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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

361 replies

JKDcot · 10/11/2020 18:03

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

OP posts:
ShimmyShimmyYa · 10/11/2020 20:39

i'd be hurt and pissed off if my partner did this. i suspect your husband could squeeze a bit of time away from his desk if he didnt have a baby! he's dodging the boring side of life and using work as the reason- he may not even realise he's doing it but he is.

choli · 10/11/2020 20:41

*You think it's ok for him to hide for 10 1/2 hours a day when he's being paid to work a typical week's work?

Either he's bad at his job or he's avoiding op and the baby*
Or maybe he is picking up the slack for team mates who think work from home means play with the baby and do housework.

Clymene · 10/11/2020 20:42

@willstarttomorrow

The assumptions and stereotypes in regards to fathers on this thread are really depressing. Late DH and my male colleagues and friends certainly take their responsibilities as parents very seriously and juggle the balance of work/home. Just like women do. I must live in a different universe. When I was at home on mat leave, I was more present and more fell to me when DH was at work. When we were both working full time then we negotiated. DH was more flexible and in lots of ways was the main carer 9-5. And when I got stuck at work during an emergency he got on with it. Mumsnet just seems to be full of contradictions and arguments at times. The dysfunctional parenting arrangements around working hours does not reflect the experiences of people I know in real life. No one on here seems to have had a conversation about how it will work if they return to work full time/part time/ or just stay at home.
My 'assumptions and stereotypes' are based on my lived experience. I'm sorry if you find it depressing. I do too.
LH1987 · 10/11/2020 20:42

I have a 5 month old and husband works from home now due to lockdown. He is in a reasonably high level role with a lot of responsibility.

He gets up at 5.30 and takes the baby so I can sleep, he takes the baby for a 45 lunch everyday and he goes for a family walk with me and baby at 5.30. He manages to to do his job well and support me.

Heyahun · 10/11/2020 20:43

Shocked at the amount of people who don’t take a lunch break and work late so regularly on here - why do you do it?

I absolutely always take my breaks and mostly leave on time! Any company I’ve worked at over the last 10 years we all take out breaks and go on time !
Life’s too short tbh you already give so much of your precious time to these companies -why allow them any more than your are contracted for

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 10/11/2020 20:43

I would not have this moved to parenting or relationships and you will get a more reasonable response. Frankly posters are writing nonsense

DinosaurGrrrrr · 10/11/2020 20:43

I think you are being unreasonable, if he’s working from home he’s working, he hasn’t dropped down to part time just because he’s physically in the house. You wouldn’t see him from 8-6 if he was in the office, so why do you think he should be doing stuff with you during the working day now? If you are bored go for a walk or something, he can’t go with you he’s not on mat leave too.

I have similar issues with my family I’m working from home at the moment, for some reason people think because you are physically there in the house you are there to do things. My mum was questioning why the house hadn’t been cleaned the other week when she dropped our children off after school, I pointed out I’m at work, not sat in the house doing nothing. My husband is the same, questions why the dishwasher hasn’t been done in the day, if my teams calls go over lunch I end up dashing to grab my lunch and returning to my office, no lunch break to clean! Half term was even worse (my husband is a teacher) he was in and out the room like I was just sat in there doing nothing. I had to point out I’m at work go away.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/11/2020 20:46

I would work out his hourly rate and then add up how many hours he has worked extra per day since he WFH. Lets say 2 hours early start and no lunch, so 2.5 hours a day is a conservative estimate.

Then present those figures to him and see what he says.

flaviaritt · 10/11/2020 20:46

You wouldn’t see him from 8-6 if he was in the office, so why do you think he should be doing stuff with you during the working day now?

Because you can bet that from 8-6 when he’s in the office he is able to take a lunch break, get a coffee, have a quick chat with a colleague etc. And if he was commuting from 7.30-8.30 and 5-6, he isn’t now. So why should he do two extra hours a day?

DillonPanthersTexas · 10/11/2020 20:47

I am quite precious about my personal time but I am also aware that sometimes you have to put some big shifts in to get a project over the line. Sure, it's not healthy to get into an unpaid overtime routine but the reality is that many jobs require it. Given the huge number of redundancies in the pipine people are probably a bit aware of how precarious employment is these days. For all the keyboard warriors taking the hard line that they would never work a minute outside of contracted hours just sound like people who have never worked in an office environment.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/11/2020 20:48

he hasn’t dropped down to part time just because he’s physically in the house

Since when is working your contracted hours being "part time"? THis attitude is everything that is wrong with working practices in the UK. People are paid for a standard 40 hour week but then considered to be slacking if they dont put in at least a couple of hours overtime every day.

DeadGood · 10/11/2020 20:50

“If he was at the office, wouldn't he be absent for the same hours?”

BUT HE ISN’T IN THE OFFICE.

sst1234 · 10/11/2020 20:51

Amazing how everyone here knows what OP’s husband’s job entails, how he can take time out during the day and how he just chooses not to. Surprised no one has advised her to leave him yet.

flaviaritt · 10/11/2020 20:52

For all the keyboard warriors taking the hard line that they would never work a minute outside of contracted hours just sound like people who have never worked in an office environment.

