What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

1 love my job

2 have self respect

Maternity pay for the next one
Pension
Using my brain and qualification
The chance to focus
Not being dependent on another adult

I found 8 months peak enjoyment of maternity leave- before that it was a bit dull, after that DS could walk and was OFF. Toddlers are best in smaller doses to be honest, not all day every day, 365 days a year.

Reasons to return were : money, financial independence, career, sharing the load - DH and I share the load in the house and we share the financial burden. Financial security - we could survive if one of us lost their job, or 20% pay cut (as was the case in the spring).

I also REFUSE to feel guilty or feel I need to justify myself for anything that wouldn’t even be questioned for a man.

Ask your DH why he doesn’t want to give up work permanently to look after your baby, and consider why your answers would be any different.

My eldest is now 11. None of my ‘baby’ friends have returned to work anywhere near the level they left it (most not at all). Don’t underestimate how hard it is to come back later - psychologically as well as practically and getting part time hours.

Respectabitch Yes I know it can be done but perhaps sector dependant I’m in Law. Also if you’ve not wanted to put baby in nursery and been home for 4 years full time with no guarantee of part time is very daunting. I used to get comments I was lucky with my hours. But I had a proven record then dropped hours and did 3 days then school hours then 4 days.

@Newmumatlast

1. I love my job (really key I think)

1. I have friends who were stay at home for a decade and found it really hard to enter the job market again when they were ready to. I worked so hard to get to where I am that I thought it would be silly to waste that

1. I wanted to set a good example to my daughter - I want her to know she can be a breadwinner and see it done

1. I think it is important to be my own person and not have motherhood as my entire identity. I absolutely love being a mum and throw myself into it but at the same time I've seen my own mum and friends lose their identity and become all consumed by their kids and it isn't healthy imo

1. Financially we are so so much better off with me working (also key)

1. I am in a very stable relationship but do not ever want to be wholly reliant on a man as I've seen it work negatively for a lot of women. Independence of some kind is so important

Exactly this.

I had a huge wobble about going back to work when DS turned 11 months. I've since realised that I am a much better mother to him when I'm not at home with him 24/7. Going to work gives me a different angle in my life in which I'm not wiping bums, cleaning food off the floor or listening to effing Baby Shark on repeat. I get to converse with other adults who value my opinion and even better I get to drink an entire cup of tea while it's still hot. I went back 4 days a week which felt like a good balance.

DD has just turned 10 months and started at nursery this week in preparation for me returning to work again in January. Once again, the mum guilt is real (especially as she's a lockdown baby and has barely left my side since birth) but I know in the long run it's the right option for us. This time I'm going back 5 days a week but on shorter hours (9.30 - 3).

I have so much respect and admiration for SAHMs but I couldn't do it myself, I'd go mad with frustration!

I am with you on the emotions I get so upset at the thought of leaving him, hopefully it gets easier when I do go back but at the moment the more he is growing and becoming more aware of things the harder it is seeming to be! Lockdown doesn’t bother me either I could stay home with baby forever, we have a great time

Money, mainly. But I needed that part of myself back that wasn't just 'mummy'. My daughter is 1 next week and I went back when she was 9 months on the dot. I work 3 days a week in office and 2 from home and I actually look forward to going to work. Of course I miss her, but I love that I can go and do my job, which I enjoy, and have adult conversations with my coworkers, clients etc.

I should add I’m only part time, I love the time I have at work and the time I have with the kids. It’s a win win and keeps your foot in the door for
The future.

We needed the money, simple as. Tbh I was dreading going back to work and my husband did say we could try to make it work if I wanted to be a SAHM, but I thought I'd give it a go. I don't particularly enjoy my job but it still gives me a 'break' from being at home all the time with my toddler. I did consider leaving my job and finding a new one but as a PP has said, it's generally much easier to go back into your existing job as part-time than to find a new one, and I couldn't face interviews etc while dealing with a baby. I work 20 hours a week, 1 10-hour day and 2 5-hour days.

I love it when people say they want to 'set an example' for their child. Like not being there is setting what example?

Of course it's important to show children both parents can and should work when they are old enough to pay attention, but don't be persuaded into working with a toddler on the basis of the above.

Returning to work should be an entirely personal choice. Having a few years off to parent while at the same time not paying a financial or career penalty, can be good for everyone. Many husbands enjoy their wives not working because it takes some of the work of their shoulders and most men are not financial abusers. It's huge fun to see a small child develop their own personality. Meet ups with friends and child friendly activities are actually enjoyable.

I had 7 years off with the DCs. We all loved it and I returned to work without a problem. I'm not career minded and it suited me, but everyone does what they feel comfortable with, especially in those early precious years

@nanbread

Money Using my brain Chatting to work mates Feeling useful Found mat leave a bit boring and lonely tbh

This And i like my job and my bosses

I do 4 shorter days now my children are at school but I did FT hours while they at nursery. When I look back all the females in my family have worked in some capacity (grandma, mums aunties etc) it has meant that when their has been a divorce they had independence etc.

I’m personally glad I went back to work especially now the kids are older, I have a pension & shared responsibilities to my husband around kids drop off/activities. (Though I probably do a lot of the ‘sorting’)

But I’d never judge any one in their choices, only you know what’s right for your family unit. We all love, care & want the very best for our children.

