What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

I love it when people say they want to 'set an example' for their child. Like not being there is setting what example?

Personally, the example I'm setting for my daughter is one where the work of raising a child isn't "a woman's job", one where a woman's career and expertise is just as important as a man's, one where she sees what real relationship equality looks like.

I have been a SAHM for some time now .I have mostly enjoyed it .However a couple of things to bear in mind 1 .May not be easy to return in your current/similar role 2. If you are planning more DC may be out for quite a while .I think if your DH is supportive ,and it is making you unhappy then to stay at home . You can review this in time anyway .ATM I would enjoy your time with Babe .Many people will probably question your choices but its your decision at the end of the day!

@Hardbackwriter That may be the case, but not for OP and it is her I am addressing as it was her question.

@LolaSmiles Not every marriage ends in divorce and not every woman is heavily career invested. I'm generalising, but it worked for me and many people like me. How awful that OP would love a few extra months/years with her DC and to enjoy their childhood, but has to sacrifice what she can afford because her marriage might breakdown and her pension might be severely impacted. My predicted pension has been virtually unaffected by my few years off, and my DH never complained.

If I was you I'd take a career break rather than not return, as it leaves you more options.

I went back because

• we needed the money
• I like to use my brain and talk to adults
• I found parts of maternity leave boring, I find small babies boring tbh
• my job has excellent benefits, is flexible, food annual leave, pension etc, and for what I do I feel it's well paid

I went back 4 days. In an ideal world I would've done 3, but that wasn't financially attractive and in my place of work 4 days is much more likely to get approved.

Financially there wasn't much of a choice for us but even if there was I'd still have wanted to go back at least part time as i enjoy my job and would've wanted him to go to nursery part time as I think it's good for them. If you have the flexibility from a financial point of view, why not try part time and see how you go. Worst case you can quit your job and take him out of nursery.

If you aren't ready to go back but think you might like to in future I'd take a longer break & look into career breaks & unpaid leave

I came back even though it wasn't initially cost effective as my job is very family friendly & I knew I'd need the money as soon as costs came down (you'll get funding help from 3)

Part time jobs can be tricky to find

I wouldn't go back if we could afford it. I love being around my kids. But husband only earns 30k so it's not enough for us all to live comfortably on.
If you can live happily on one wage I would stay home. You never get the time back and once its gone that's it.

On the setting an example thing, I think language and division of labour at home are also very important.

I call myself a SAHP in front of the kids so that the staying at home is not linked to mother. We call the housework / childcare that I do work, just like daddy's work. I tell my kids about the work I did before and the work I'll do again.

When daddy isn't at work he cleans, looks after the kids, makes them meals etc. He shows that as a daddy he can and does do all the things I do.

Interestingly my mum worked and here I am as a SAHP.... that 'example' obviously didn't stick lol. The example that did stick was my dad being a very hands on father. Literally the only thing he didn't do was breastfeed us, but was very supportive of my mum exclusively breastfeeding. Seeing that has meant that I don't accept my husband not pulling his parenting weight. I hope my son and daughter also pick up on that lesson.

Consider this...

Your childcare costs will only go down (unless you have more children)
Your pay should only go up

My own sanity as being stuck with kids 24/7 is tough I found

To not be financially reliant on another person

To make sure I was employable in the future. Often with huge gaps in working career it's not easy to pick up where you left off

To install work ethic in my kids.

@Ohalrightthen It would have been expensive in nursery fees and minimised any profit from working (as in the OPs case) and I work in the NHS as a nurse so the training etc is all built in and it had minimal affect on me when I did return. Dh earns a reasonable salary and we don't have a lavish lifestyle. Personally I feel I had the best of two worlds, a really close relationship with my children and now an interesting job that I enjoy.

From the child's point of view, being taken to lots of fun things with mummy, read to, played with, meeting other young children, and knowing you are loved by a mummy who is actually present, would also be a major plus if you are looking at positives. Doing this for a few years does not mitigate against a child learning both parents contribute equally to a relationship financially and emotionally.

Everyone must do what they feel is right for them whenever they can, and not made to feel guilty about those choices. No one is saying give up work forever, but do what is best for the individual.

Money. I wouldn't have gone back if it wasn't for the financial side of things, we didn't need it to pay for bills or anything but it was important for me to be financially independent.
I hated it at first and thought seriously about quitting but I've since moved departments and love it now, a year on I have no regrets about going back at all.

I think it's all normal feelings. People said to me that I'd want to go back to work after being off!
I said I've been off for 13.5 months and it still doesn't feel long enough. Again the thought of going back and leaving her had me to the point of tears. I loved maternity leave (5 months of it was during the first lock down).
I'm only work 24 hours so x2 12 hour shifts and she is either looked after by grandparents or if it's a weekend my husband is off and I have 5 days off per week with her.
Children don't need nursery at such a young age so you wouldn't have to send your child either way.
Once I got back to work it feels ok to be back. I quite like my job! I like most of the people and I'm helping others. It was better for my mental health going back re pandemic as I was in my little maternity bubble and had no idea what was happening in the 'real world'.

