Toddler seen her dad naked

[purplepolo]

Toddler has been seeing her dad on a Sunday, and yesterday after nursery (she's 3) she came out with that she had seen daddies bits and that they were hairy. I probed bit more without trying to put words into her mouth, and we eventually came to the conclusion he was on the toilet naked, but she certainly had a lot to say about his genitals.

I have my own childhood trauma where I was sexually absued by my dad so to be honest I felt uncomfortable after discussing that even after finding out it was innocent but surely he shouldn't be naked in front of her or atleast have a bit of privacy regarding genitals? I don't want her to be shy in discussing genitals etc, I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest.

My question really would be would I be unreasonable to ask him to be a bit more private himself? I don't know if my own childhood issues are making me overreact, I mean he's her parent and sure I rarely get the chance to use the toilet alone, but it just made me feel uncomfortable.

It's not really a question of you being unreasonable. Your response is linked to trauma and it's so hard to overcome that. I think it's great you're asking. I'd definitely recommend the NSPCC resources but it's also a good opportunity to teach the right names for body parts as there is research this helps children not feel embarrassed/ashamed and will help her explain if she's ever concerned about anything. There's a good article jere www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/going-beyond-intelligence/201703/call-children-s-private-body-parts-what-they-are

Seeing her dad naked in the context you describe may help you open up some conversations and it's isn't harmful at all.

Hey OP,

I can see why you might have mixed thoughts about this, because your only experience of a father figure in this way was a negative one.

But you have to remember that the vast, vast, overwhelming majority of men are NOT like this, and never will hurt their child in any way. I am so, so sorry that yours did.

It's good for her to get used to normal nudity with both her dad and you, but also important that she understands that those parts are private when you're not at home, and that nobody else should touch them.

I know it will be difficult to relax about this, but other than anything else, it sounds like a one off and she walked in on him while he was on the loo. 'Dangly bits' are incredibly funny to a 3yo so it's not surprising that she had a lot to say about them, particularly if it was the first time she'd seen a naked man like that.

Please try your best not to worry.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you when you were little OP. Thanks for posting this question though, I've found the responses really interesting.

I grew up just with my Mum and while she was naked a lot I don't recall that I ever saw a naked man in real life until my late teens.

My experiences had made me wonder how I'll feel when we have our own DC, as my DP is from a country that is (ahem) significantly more liberal with nudity than Britain and while I'm not especially modest I'm no where near as free and easy as he is! These replies have gone a long way to reassuring me about what is and isn't normal and acceptable with small DCs at home.

@Peace43

It’s normal to see your parents naked in a non-sexual context. I can understand why you would be very sensitive about this. As your DD gets older I’d expect your ex to be more discrete but as your DD is 3 it’s really not an issue!

^^ This is spot on.

Has your dd started to knock before entering a room with a closed door? I can't remember when I had to teach my kids that but I'm guessing it's the sort of age that your dd is?

Op I can totally sympathise with you on your past and how it would affect you but seeing your parents naked in a non sexual way is a non issue in my opinion.

My kids always walk in on me having a bath or shower to tell me something because they are so impatient. They’ve seen me on the toilet etc.

When my two were three maybe until they were about 5 (probably older with DS tbh) they used to jump in the bath or shower with me or their dad!

So she's seen you naked on the toilet, and your genitalia. That is perfectly normal. So is seeing her naked Dad's genitalia. How ELSE were you ever going to let her learn about the human body?

 If  she asks you what his penis and testicles are for, and why she has none, I hope you're going to give her a first  lesson  in human biology. That boys and girls have different bodies. Men and women have different bodies.   She is a girl so she  will grow up into a woman  like you. That  you both have a womb in your tummy; that she grew in your womb in your tummy.  Maybe she has seen  your friend X who is growing a baby in her big round  tummy.  Or  X 's baby drinking milk from his mummy's breasts. Be ready to answer "how did the baby get   in and out". .

Answer ALL her questions about bodies truthfully in terms she can understand.

  If you teach her (by your embarrassment and manner) that the human body/ genitalia  and breasts  are shameful, then she  will grow up  without a healthy knowledge and understanding of them.  

It's ignorance, shame and forced secrecy that makes people most vulnerable to paedophiles or other sexual predators.

I think many parents of a 3 year old at home alone are going to leave the toilet door open in case the 3 year old does something silly when they are not looking.

She's only 3 not 13! DD is 2 and still often shares a shower or toilet trip with me or DH. She will talk a lot about bodies which is totally normal and we use it as an opportunity to talk about correct names etc. I absolutely see why your previous childhood abuse would come up for you but what your child is describing isn't concerning.

Like PP (and yourself) said your childhood experience is clouding this. Sadly the effect of abuse, I'm sorry you went through that OP and I think I would ne exactly the same as you.

If your DD was a DS would you have had the same reaction? DD 3 doesnt really see DP naked (except when she bursts in to the bathroom to congratulate him on being a good boy using the toilet😂) but in the situation you describe its innocent, making a big deal out of it will only make a normal situation, weird.

