Toddler seen her dad naked

[purplepolo]

Toddler has been seeing her dad on a Sunday, and yesterday after nursery (she's 3) she came out with that she had seen daddies bits and that they were hairy. I probed bit more without trying to put words into her mouth, and we eventually came to the conclusion he was on the toilet naked, but she certainly had a lot to say about his genitals.

I have my own childhood trauma where I was sexually absued by my dad so to be honest I felt uncomfortable after discussing that even after finding out it was innocent but surely he shouldn't be naked in front of her or atleast have a bit of privacy regarding genitals? I don't want her to be shy in discussing genitals etc, I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest.

My question really would be would I be unreasonable to ask him to be a bit more private himself? I don't know if my own childhood issues are making me overreact, I mean he's her parent and sure I rarely get the chance to use the toilet alone, but it just made me feel uncomfortable.

I completley understand why you feel uncomfortable, the fact is sadly your experiences will have skewed your perception of certain things. However, it is normal for a child to see their parents naked, in fact I think its good to show them bodies are nothing to be ashamed off. I wouldn't purposely walk around naked but if my children do walk in on me or their dad in the bathroom or getting changed, it's not a huge deal. We just remind them to knock first and that's the end of it. So in the gentlest way possible YABU, of course your 3 year old is going to be curious, it's something different to what she knows. I think it's normal for that age to begin to show curiosity about genitals and pubic hair.

I remember my son seeing me in the shower at around that age. Presumably he'd never looked very closely before, as he asked "Where's your willy? Is it at the back?"

My eldest had no curiosity whatsoever, so when my youngest approached me sitting on the toilet with a determined look on his face following him not believing me when I said I didn't have a willy I got quite flustered! At that age they're so sure of themselves!

DD showered with both me and DH until she was about 5. She was terrified of water (ASD) so would only shower with whoever happened to be going for a shower at the time. She did comment on different "bits" when she was younger but only out of curiosity, and she was completely comfortable with her dad in the shower. Now at 6 she's okay with showering on her own & I just help her to do it herself, but she might still see us occasionally using the bathroom.

I’ve voted YABU, too. I was abused as a child by my F, too, as was my DSis, and I would also feel uncomfortable in your shoes but I would know that my past was colouring my reaction and give my head a wobble.

It’s hard, though, and I understand why you feel the need to check with other people. It’s what AIBU is good for.

Also given how long men spend on the loo sometimes it's probably safer for her to be with him. She could get up to anything in the hour or so it takes some men to have a poo

Ha ha a very good point.

I never saw my father naked (I really don't think I would have wanted to!) but I used to sit on the loo (not going to the loo, on top of the closed seat) and chat to my mum while she was in the bath!

I'm really sorry OP to hear what your father did to you. That is unforgiveable and it's not surprising you feel the way you do.

I agree with many PPs that nakedness in a non-sexual context is normal. My 7 YO was for a time fascinated with genitalia, and why mine was different from his and his dad's - that too is entirely normal. I think if a child asks a question you give them an honest if age-specific answer: demystifies the whole thing for them and they'll likely as not soon lose interest.

My DH is Catholic - which I'm sure has something to do with it - and both he and his siblings had all sorts of bodily hang-ups instilled in them as children. No one ever saw exposed flesh and as for family members farting in front of each other, well that was unthinkable. Bodies and bodily functions were strictly off-limits in that house. DH is better since living with earthy old me for a couple of decades, but his sister's daughter is convinced various body parts including even her torso are 'rude' (as she calls them) and somehow taboo. That makes me very sad for her.

I too was abused by father as a child (he was violent rather than sexual) but I saw my mum naked all the time and would often sit and talk to her while she was in the bath, etc. Hence I'm not coy about my body in adulthood. Try not to worry. As a PP said she'll hit an age where privacy does become an issue and then it will work itself out on its own. In the meantime, try not to convey the message that the body is in any way shameful. By the same token the sensible safety messages about consent, the 'underwear' rule and where no one should ever touch you are also a good idea for every child. I do understand this can be a hard balance to strike.

I voted yabu but I understand why its unsettled you. Dd used to play with dh's bath water when he was in there at that age. Ds used to see me naked up until around age 8. Dds 14 now and she will quite happily walk in the bathroom when I'm in there and vice versa. She gets offended though if I walk in and she's on the toilet though

It's normal in our house. I started covering up when DS was about 6. DS started closing the bathroom door when he was 9.

Now he's appalled if he sees my in my bra. . He's 12

I voted YABU because it's normal for children to see their parents naked in non-sexual contexts, but I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and entirely understand why that is colouring your view.

I understand that you are sensitive but it is completely normal for young children to see their parents naked and to ask questions about why their bodies are different.

I remember being about 3 or 4 and walking in on my dad having a wee. I asked my mum why he had a bone sticking out! 😂. Didn’t cause me any long term problems. I understand why you may be concerned but I don’t think you need to worry.

