Toddler seen her dad naked

[purplepolo]

Toddler has been seeing her dad on a Sunday, and yesterday after nursery (she's 3) she came out with that she had seen daddies bits and that they were hairy. I probed bit more without trying to put words into her mouth, and we eventually came to the conclusion he was on the toilet naked, but she certainly had a lot to say about his genitals.

I have my own childhood trauma where I was sexually absued by my dad so to be honest I felt uncomfortable after discussing that even after finding out it was innocent but surely he shouldn't be naked in front of her or atleast have a bit of privacy regarding genitals? I don't want her to be shy in discussing genitals etc, I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest.

My question really would be would I be unreasonable to ask him to be a bit more private himself? I don't know if my own childhood issues are making me overreact, I mean he's her parent and sure I rarely get the chance to use the toilet alone, but it just made me feel uncomfortable.

I was in sadly the same childhood trauma as you Duncan totally feel how you feel. However i have a son who has seen myself and his dad naked, we arent together now and I highly doubt he does now as hes 12 but I was okay with that but I'm.windering how I would feel if I had a daughter, I think it's fine but it will become age appropriate later on x

Today 10:23 WoahHeyThere

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I didn’t see the original post before it was deleted, but sometimes wonder if MNHQ staff are tempted to ad “you insensitive low life” to the end of some deletion messages.

I’ll never know.

YABVU and your past is clouding your judgement. It’s normal and healthy to see both parents naked in normal day to day activities.

@Peace43

It’s normal to see your parents naked in a non-sexual context. I can understand why you would be very sensitive about this. As your DD gets older I’d expect your ex to be more discrete but as your DD is 3 it’s really not an issue!

Agree

Unless there's a huge backstory - this is fine.

I can't recall seeing my own DF's bits as a toddler but then memories can be vague at that age! I don't even recall seeing my stepdad's bits a few years later when I was approx 5.

I would maybe suggest your ex is a bit careful with toilet and closing doors but not a huge issue!

My friend once was called into school as her dd's drawings were quite graphic...
All the family, her, df +dm. 3 dbs - all drawn naked. Df sporting a full 70's bush!!

Your open dialogue with your daughter will continue to allow her to trust you with directing her to question question her environment.
Being hyper vigilante is not a bad thing and you sound like you have a fantastic parenting relationship too.

My 2.5 year old sees both myself and her dad when getting dressed or having a shower, she totally ignores us and proudly explains about her dolls, her bears, her kitchenette and all manner of things that we need explaining while we shower.
This is a non sexual context and completely fine.
You are doing fine.

I'm sorry that you've experienced such horrific breach of trust and abuse as a child OP. Of course those are things you want to shield your child from.

It is a fairly average experience to see your parents naked at that age.

She told you about it. This is good, yes? There are no secrets between you and her. At this age where she is entirely open by default you can gently guide her to private public distinctions but keep that bond where she can always talk to you. That connection will be her defence if you like. Knowing you will listen. It's going to be harder for you, but look at NSPCC etc about teaching children boundaries. You don't need to ask this of your ex. I think, what you're doing, talking, listening keep doing that. Best wishes

I'm really sorry about what happened to you as a child, but seeing your parents naked is very very normal and not unhealthy.

OP, I think you are right. When ex and I split, back in the dark ages, I had to tell him to keep his clothes on when daughter (4) was around. The secure family setting no longer exists, the power structure has changed - an adult alone with a child has far more opportunity to cause harm, or to mistake the boundaries of the relationship.
Trust your gut, OP. Your childhood experiences have not impaired your judgment.

@GlmPmum

On lighter funny note and to see how normal this is I'll tell you about my niece.

After having my son my 3 year old neice was fascinated when I was changing his nappy, she pointed one day at his bits and asked me what it was. I explained it was his tale and her response was to proudly tell me her dad my brother had a massive tale 😄

Brother told me afterwards that she used watch him pee and would then pat him on the back and call him a good boy for using the toilet 😄

Haha!

My Dad always used to walk naked from the bedroom the the bathroom and when I was around 2ish I asked him what was that in between his legs. He said "It's my doo-dah" I said oh ok and that was that. A couple of days later my Mum took me to lunch with all the other mums and kids from playgroup and I very loudly announced "My Dad has a really big doo-dah!" My Mum was absolutely mortified as she said no one was even talking about anything remotely related. but my Dad thought it was hysterical.

I totally get your point about this as I had sexual abuse in my childhood, and I think it does colour your views in what is normal and not. However I know my children have seen there dad naked and also me. Nothing sexual about it and toddlers coming into the bathroom whilst you go toilet or have a shower or climbing into your bed etc is all normal. Tbh I would say it is unfair to day he needs to ensure she sees nothing when she has seen you naked

I can see why you’re concerned given your history, I don’t think I ever saw my parents naked nor did my children rountinely see me - but as toddlers they occasionally bathed with their dad and I know my daughter baths with DGC sometimes. I wouldn’t be over concerned but I’d want to teach DD about modesty.