The reason I couldn't be a stay at home Mam is because as a nurse you need to work so many hours to maintain your registration and once you let that lapse you have to do a return to nursing. The job itself is flexible and if I want to up my hours in the future I can.
If you took a couple of years off what job would you go back to? Would you retrain?

Identity/self esteem.

Indidnt go back straight away but took advantage kf my employers career break scheme - although I suspect things like that dont exist any more. But if you are undecided maybe its worth considering asking??

@Hardbackwriter That may be the case, but not for OP and it is her I am addressing as it was her question.

Where does OP say there will be no financial or career detriment? As lots of people have pointed out, saying that you only just break even on childcare doesn't mean that there isn't a long-term financial advantage to working.

And this comment:
From the child's point of view, being taken to lots of fun things with mummy, read to, played with, meeting other young children, and knowing you are loved by a mummy who is actually present, would also be a major plus if you are looking at positives.

Is both horrible and ignorant. Of course my child does fun things with mummy, of course I play to him and read to him and of course he knows he's loved. I went back to work, I didn't send him to an orphanage! He also has a day a week with his daddy that he wouldn't have if I didn't work - but of course no one seems to think that a child might think that their father doesn't love them because he has a job...

And the gall of coming out with that deliberately nasty, guilt-inducing drivel about working mothers and then sanctimoniously saying:
Everyone must do what they feel is right for them whenever they can, and not made to feel guilty about those choices.
!

@Newmumatlast

1. I love my job (really key I think)

1. I have friends who were stay at home for a decade and found it really hard to enter the job market again when they were ready to. I worked so hard to get to where I am that I thought it would be silly to waste that

1. I wanted to set a good example to my daughter - I want her to know she can be a breadwinner and see it done

1. I think it is important to be my own person and not have motherhood as my entire identity. I absolutely love being a mum and throw myself into it but at the same time I've seen my own mum and friends lose their identity and become all consumed by their kids and it isn't healthy imo

1. Financially we are so so much better off with me working (also key)

1. I am in a very stable relationship but do not ever want to be wholly reliant on a man as I've seen it work negatively for a lot of women. Independence of some kind is so important

All of this ☺️

1. Money
2. Set a good example to my children that men and women both have careers, and men and women both have caring responsibilities
3. Knew I wouldn’t stay at home with school aged children and that it is far easier to agree part time hours with an existing job (which I did - 3 days at 9-6) than finding a new part time job at a senior level

I like my career and have worked hard for it. Plus I like the sense of routine work gives me. I was also desperate for some adult interaction and some job other than nappies and feeding milk. I found working part time to be much more enjoyable than mat leave, it's a great balance between adult interaction and quality time with my child. Also as I reviewed mat pay if I didn't return I'd have to pay it back 🤪

Toddlers are full on little dictators... babies are so much easier!

I'm a better more engaged mum when I get time to pee alone.

I'd quite like to drink a hot drink while it's hot.

Concentrating on things without having to run and remove climbing creature from sofa, book cases, tables.

Alone time on the commute.

Toddler defiance and tantrums!

More seriously I am happier having some form of identity that is "me" rather than "mum of"...

I felt the same as you, didn't want to leave my baby and it felt wrong, not mad keen on my job... but then I chose to go back to work and it was tough for the first 6-8 weeks but then I felt like me again. Got to have conversations other than about baby, but talked about baby lots too. Got to put on make up, look nice, get a morning coffee, have quiet time and lunch walks. It did me so much good...and my baby settled in nursery and loved that too (after settling in period which was tough) she developed so much.

Salary,
half way through a research project,
already had invested too much in my career,
baby a bonus, not my life goal.

If you don't want to go back yet and you can financially take the hit then do it. You'll never get this time back and you'll regret it if you don't take the opportunity. I was in the same boat as you, I quit my job and it was the best decision ☺️

I went back at 8 months and for me i really helped my PND I love my DCs dearly but I need some independence, adult time and routine. It helps that I love my job and have a fantastic boss who allowed me to return part time with some flex in start/finish times. Initially after my first I went back 3 days but upped to 4 days after a couple of months as I got the opportunity of a promotion. I currently do 2 days 8-5.30 and 2 days 9-4 but will be dropping a short day when I go back off this mat leave (baby will be 8.5 months).
Things to consider if you don’t go back:
-claim child benefit even if your husband has to pay it back through tax etc as this gives you your NI contributions towards your pension.
-continue to contribute to a personal pension
-consider how a period of time out of your profession/skill area may impact returning to work (for example for me anymore than 3 years out would mean doing a return to practice course and going back indown the ranks at a lower payscale)
-could you afford to still put your child in to nursery a morning or 2 per week for their benefit and yours
-make sure your and DH have a clear idea about how SAHP works for your family (I have had friends caught out by this with differing expectations)
-work isn’t purely about financial gain in my opinion, for me it’s also about routine, using my brain and it’s very social-do these things relate to your work and what do they mean to you

I’m on mat leave now due back in March too. The covid shit show really puts a different spin on things as my first mat leave was very different. It’s a very strange time whatever you decide it’s not permanent maybe the. Maybe the best approach is to go back for say 2-3 months and then reassess how it’s working for you and your family?