I’ve noticed my seven year old now stares at my boobs if he’s chatting to me while I’m in the bath. I just tell him not to stare and he averts his gaze but I’m starting to be more private around him now as I think his curiosity is starting to kick in and I don’t want it to feel inappropriate. My four year old doesn’t care less. Wouldn’t notice if I was walking down the street naked.

Nothing you’ve posted sounds at all concerning. Do you have an amicable relationship with your ex? If so I wonder if you could discuss it with him.

Yes agree with previous posters OP, sorry for what you went through as a child but unless you have a reason to worry that your ex has been inappropriate with your DD then this incident is really perfectly normally

Completely normal for small children to see their parents naked (when getting changed, or using the toilet or in the bath etc)
I do understand your thought process OP given your background but I would say it is completely normal (especially at 3- when she gets older and if she was embarrassed etc then that’s a separate issue at that point)

My husband was always very discreet in front of our daughter growing up, when she was about three or four she marched into the bathroom when he was in thr bath and shouted “oh look at that it’s like a little finger”

Honestly I never laughed so hard, he hollered back it is not and out, go see your mum. As I was lay on the bed snorting with laughter.

It’s normal op, it happens and it’s not a big deal. Honest.

I think its normal and healthy to see your parents naked. He was on the toilet, not like he was cooking dinner naked. She was obviously very interested in it as its probably the first penis she's seen.

My daughter is obsessed with my "boobies" (bizarre as I didn't breast feed), and goes on and on about mama has large boobies and I have small ones. Its part of learning about bodies at such a young age.

You need to be careful about projecting your own experience onto your daughter.

I was never sexually abused by my dad, not even close even though he is an alcoholic but I have seen him naked, I remember walking in the bathroom while he was peeing (standing) and he would turn to block my view , then I would go to the other size , same thing. I am deaf so he probably tried to me to get out . I was very curious and I did this a few time and I was probably three years old.
It didn't affect me at all. I also remember thinking like this "I can have male parts if I wanted , all I to do is tell my body to give it to me, but I like what I have so I am not going to" 😅 So don't worry if your child seen it as long as your spouse handled it calmly like my dad and properly.

But yea, do ask him to cover up more

It’s totally normal for kids to see their parents naked. It’s also normal for kids to be interested in bodies, and how some bodies are different from others. It isn’t remotely sexual - kids don’t understand that bodies can be used for sex, it’s just not a feature for them.

I completely appreciate that your own experience are clouding this for you - it’s hard to see how they could do otherwise. You don’t have the privilege of believing that children don’t see bodies as sexual, because you had it taken from you by abusive adults. So I absolutely see why this was something triggering and upsetting for you, and I hope you’re ok. I hope you’re also reassured that from your daughter’s perspective this is just normal curiosity and nothing to worry about.

Yabu. It's her dad.
Don't project your past onto them.

@ChampagneCommunist

With the greatest of respect, I think your past is colouring your thoughts on this.

How has your child got to 3 without seeing her father naked? And has the child seen you naked?

You don't want to (unintentionally) give her the idea that naked bodies are bad and something to be ashamed of.

Not everyone parades about their home stark naked, you know. And if everything's out all the time, how are their kids expected to learn that some parts of the body are private?

I have vague memories of my parents being naked in front of me when I was tiny and tbh they're not pleasant memories. Not because there was ever anything even vaguely inappropriate in my upbringing, but I think simply because at that age all I knew was my parents looked different than normal when they were naked, and I found that unsettling.

Expecting to get roundly flamed for saying this, and don't care. I can't be the only one who feels kids shouldn't have to see their parents naked.

It's hard but DH and I have always been body open around kids. DS is 8 and still happy to be naked but dd is 12 and likes privacy now, which is fine. We respect it.

DH and I still sleep naked and walk around in our bedroom naked and kids know this. Dd has always seen DH naked. It's not an issue.

I'm really sorry about what happened to you OP. However I have to agree that it's clouding your judgement.
At 3 my children walked in on me and my husband naked. By the time they got to about 6 we told them to knock on the bathroom and bedroom door before coming in.
At 3 though I think it's fine.

YABU. My children were still bathing with their dad at that age

It is normal and healthy for a young child to be exposed to the normal human body of their parents as they undertake funtional tasks.

What matters is respect and consent.
Understanding what parts of the body are generally private. What should not be touched without purpose and permission.

Boundaries vary widely. Most children will have embarassment creep in at some point in the junior school years.

At 7 & 9, my two are still quite uninhibited about gatecrashing us because we are not embarrased people. My 9yo has dyspraxia and still needs practical help with things like showering properly but where I have to assist, I tell him what I'm doing, give him choices about doing it more independently and his feelings are respected which is critical.