I didnt go back after my mat leave ended. Wanted to be with dd all the time plus she was a terrible sleeper at the time and I felt I would be too tired to do my job to my usual standard.
I dont regret it at all but am slightly anxious about finding a job when she starts school next year.

You never get the time back so if you can, take a few years off with your baby. BUT.......
Have a clear plan for finances - you must be able to access money for yourself, haircuts, clothes dentist, meals out etc, ideally one shared pot.
Make sure you claim child benefit for the NI contributions.
Do something to keep yourself employable - become a trustee of a charity /school governor /volunteer.

I did these and am about to start a new job now my youngest is at school, I'm so glad I got the time with them, and have now got a great job in school hours so it definitely can be done.

What does your husband think. You say he's a high earner but then you could afford not to work for a year or two so not long term? So not so well off. What would you have to sacrifice for you to be a sahm? Is he really fully happy with that decision or just going with it because you'll do what's right for you anyway?

goldenharvest
Whilst I'd not say that 'setting an example' is the reason why I chose to go back to work, both DH and I are in total agreement that we don't want a SAHP/breadwinner arrangement and we have reservations about the almost default setting that it's mum usually at home and dad usually at work. For us we believe that if we're going to be moving towards a more equal society that men should be doing their fair share. As a result we both work part time.

You're right thay many husbands enjoy their wives not working because it means they don't have to do the home stuff and they like the financial/domestic division of labour, which is fine if it works for those couples. However it is telling that the majority of these situations are the men retaining their financial position and women making the sacrifices, and it's women who risk being in a precarious position should things not work out.

Having a few years off to parent while at the same time not paying a financial or career penalty, can be good for everyone.

That's quite a big caveat, though - the vast majority of women do pay a financial or career penalty if they don't work. Which doesn't necessarily make it the wrong decision - for lots of people it's a price worth paying and that's a totally legitimate way to feel - but it's silly and disingenous to pretend that isn't the case.

@goldenharvest

Having a few years off to parent while at the same time not paying a financial or career penalty, can be good for everyone.

How on earth do you manage that?

You say your husband is a high earner, which is obviously important, but I would also be thinking about how recession-proof and Covid-proof and Brexit-proof his job is.

If he’s a doctor then I appreciate job security in the current climate isn’t a concern - but if he works in travel or retail or hospitality (for example), I’d think quite hard about that.

For me I was ready to go back at 6 months, but went at 7 months due to:

1. Mental stimulation (I love my job and the technical challenges it brings)
2. Re-establish my own identity (I didn't want Mum to be my sole function in life)
3. Independence and not relying on a man (I'm so grateful for this now I'm splitting with DP)
4. Continued service in same employer (was only back for 6 months as went back pregnant with DC2)
5. Pension contributions (free money, what's not to like?)
6. DC to socialise and get used to being around other children (they didn't start at nursery until 1 year old as family looked after them when I went back)

Money wasn't that much of a factor despite me being a much higher earner than DP, as we could just about pay the bills on his salary.

I was only able to have 3 months off, and was always sad at that. Finished end of August, son born September, back in work 1 Dec. I couldnt afford not to go back full time

I love it when people say they want to 'set an example' for their child. Like not being there is setting what example?

It’s a very personal decision, and you shouldn’t take other people’s reasons personally - but personally, I think children as young as toddlers understand and internalise much much more than we give them credit for, and I think our socialisation starts from very, very young. So it has been very important to me to create an environment in which my son sees me and my husband as equal partners. I haven’t always been successful, because my husband is a lazy pig, but that’s my aim.

When my brother and I were small my parents were struggling financially. In order to ease the burden my mum stopped her NHS pension contribution, she has spent the last 15 years or so trying to buy more and over pay into her pension so that she can actually claim a decent pension.

I returned to work after 6 months of mat leave, my DH is not in a very well paid job and that was when my pay dropped. I work ten 11.5 hour shifts every 4 weeks. I'm very fortunate that I was able to request to go back on shifts that worked for us so my DH and I work opposite each other and a family member has the kids one day a week when our shifts overlap. We never had to pay nursery fees, although chose to put both kids in a charity run preschool from age 2.

I love my job, I love having a career, I love going somewhere and not just being X's mum.

I have never felt like I needed to do one or the other though in fact I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I work and my DH or parents are with the kids and I get to spend a few week days at home so I went to toddler groups and all that stuff and now I can go to help on school trips, sports days, reading ect (pre-covid obviously!) The only downside to any of this is that we rarely get to spend time all together as a family

I consolidated my hours and so did DH so we both do full time over 4 days, which means each of us has DS one day during the week, he has two days with grandmas (their choice) and one at nursery. He settled quickly at nursery and loves it, sometimes at weekends he asks to go there.

I like to stretch my brain and being at home didn't do that , I like the financial comfort and security two salaries give us , and I'm ambitious professionally. I'm really passionate about my line of work and know what we do makes a huge difference to individuals and the safety of the public.

I also want my son to grow up with a strong female role model and without the common biases around gender roles within family units.