How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

As soon as I saw he was holing up to work far far more than was necessary, I wondered if you had any small children.

YANBU, to be working those hours assuming he's not at a start up or working on a short term
demanding project management seems a touch too dedicated (and slightly on the road to burn out - no breaks during the day/ short lunch break every day?!). I'm also WFH along with colleagues and have definitely had periods where working long hours but something about this situation rings differently - he's really never able to emerge from his office? In my virtual colleagues (mostly men) it's normal now for 'sorry got to go, toddlers tea' and running out to do the school run etc. Who makes his lunches, does his laundry, food shopping etc,?, because if it's all you he's definitely being unreasonable, these are all chores he would need to make time for if WFH and alone. If he's emerging from work ready to be hands on, laptop away for the evening, doing his share of households jobs then maybe not so much.

@stovetopespresso

is it the stereotypical bloke thing? took ages of lockdown to persuade dh that it wasn't just my job to get kids out of the door (we both work) and now he occasionally has to admit to his zoom meetings buddies he has kids and duck out for 5. but op i guess as you're actually there ...maybe he sees it as 'your' job??

If she’s on maternity and he’s working full time, then surely this is her job for now!

My company is the opposite of some on here. We are actively encouraged to take time away from our screens and go for a walk/have lunch/walk the dog/chat to the kids ...... and I think we give more in return as they seem genuinely concerned about our mental health and well being.

@ArcheryAnnie

Presenteeism is a curse, and doesn't lead to greater productivity.

Your DH has responsibilities not just to his employers, but to his family, too. If he is paid to work 9 am to 5 pm then it is reasonable that he focusses on that during those hours.. It's also reasonable that he occasionally works a little bit outside those hours, as people usually do. But 7.30 am to 6 pm is wildly unreasonable, and he needs to step up and do some parenting.

Don't ask him, OP. Tell him. Go into his office and put his son in his arms at 5.15 if he's not out of there by then. Or pass him his son in the mornings, and go out for a lovely long walk until 8.30 am.

You had a child together. He shouldn't get to choose whether he actually does any parenting or not.

why doesn't the OP go back to work then, to ensure a fair share of responsibilities and parenting?

go out for a lovely long walk until 8.30 am. Maybe her working-full-time DH would love to have a long walk too instead of being stuck in the office all day, thought about that?

so what? If he's still paid to do the same job, he's expected to do the same hours.

Yes. 8.30-5, or whatever you get when you take his commute (which he no longer has to do) off the time he used to be out of the house.

Are we really still throwing ourselves on the fires of martyrdom?
That's actually Mumsnet's favorite competitive sport.

savethewales only for daytime when they are both at work - him in the office, her looking after the baby. When he has finished his working time at 5 pm, they should then share parenting together, as they also should in the mornings.

If some of you posting YABU on this thread are managers, I really pity your staff.

Seriously, presenteeism is ridiculous, inefficient, and pointless, as well as being damaging to both corporate culture and family life.

But he isn’t finished his working time at 5pm and the OP hasn’t shared any useful information about his role (other than that she thinks it’s pointless) to allow us to say he is clocking on/off too early or late.

OP YANBU.

What a depressing work culture we have in the UK.

Obviously if he was in the office he wouldn’t be there to support. But if it wasn’t for covid, they’d be a lot more baby groups, play dates, coffees, etc and you wouldn’t be stuck at home. Being on mat leave during a global pandemic is SOUL DESTROYING.

The lack of compassion on this thread is horrible.

@BigSandyBalls2015 same here. Company reminds us to take breaks, spend time with family, take downtime during the day and take holidays etc to avoid burn out. Our work doesn't really have a start and finish so there can always be something to do (too much!) so it's important to prioritize. This message comes from the very top down.

Many people in the corprate world work over and above there hours in corporate for there basic salary .
A lot of my friends in that area have been told if there was ever a time to go above and beyond it's now most companies are struggling .

so what? If he's still paid to do the same job, he's expected to do the same hours. If he was in the office, he would be absent for LONGER or would have to catch up in the evening...
Except it doesn't seem from Op raising his hours as an issue NOW that he was working in the office 7.30-6 every single day. So if he was working 9-5 before and then is suddenly working an extra 12.5 hours now he's home / there's a baby, there's something wrong.

why doesn't the OP go back to work then, to ensure a fair share of responsibilities and parenting? well she's on maternity leave so she will be soon, but it sounds like it still won't be evenly split. If he can't be disturbed bwtween 7.30 am and 6 pm who do you think is going to be doing the nursery run every day and getting baby's dinner sorted?