Take it like this OP. You say she sees you naked, so it's perfectly normal for her to see her father naked in the same kind of circumstances. This is how children learn about the human body.
I'm sorry you were abused though, you may need to seek out some advice about how do deal with this in relationship to your kids as they grow up

OP, so sorry about your childhood, I can understand why you are extra cautious, is there any other concerns about him? Any history of abuse on his side? If not then I think you are just worrying because of your childhood.

I remember seeing my dad naked at that age and my response was similar to your DD’s. My parents never really hid their bodies around us, I probably bathed with my dad when small and seen him going to the loo. My kids see me naked all the time but not their dad (they probably did when he lived here and they were tiny).

Nudity is just normal in our house, we are relaxed about it. Our house is cold so there's not a huge amount of nudity for that reason though!

Not everyone parades about their home stark naked, you know. And if everything's out all the time, how are their kids expected to learn that some parts of the body are private?
If there was any parading going on I'd definitely find it weird :) But people naked (no "stark" required) in their own home, not rushing to cover up when a trusted family member comes in, is part of the lesson that many people teach their children about what's appropriate where, and what's not. Your family had a different attitude, and that's their personal, private way of dealing with it - but OP was asking about what most people do, and what society at large would find concerning.

My DD is 3 in January. As she follows us everywhere she sees me naked all the time. DH covers himself up when she enters his private space (we have one bathroom and she seems to want to use the toilet when his in the shower). Although DH is uncomfortable with it, I think she is still too small for it to be weird.
I read a thread not long ago about a 9 year old sleeping in the bed with mom and dad sleeping on the sofa. I am ashamed to say that I probably snuck in with my mom and dad until about 11 . So I’m probably not the best person to comment

@Peace43

It’s normal to see your parents naked in a non-sexual context. I can understand why you would be very sensitive about this. As your DD gets older I’d expect your ex to be more discrete but as your DD is 3 it’s really not an issue!

Basically this ^

My son saw both me and his dad naked when he was small and never thought anything of it. If your daughter's dad lived with you, she would see him naked more often and not find his 'bits' so remarkable.

There comes a time when we cover up, as do they; they no longer walk into the bathroom or get in the bath with us, etc. However, not as young as three.

@Peace43

It’s normal to see your parents naked in a non-sexual context. I can understand why you would be very sensitive about this. As your DD gets older I’d expect your ex to be more discrete but as your DD is 3 it’s really not an issue!

Also agree

I have a one year old and honestly I can't move without him, in the past he has had to come in the bathroom while I pee. Ok not naked, but still it's a private thing. These things happen, were mums and dads. All normal

My DCs have never seen their father naked and never will. He goes to great lengths to avoid it. They're girls but only 4 and 2 so it wouldn't be a big deal at this age. He's old-fashioned and from Irish Catholic stock so it's definitely his issue. As such my four year old was completely fascinated when my sister was bathing her DS in our house! All the other DC went off to play but she stood by the bath mesmerized asking my sister all manner of questions about the baby's genitals

I'm so sorry for what happened to you as a child OP. YANBU to feel how you feel.

I would just keep an eye on what she says, whether she comes out with anything else etc.

If it was just his dressing gown fell open a bit while he was making a cup of tea, or she caught a glimpse when he went to the loo, I'd say that's not something to worry about.

I am sorry you have an awful experience colouring your judgement OP.

I grew up with nudity as a normal part of life, my parents and other adults would be nude when practical to be so (swimming, getting changed in the showers or at the roadside after caving, dressing/undressing, sunbathing), so I never recall it being odd or unusual or something to comment on, though its likely that I did because kids do.

We bathed with either parent up to whatever age that became impractical or someone starts whinging about having to have the tap end, probably around 6 years old.

Have whatever sensible discussions about pants rules you think are necessary, and if she has questions, answer them honestly but within her ability to understand. Don't go telling her rubbish like 'its a tail' or any other silly shit, just give her the facts as necessary.

YABU, it's quite normal behaviour.
The behaviour of your Dad has no bearing on this, honestly.
So sorry you are a victim of your father, I can't imagine how that must feel and no wonder your normal is skewed

Sorry for what happened to you but yabu.

Being naked is nothing to be ashamed of.

It's absolutely normal

It's normal for a dad to change his kids nappies

It's normal for a dad to bath their children

It's normal for a dad to take his kids swimming and change together in the cubicle

It's normal for a dad to take his kids shopping and try clothes on for him or them

It's normal for a dad to come out of the shower or bath naked and dress in front of the children

Kids start to want and need privacy in general around 7 +, follow their lead, but no need for hiding anything with a 3 year old.

My husband came out of the shower and started to brush his teeth will still naked.

Our then 3 year old came in, tugged DH's will and went "DING DONG!"
My husband leapt out his skin because he didn't know he had even come into the bathroom.
I was just behind him and also wasn't expecting him to do it.

That was 11 years ago and it still makes us laugh.

My husband put pants on after that.