How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

[quote MessAllOver]@Lowkeevslucille. My point was about what I would like to do when I return to full- time hours next year. Not really enamoured with the thought of doing a 40+ hour week then getting landed with dinner, bath and bedtime every day as well because OH can't get his arse out of the office to come home and help.[/quote]
Surely you need to organise your days in advance? Most parents have to split the days and share. It's easier to manage 2 early days out of the office than an entire week. So half the week will be his turn to pick up from whatever childcare you are using and take care of the evening?

“He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding. “

Wow.

I’m sure he’d be thrilled to hear you talk about him and his job like this.

Ive worked with me who openly admitted they worked well after 5pm to dodge child related duties, avoid teatime & bath time. It wasn’t uncommon.
I really don’t think a 20 mins walk at dinner or eating lunch with you occasionally is a big ask.

Both me and my husband are working at home we have lunch and go for a walk together every day!

Sometimes we work slightly late - but mostly finish on time

I love these posts. No one knows what job YOU are doing, what job the OP's DH is doing, what salary YOU earn, what salary the OP NEEDS to earn, what your level and industry can be.

It's as stupid as saying that because you work during the day, no one should do night shifts as you manage to avoid them

5 months is a really tough time. You’re exhausted, the novelty has worn off. You’ve had a crazy year to do the new baby thing and when you would normally be snorting all over your baby group friends and sharing white night stories and making each other laugh, your stuck at home feeling lonely. Explain this to your DH. Try and make some plans to meet other mums for a walk with baby in the pram. Find some adult contact that is real. And go easy on yourself.

@Lowkeevslucille. Apparently he'll try but it's going to be "very difficult" to get home by 7 . Hence why I am offering him the option of outsourcing "his" evenings to a contractor.

Jeez sorry for all the typos, but you get the drift.

You’re exhausted, the novelty has worn off.

The novelty wore off for me by week 3!!!

Dh and I were both holed up in separate rooms working 8.30 - 6 with no or a snatched lunch break. ( kids are teens and at school/ sport etc). We have made a plan that we go out for a lunch date once a week , it is blocked out in our diaries. Well we did before lockdown 2. It was working well. Perhaps start small with him having lunch with you once or twice a week?

If he was physically at work he couldn't help you. I assume that's why you're on maternity leave or whatever and he isn't.

Many people don't take lunch breaks/work late as they have work to do. You're wanting company and help but pre-COVID you wouldn't have had that.

What time would he have left for work and what time would he have returned home?

I WFH now and when I'm working that's what I'm doing. I'm not there to help out with other stuff. If I was in the office I wouldn't have time for lunch either, work through, get it done, get home. That said I'm well paid for what I do, I wouldn't do it for average pay unless I was wanting a promotion.

Maybe he wants a promotion. Or you could swap roles and you work a d he cares for baby.

The assumptions and stereotypes in regards to fathers on this thread are really depressing. Late DH and my male colleagues and friends certainly take their responsibilities as parents very seriously and juggle the balance of work/home. Just like women do. I must live in a different universe. When I was at home on mat leave, I was more present and more fell to me when DH was at work. When we were both working full time then we negotiated. DH was more flexible and in lots of ways was the main carer 9-5. And when I got stuck at work during an emergency he got on with it. Mumsnet just seems to be full of contradictions and arguments at times. The dysfunctional parenting arrangements around working hours does not reflect the experiences of people I know in real life. No one on here seems to have had a conversation about how it will work if they return to work full time/part time/ or just stay at home.

I would be concerned that he doesn't seem to be taking the opportunity while he is working from home to spend more time with you and the baby. Ideally that's something he should want to do. If he is a supportive, involved parent at weekends, that's not too bad though. It's not nice the way you look at his job though - "He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding." Not everyone is suited to being nurse, doctor, teacher. Also we need corporate sector to pay taxes to fund the nurses/doctors/teachers. Plus corporate sector does valuable stuff too ... and some people find it rewarding...

Like you said OP, if he doesn't make growth in his work they would fire him, he's probably under a lot of pressure already? a job is a job a lot of people right now are lucky to have 1! It's not that he prioritises work over you both but the fact if he doesn't meet the demands which would mean him working those "free, uncontracted hours" the domino effect of him having no job could be much worse?
YANBU for being upset, feeling alone and stressed though - 5 months old is a hard time especially if they've had the 4 months sleep regression.
Have you had a calm sit down talk together?