I have, and I still wouldn’t be putting in 2-3 hours a day unpaid. I remember my first few office jobs. I’d leave (sometimes) at the end of the working day and the people around me would stare like I was doing something wrong. But sod them. I had an hour’s commute, then when I got home I’d cook some food, watch TV and go to sleep. I wasn’t leaving at lunchtime. I did my hours.

Pyewhacket · 10/11/2020 20:53

I work for the NHS : what's a lunch break ?.

Biden20 · 10/11/2020 20:55

Haven't read the full thread but I think people are underestimating how hard it is having a tiny baby in Covid / lockdown. All the usual groups, classes etc are cancelled and even meeting a friend for a coffee is banned, so it's very claustrophobic and repetitive day to day for the mum, and hard for new mums to get a mental break. That's on top of health visitors no longer actually visiting and all the usual tiredness and health issues that come with postpartum life.

I think you should try and talk to him about an initial bit of work life balance compromise. Eg taking baby for a bit each evening before bath time. Xx

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2020 20:58

You wouldn’t see him from 8-6 if he was in the office, so why do you think he should be doing stuff with you during the working day now?
So the two hours a day he's saving cos he isn't commuting, you think he should get to spend them sitting in his office chilling not with his young baby and partner who is struggling?

how he can take time out during the day If he is genuinely working 50+ hours a week then they need to have a talk about how work is impacting on their family and his health potentially. Or he's hiding because he ""deserves some time before work to chill"" and ""he should spend his commute time alone"" and he ""shouldn't have to look at his kid over his lunch break"" and he ""should get his commute time alone"" and he ""deserves time after work to chill because he works so hard and op just sits around staring at a baby all day.""

Daisymaze · 10/11/2020 20:58

I work for the NHS : what's a lunch break ?

Something you have if you don't martyr yourself and work through them?

Betsyboo87 · 10/11/2020 20:59

I have a 4 month old and DH working in the spare room. When DH comes out to get a coffee he’ll always make a fuss of DS for 10mins so I can sort washing, shower, eat etc. If he can he’ll take a 30min lunch that we have together. I really appreciate these little breaks throughout the day and they do make a difference when you can’t see anyone else.

I understand what ops are saying about if covid hadn’t happened. However if he doesn’t come out of the room at all then I sympathise. Surely if he was in the office he wouldn’t be chained to his desk all day?

ArcheryAnnie · 10/11/2020 21:01

Presenteeism is a curse, and doesn't lead to greater productivity.

Your DH has responsibilities not just to his employers, but to his family, too. If he is paid to work 9 am to 5 pm then it is reasonable that he focusses on that during those hours.. It's also reasonable that he occasionally works a little bit outside those hours, as people usually do. But 7.30 am to 6 pm is wildly unreasonable, and he needs to step up and do some parenting.

Don't ask him, OP. Tell him. Go into his office and put his son in his arms at 5.15 if he's not out of there by then. Or pass him his son in the mornings, and go out for a lovely long walk until 8.30 am.

You had a child together. He shouldn't get to choose whether he actually does any parenting or not.

AIBAthief · 10/11/2020 21:05

My response was based off the clear subtext of OPs first message.

She’s seen what DH does all day and assumed it isn’t important or valued and that he should choose instead to spend that time with her and the baby. On top of this her life has been curtailed by lockdown so she’s really struggling too. She’s added these two things up and doesn’t understand why her DH doesn’t want to laugh his work off and spend time with her and the baby.

And the posters saying he should hold the baby whilst she goes to the loo or has something to eat. Why do you still insist on infantilising women. I’ve had 4 kids, I went for a wee when I needed one. I got something to eat when I needed to. Put the baby down for the 60 seconds it takes to make a sandwich or have a wee. Chuck them in a sling, put them in a bouncer or playmate. Are we really still throwing ourselves on the fires of martyrdom?

Minibea · 10/11/2020 21:05

I think you’ve got some super harsh responses here OP. I’d be annoyed too if you’re struggling and he could theoretically be helping you, giving you a bit of company on occasion etc and is choosing not to. My DH is WFH on and off and we had discussions during lockdown #1 about him shutting himself away for the whole day. We agreed that he’d come down for an hour at lunch and help make it, clear up etc so that DD and I saw him. He’s now got a lot better now at balancing WFH with life. It’s hard for you being at home with a baby all the time, he should recognise that and give you a bit of relief

LarryUnderwood · 10/11/2020 21:07

@CarrotCakeSupprise

I understand you exactly (DD was 3 months in lockdown one) and you're not unreasonable at all.

Doing his work is entirely right. Doing masses of overtime while you break apart isn't.

You need to really tell him you're not coping. If he still doesn't prioritise you you have a problem, but I suspect he's decent, but oblivious.

Exactly this. Talk to him. He should at the least be around before 8.30 and its not unreasonable for him to also take a lunch break and spend it with you/helping out and finish at his contracted time especially when you have a young baby.
Lowkeevslucille · 10/11/2020 21:08

@DeadGood

“If he was at the office, wouldn't he be absent for the same hours?”

BUT HE ISN’T IN THE OFFICE.

so what? If he's still paid to do the same job, he's expected to do the same hours.

If he was in the office, he would be absent for LONGER or would have to catch up in the evening...

ArcheryAnnie · 10/11/2020 21:09

Are we really still throwing ourselves on the fires of martyrdom?

I think you are, AIBAthief, if you think that the answer to having a baby with a man who is physically present but does fuck-all is to do everything yourself.