The MN classification of accidentally overheard sex as child abuse goes completely over my head though, so I may be a bit odd.

It’s understandable that your wary especially after your own experiences and the fact your not there with them. It’s very common for children to see their parents naked. My children have taken showers with both myself & DH. They have no shame when it comes to having conversations with us when we are getting dressed/undressed or barging in while we are on the toilet. I tell them to bugger off while I’m naked, so dose DH but we don’t make a big deal about it. As they get older that will change.

I'm 52 and have never seen either of my parents naked. Certainly wouldn't want to now! My parents were both extremely strict about this, they didn't even like me wearing bikinis in front of my two brothers when I was in my teens. I didn't actually see a naked male body until I first had sex! (was quite a shock).

Tbh I probably have inherited their 'prudishness' about all of it and if I'd had children wouldn't have wanted them seeing me or their father naked either. So I can understand why you don't like it.

Phew! Seen your 2nd post, so glad you now realise this is completely normal.

Our family consists of myself, my husband, 7 year old daughter and 3 year old son. In our house nudity is very normal.

My husband often showers with our kids to wash them/hair etc and so do I.

Just explain in to her in an ordinary, everyday way, males have penises, girls have vaginas. Older people grow hair under their arms and in their 'private areas' and one day she will have hair there too and then move on.

We have a book called 'my underpants rule'. It's a great way to teach kids about who should/shouldn't be able to see them naked etc, it's very gentle and suitable for any children of any age, might be a good one for you to get and read regularly with your daughter.

@Hailtomyteeth

OP, I think you are right. When ex and I split, back in the dark ages, I had to tell him to keep his clothes on when daughter (4) was around. The secure family setting no longer exists, the power structure has changed - an adult alone with a child has far more opportunity to cause harm, or to mistake the boundaries of the relationship. Trust your gut, OP. Your childhood experiences have not impaired your judgment.

I disagree, speaking from experience as a girl who lived for long stretches with just my dad before he eventually remarried.

Unless there is some kind of troubled backstory, a single-parent home is still a secure family setting, whether the parent is a mum or a dad. To suggest otherwise is plain old prejudice about how families “should” be structured.

Honestly OP, I really sympathise, but I strongly feel that the majority reaction on this thread is correct. Not only that, but if you use this incident as a jumping-off point for asking your ex to use more discretion, you might find yourself in the position of having introduced dark/uncomfortable ideas into a perfectly normal and innocent situation, in a way that just undermines the dd/dad relationship a little bit or even throws up a barrier in communication, a slight sense of them not feeling comfortable mentioning normal stuff to you.

If that makes sense (I’m not sure it does)

I don’t know how I feel about it to be honest. I was abused too and my DP was bursting for the loo when DD was playing in the bathroom and I was extremely uncomfortable with it.

It is ok to have boundaries on what your children see or are exposed to but I guess we can’t show our fear and the fact we are uncomfortable to them in case this causes issues with nudity in later life.

I used to sit in the bathroom chatting to my Mum whilst she had a bath as a child. I’m sure she found it frustrating but I really enjoyed our little bathroom chats. Subsequently seen her naked a thousand times, perfectly normal.

She obviously walked in on him on the toilet and is displaying normal childhood curiosity. You’re understandably projecting your own childhood abuse onto the situation.

I remember my son seeing me in the shower at around that age. Presumably he'd never looked very closely before, as he asked "Where's your willy? Is it at the back?"

I don't see any difference in parents being divorced, either. If you were still together, you'd be happy with one person going away for a week, or being away all day, and wouldn't expect the person left behind to stop getting nude during that time.

I think your feelings are valid and you’re not overreacting in that context. Your alerts are up and that’s a good thing to keep you and your daughter safe. It sounds like you did exactly the right thing, checked it out with her in an open way and came away to reflect. I agree with the majority of posters who say it is normal for girls and boys to see dads naked, my toddler is another who is fascinated with daddy’s penis and will stand beside him watching intently while he has a pee - which is pretty unnerving for him! I wouldn’t allow my nearly 5yr old to do that however, as while she will see him naked from time to time, she is old enough to grasp the idea of privacy and not staring at others genitals. The wee one just doesn’t get that yet, however she is also fascinated with bum cracks 🙈 and tries to put her hand in one that walks past her! We are talking about how you can’t touch anyone’s bum but your own and that seems to be going in.

Anyway that’s a side story - basically I wanted to say that most abuse sadly happens in families so you are definitely right to assess any information that troubles you, but with nothing inappropriate sounding about this, it’s right to acknowledge this is about your feelings/history.

I'm really sorry I quoted woah post. I was just so angry and didn't think.

You are understandably sensitive about this, but it is completely normal for parents to be naked in front of young children.

There will come an age when opposite sexes will naturally become more private around each other but it is a few years off yet.