Many jobs require extra hours beyond the contracted ones, with no overtime. That's been the case for me, and I'm sure many others, especially this year. Add the pressure of being laid off due to COVID, providing for a family and other internal factors that we may not be aware of - new supervisor/manager, additional duties due to department layoffs, performance assessment etc. and someone can easily work an additional hour or two daily.

And to say that his job is not important or rewarding because it's corporate...just wow. If a man said a woman's job was unimportant or unrewarding, he 'd be crucified here.

[quote MessAllOver]@Lowkeevslucille. Apparently he'll try but it's going to be "very difficult" to get home by 7 . Hence why I am offering him the option of outsourcing "his" evenings to a contractor.[/quote]
It does depend on your circumstances.

To be fair, for me (or DH) to be home by 7 means leaving the office by 5pm (pre-covid, trains are even worst these days but anwyay). Despite that mythical MN "9 to 5" it really is not that easy to do 5 days a week in most offices.

Childminders and au-pairs can be relatively flexible, nurseries fine you for every 5 or 10 minutes late (fair enough, the staff can't be kept on all night)

It has nothing to do with corporate, I have teachers or civil servant friends who would struggle just as much to be home early.

Which is why I personally found it easier to make it an actual obligation, because one of us had to do it. Merely asking for help wouldn't have gone us far.

YANBU at all. He has saved on commuting time, so can take a lunch break and a social break during his working day. Assuming of course that he is contactable if work actually needs him.

is it the stereotypical bloke thing? took ages of lockdown to persuade dh that it wasn't just my job to get kids out of the door (we both work) and now he occasionally has to admit to his zoom meetings buddies he has kids and duck out for 5. but op i guess as you're actually there ...maybe he sees it as 'your' job??

Maybe when discuss it with him, explain it to him that he is effectively taking spare time away from you, and giving it to his employer (in exchange for.... Nothing it seems?)

It's difficult when you're given too much work and expected to do it. Is that even the case though, or is he just too slow at work? Maybe working so long every day he has changed his mindset to one with a lack of urgency.

I agree with you. He needs to give priority to his home responsibilities too.

I don’t think it’s uncommon for those now working from home to feel under pressure to keep their jobs and prove themselves by working a bit more.

You’re totally within your right to ask him not to work any overtime. But even if he didn’t, 9am-5pm is a long time for you to be by yourself alone with a baby. If you live in the U.K. you’re allowed to meet one other adult with a baby or pre-school child outside. The point of that government rule is to alleviate loneliness in parents with young children. It’s too much to expect your DH to prevent you from being lonely. Maybe you should try meeting other new mums through apps like Mush.

In today's economic climate, if he doesn't prioritize work during office hours he's going to find himself out on his ear and then where will you be as a family?
I'm sorry op, but times are tough and I think he should safeguard his job which means, whether his is working from home or not, you are the fallback parent and will have to do most of it.
When and if you go back to work. hopefully a different dynamic will emerge. I know how hard it would be being the sahp under these conditions but I would advlse, in today's climate, that he keeps his eyes firmly on what's happening in the work place. Things can change so fast. He may well be feeling very stressed himself, feeling that it is down to him to keep his little family afloat and having no idea how these lockdowns will impact the company he works for.

YABU. Surely 7:30 - 6pm are at least the hours he'd be out of the house if commuting I assume? If he's that busy on calls and meetings everyday its probably impossible for him to predict when its possible to eat lunch (due to last minute calls etc) let alone take an extra 20-30 mins to sit around during the day. Most people don't take lunch where I work - just pop out to get food and then carry on at desk / meetings.

Your DH is not at home, he's at work, he wouldn't be available if he was in the office so complaining doesn't seem fair to me.

Op it must be difficult with a baby at this point in time. I found my maternity leave (7 years ago now) isolating and boring at times, so in the current climate it must be even more so.

It would be great if your DH could take lunch with you both or cut down the extra hours. I just wanted to suggest there might be reasons for him doing the extra. Maybe he’s concerned about the security of his position? Maybe he’s looking to be promoted? It might not be fair to say he’s not prioritising you - maybe he’s trying to prioritise financial security for you all?

My hubby is WFH and he starts early but has half an hour break at lunchtime so we can sit and have a sandwich and a chat before he goes back to work (or upstairs at the moment)....😊

When it's his contracted hours, you should treat him as though he isn't there. But I do wonder if he is doing the unpaid overtime as a way of shirking family duties, and that isn't right.
I think there's no harm in asking.

YABU. Surely 7:30 - 6pm are at least the hours he'd be out of the house if commuting

But he’s not.