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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

172 replies

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 12:29

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

OP posts:

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 10/11/2020 17:45

YANBU.

Your DP is either tremblingly insecure, or controlling, or possessive or jealous.

None of these make for a great relationship.

The fact is you don't like being told who you can and cannot be friends with, so even if he does have some kind of justification for his response, it isn't making you happy, so i isn't the right relationship for you.

I see many posts from women on MN who have demanded that new partners immediately delete contacts for anyone they have ever slept with and don't want any social mixing. They find it 'disrespectful'.

I find it pathetic, insecure and unrealistic, so anyone who wanted me to do this would not be the right partner for me. But clearly some couples have mutual agreement on this - fine.

There are clues that your DP is not merely 'sensitive' but a controlling bully. Ditch him, live your life on your terms.

StrippedFridge · 10/11/2020 17:50

This attitude is a huge red flag for his own behaviour with other women.

The logic is like this. He thinks that if you are friends with men they will try to get into your pants. He thinks that you might be up for it. He thinks that women who hang out with men know the men are trying to sleep with them hence it is disrespectful of you to be friendly with them. I wonder why he and his friends think that about men's intentions, eh?

keeprocking · 10/11/2020 17:56

@CodenameVillanelle

Ditch the controlling scary partner and renew the friendship.

If it were a man posting that he wanted to go to an ex girl-friend's party would he be treated the same or would the expectation be that he obeys his new partner's wishes?

GarlicSoup · 10/11/2020 17:57

@CodenameVillanelle

Ditch the controlling scary partner and renew the friendship.

^ This

Don’t let your partner dictate to you or he will keep on doing it.

SunshineCake · 10/11/2020 17:58

@earthyfire

I'm in the minority here but I probably wouldn't go out of respect to my partner, it would be different if you didn't have a past with the guy I suppose. I just don't think I'd upset my partner and cause a rift in my relationship over an ex who is now getting married to someone else anyway.

This man doesn't deserve respect. He is controlling and makes threats. Can't think why the OP stays with him.

JaffaCake70 · 10/11/2020 18:00

[quote confusedx3]@JaffaCake70 I mean, judging by all the different responses on here this situation is clearly not as black and white as you would seemingly like to portray. I felt I wasnt being unreasonable wanting to resume this friendship and questioning my relationship over it. plenty would think its unreasonable - I wanted some strength in the way I feel hence why I came on here! no need to be so nasty.[/quote]
Nasty? What have I said that you deem nasty? Please tell, as I had no intention to be nasty.

BeaMends · 10/11/2020 18:02

@confusedx3

he didnt have a friendship with his ex, they used to get drunk at events and on nights out we were all at and have massive shouting matches that were embarrassing for all involved. she made me feel incredibly uncomfortable tbh but because I trust my partner I put up with it. they were in a romantic relationship for a few years and by all accounts, he was obsessed with her. I was not and have never been in love/in lust/obsessed or any other word for my ex friend. I miss him greatly as a friend. he was and as far as I can tell, still is a wonderful wonderful person who is going to make his new fiancee very happy. it's a shame that my partner can not see past his own jealousy.

Haven't RTFT, but from my point of view, I'd be wondering whether I still wanted to be in a relationship with someone as jealous and controlling as your partner seems to be.

You are not his private property.

JaffaCake70 · 10/11/2020 18:12

@keeprocking

Well said!

Original poster

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 18:14

it's wrong from either side, which is why I have never done it to him or any other partner. hes not my ex btw.

OP posts:

Mittens030869 · 10/11/2020 18:23

I think if the roles were reversed and it was a woman coming on here worrying about her partner having contact with a female friend who he’d slept with once, ten years ago, who had invited him to her engagement party, she would be told that she was being paranoid and controlling. This is AIBU, where people are given straight answers if they’re being ridiculous.

billy1966 · 10/11/2020 18:29

OP,

I'm really glad you have stated clearly that you are going to this party.

I appreciate that you have received conflicting advice her but I would remind you of just one point....

He thinks he can insist on you not seeing an ex that I would desxribe as a skirmish whilst you saw weekly his Ex.

This is so not on.

This is such an unhealthy relationship.

The fact that his family and friends are of a similar mindset should also give you pause.

He and his circle are members of the dregs of society.

Don't lay down roots with him and his ilk.

NightIbble · 10/11/2020 20:31

I can't believe that there are people on here saying that to want to control who your partner is friends with is an understandable boundary!

Original poster

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 21:31

@NightIbble I know, I'm glad I stuck to my original thoughts on it. it was reassuring to see the bast majority didnt think I was being unreasonable though as its bolstered me to tell my partner I plan on going.

OP posts:

SpongeWorthy · 10/11/2020 21:43

Are you planning on addressing the wider issues in the relationship? You don't seem happy with him in general and life is too short to be in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship.

wildraisins · 11/11/2020 07:49

Definitely not unreasonable to feel the way you feel, OP. But actually kind of unreasonable to just send him a message saying you’re going without talking about it properly. That is of course likely to result in arguments. Just explain the deeper issues and break up with him.

Original poster

confusedx3 · 11/11/2020 09:12

I've had enough of talking about why I should justify my friendships. I'm going and hes not happy about it but tough. sometimes in life you have to do things for yourself and not worry about other people.

OP posts:

StrippedFridge · 11/11/2020 09:24

Stand firm in the face of sad puppy eyes. Expect punishment and sabotage. Good luck.

BoyTree · 11/11/2020 21:09

I'm so glad you're going - all this talk about whether your partner wants you to or whether you need to be responsible for the feelings of your friend or his fiancee and none of it matters as much as whether YOU want to go. You do, and you can! You are an adult and you don't have to give any second-guessing about anyone else's feelings priority over your own! I hope you have a good time!

billy1966 · 11/11/2020 23:09

@StrippedFridge

Stand firm in the face of sad puppy eyes. Expect punishment and sabotage. Good luck.

OP, Expect drama. And lots of it from him id you attent this wedding.

You are not in a healthy relationship.

There are likely to be consequences.

He's a nasty bully.

Mind yourself.

BluebellsGreenbells · 11/11/2020 23:25

I would watch out for an attempt to stop you going, illness, car won’t start, lack of cash .... majorly family drama.

wildraisins · 12/11/2020 03:33

@confusedx3

Sure. Totally agree.

Maybe after the party and when you are less annoyed, reflect on whether this relationship is actually what you're want. You're only going to carry on feeling annoyed about his insecurities which he cannot change.

Your partner isn't just "other people"... he's your partner... someone you presumably at some point fell in love with and care for deeply. If you're not worried about his feelings then your relationship does not sound like a very happy one.

Pearshaped20 · 12/11/2020 06:22

I think your ex has moved on emotionally and therefore feels comfortable enough to be able to invite you. If he still had strong feelings I doubt he would invite you to the biggest day in his life. Your controlling partner is the worry for me, it's not like you're going to see your ex on your own its a social event, and anyway he's your friend. I'd tell your partner to lump it, especially if he has contact with his exes. Double standards and controlling behaviour is not a good mix...

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