working.

I've improved my skills and I'm senior enough now to request flexible working hours that fit around family life. I've also found older children need me at home far more than when they were toddlers.

It will be hard at first but don't fool yourself into thinking a few years off won't affect your employability because it will. The job market is absolutely brutal even where I am in London where opportunities are more plentiful.

I finished maternity during lockdown in April.... I went back because we need the money, I’ve been there 9 years and like it, I don’t want my registration to lapse.

Just want to point out that I did say that everyone has a preference and it was ok. So those of you being offended need to calm down saying that I am insulting you. My opinion is that women should stay home if they are able to whether that financially or mentally ir anything else. If you read the original post the poster clearly states that money-wise she would be fine and mentaly she doesn’t think she should go to work. So clearly for her being a stay at home mum is the right choice.

My point being that those saying that they go to work to be an example is ridiculous, almost as if you want to shame those who choose to stay at home. There is no shame in being a stay at home mum. It is the ultimate sacrifice I and other women make as we believe it is the right choice. My family will know that they are my priority and I am well within my right to make that statement freely.

So if you were offended or pissed off at my statement that is your issue. I think it is offensive to say that going to work is an example yet I didn’t kick off, only offered my personal view on the matters. To me it’s an example (for some) to show that they care more about themselves and sorry to say that my opinion is that children were not asked to be born so if you choose to have them make sure they know they are loved and cared about. Some women don’t do that. Trust me, working in both nursery settings and school settings you spot the children who are really loved and cared for and those left behind.

I’ll leave that there and you can be offended, upset, insulted all you like. I am entitled to my opinion as you are. Crack on, Karen.

@Generalblah

Just want to point out that I did say that everyone has a preference and it was ok. So those of you being offended need to calm down saying that I am insulting you. My opinion is that women should stay home if they are able to whether that financially or mentally ir anything else. If you read the original post the poster clearly states that money-wise she would be fine and mentaly she doesn’t think she should go to work. So clearly for her being a stay at home mum is the right choice.

My point being that those saying that they go to work to be an example is ridiculous, almost as if you want to shame those who choose to stay at home. There is no shame in being a stay at home mum. It is the ultimate sacrifice I and other women make as we believe it is the right choice. My family will know that they are my priority and I am well within my right to make that statement freely.

So if you were offended or pissed off at my statement that is your issue. I think it is offensive to say that going to work is an example yet I didn’t kick off, only offered my personal view on the matters. To me it’s an example (for some) to show that they care more about themselves and sorry to say that my opinion is that children were not asked to be born so if you choose to have them make sure they know they are loved and cared about. Some women don’t do that. Trust me, working in both nursery settings and school settings you spot the children who are really loved and cared for and those left behind.

I’ll leave that there and you can be offended, upset, insulted all you like. I am entitled to my opinion as you are. Crack on, Karen.

Given the sexist nature of your entire post it does not surprise me that you also you 'Karen' as an insult.

*also use

@Izzysays

I feel this on all levels!

I have just returned 4 days per week. My little girl is 10 months but was 2 months prem so first couple of months were spent in hospital, then lock down happened and I already felt robbed of maternity and all those experiences.

In all honesty the only reason I have returned is we can't afford for me not to right now. If finances weren't an issue I wouldn't have. However, it is getting easier and I'm honestly seeing her developing from being in nursery mixing with other children which is so nice. I also am starting to feel better in myself and like I'm working towards a comfortable future for her.

What I'm trying to say is, I totally get it... But once you are actually back you might not feel the same way! Maybe consider trying it for 6 months and then review how you feel. If you still feel the same I guess you have your answer

@Generalblah you say there is no shame in being a sahm...there is also no shame in being a working mother.

I hear what you are saying about making the "good example" comment...it has an underlying tone of it's "the better example"...it's not...it's just an example iyswim.

"it's the ultimate sacrifice....for you"...I am (and many others) are not willing to make that sacrifice though and that is ok...for me. There's no right or wrong. But your post WAS insulting nonetheless...