@flaviaritt

For all the keyboard warriors taking the hard line that they would never work a minute outside of contracted hours just sound like people who have never worked in an office environment.

I have, and I still wouldn’t be putting in 2-3 hours a day unpaid. I remember my first few office jobs. I’d leave (sometimes) at the end of the working day and the people around me would stare like I was doing something wrong. But sod them. I had an hour’s commute, then when I got home I’d cook some food, watch TV and go to sleep. I wasn’t leaving at lunchtime. I did my hours.

MY friend did this after she had her first child. The kids are now at high school and she still does it because it caused an almighty fuss at her work place.

At first the manager was a bit "eye brows" at her leaving on the dot of 5, as where her colleagues. Then her boss cottoned on to the fact that she was in fact as (if not more) productive than her colleagues which pointed to the fact that there was more faffing about than working during the day, and that people who stayed later where the ones who wanted to be seen to be working super hard, without actually doing any extra work.

So there was what used to be called a "time and motion" study, not sure what they are called now, monitoring what was actually achieved and when. And all employees where instructed to take their breaks and arrive and leave on time. Productivity took a nose dive for a few weeks but picked up as soon as the martyrs realised that they could get their jobs done in the hours allotted. Now there is no overtime unless actually needed and authorised and paid. Not surprisingly, she stayed with the same company!

It's very common feedback to hear from colleagues how WFH has improved work life balance and how commuting time etc is being used to exercise/for family/chores etc. Some of the replies on here could be from the dark ages 'You Must Help the Man & Respect The Mysterious Important Work That Cannot Be Disturbed'

Either he's bad at his job or he's avoiding op and the baby

Or maybe he's seen the unemployment situation and would like to retain his job? Things will be a lot worse for the OP if they are both "sitting around the house" with no income.

This reminds me that during lockdown there was definitely a contingent of very important men who couldn't possibly be Disturbed from there very important work. Leaving women who's work was somehow more able to be juggled to somehow do everything. I know it's slightly different as you're on maternity leave however if he's starting at 9am every day it doesn't seem unreasonable that you could go for a walk etc a couple of mornings before his work, sans baby. Work can always fill the available time, and for some people, this suits them just fine whilst with the cover that work trumps everything, all the time.

I'm afraid I think YABVU, OP.

When you look at the threads on here about cocklodgers and useless husbands who dick about gaming/cycling/drinking instead of looking after their children, it's clear that a husband who works hard (either at home or at the office) is a bloody good thing to have around. Yes, he's working unpaid hours - but that's sometimes what you have to do if you want to make progress. Maybe that shouldn't be the case, but it is.

Your job at the moment is looking after the baby. There's no getting round the fact that it's crap due to lockdown, but wanting your husband to spend his working day doing stuff with you isn't the solution.

Have you thought about hiring a babysitter to give you some time to yourself, OP? Yes, it's an increased risk but it's allowed and if you're really struggling and your DH won't help...

In non-lockdown times, you could have friends and family round to help and you'd be able to get out of the house so it wouldn't be so draining.

I've not read the full text, so maybe some people have asked this already but, do you plan on taking the full year maternity leave? Do you get paid for the full year such as company maternity pay from your job? Is he working to bank money to facilitate something like this?

It felt like my husband was never here but if it weren't for him we'd have been up shit creek and I'd have had to have gone back between 6-9 months, but luckily I got the full 12 month.

I don't think his whereabouts matters.

I get it as in your dh is working over his hrs and not just 20 mins here and there.
My dh part wfh and he starts 7/7:30 finishes 6-7 pm at night , rarely has a lunch break and will sometimes do a couple hrs on a sat
Hes paid a salary and hrs are supposed to be 37 hrs he does more like 50 + and it does piss me off , i work 9-5 as well and then end up doing all housework in evenings as he working late.
I think too many companys expect to much nowadays especially when on a salary , if people worked out hourly rate , would prob be below min wage .
Op could have you spoken to dh about extra hrs he does a day my dh was surprised when we actually wrote down his start and finish times and is trying to stick to max 45 hrs a week ( still over but a compromise and he couldn't get done what he has to in 37 )

@Daisymaze

I work for the NHS : what's a lunch break ?

Something you have if you don't martyr yourself and work through them?

I think you mean something you have if you're happy to let people not get the healthcare they need because the NHS is massively underfunded and if you don't do it more people will be sick or die.

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma but we aren't talking about his working day - we are talking about a substantial chunk of time before his working day begins, and after his working day has ended.