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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

172 replies

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 12:29

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 10/11/2020 13:19

The alarm bells for me are partly over your friend being scared of him - is he scary? Aggressive? He doesn't sound nice, I'm afraid.

pastandpresent · 10/11/2020 13:20

It maybe over for you and him, but if his bride found out, she may feel different. So, I agree with your dh that you shouldn't go. It's not like you have been really close friends for years.

Shoxfordian · 10/11/2020 13:26

Your partner sounds very controlling. Are you scared of his reactions as well if you displease him?

yvanka · 10/11/2020 13:26

Does he think you're going to shag your friend again? At his engagement party? He's being silly.

Hellomoonstar · 10/11/2020 13:27

I personally would have not gone.

You are no longer close to this person that makes your dh feel insecure. Feelings are not always rational. Why do you want your dh to feel insecure? I would understand it more if your old friend was a current friend he is asking you to avoid.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 13:30

we were close friends for years though - the friendship came to a gradual end in 2018 after my partner royally kicked off. he knows about it because him and my ex friend have mutual mates.

I also acknowledge what people are saying about I shouldnt stay friends with him. I was a teenager/early 20s and I was young and silly. I didnt take the feelings my friend claimed he had seriously and thought it was more because I was one of the first people he had done anything sexual with. even now, I dont think it was true love but more lust.

his current partner already knows and is aware of the invitation to my knowledge.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 10/11/2020 13:30

Silly man.

He needs to learn that when a woman  appreciates and cherishes  good men among her longterm friends,  The One she chose  is the main benefactor.

If he is a good man he too will always be appreciated and admired, and he should cherish and enjoy her in return. .

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 13:31

@Hellomoonstar it's more that I dont want to be told who I can and cannot talk to.

OP posts:
LaBodDelMed · 10/11/2020 13:34

Your current partner is a controlling arse, and I think it’s fair to say your old friend has moved on if he’s engaged to someone else.
So I would definitely go the party, tell your partner to grow up and rekindle the friendship.

NightIbble · 10/11/2020 13:37

I'm still friends with 90% of my exes and went to the wedding of the person I lost my virginity to! DH and I regularly go to the pub (or did) with him and his wife and DH has zero problems with this. I would be very worried if he did!

HollowTalk · 10/11/2020 13:38

Do you have children with this awful man?

Trixie18 · 10/11/2020 13:45

I don't think you can assume because he has proposed to someone else that his feelings have died. Why would he invite you to the party, it's a bit odd? You don't speak anymore as you made it clear how your partner felt.
I had an old flame from when I was a teenager and 20 odd years later (after we'd both been married to others and had children) confessed his feelings hadn't changed. Maybe it would be kinder to his new partner not to go. Your OH is an arse though, he has no right to dictate who your friends are although I can see why he's upset. I think it may not be you he doesn't trust but this other guys possible unresolved feelings.

Reinga · 10/11/2020 13:47

Dont let anyone dictate to you who you can and can't talk to. Your partner is entitled to tell you he feels uncomfortable about a situation and discuss it with you but he doesn't get to be "furious" about it.
Good friendships are so important. Get back in touch with your friend, celebrate his engagement and dont let petty jealousy come between you again.

DontCryForMeNextdoorNeighbour · 10/11/2020 13:49

Your DP sounds awful, definitely not normal, the relationship does not sound healthy at all.

AgreeableEagle · 10/11/2020 13:50

@CoRhona

I actually don't think you should go, not because of your partner who is being an arse but because your friend developed stronger feelings for you. Let him go and move on with his partner.
I sort of agree with this too, but perhaps from the perspective of why has your friend invited you now when you've been out of touch for a while? Is he inviting you because he wants your friendship back or is he wanting another chance to see you to convince himself he's making the right decision? That's an entirely different can of worms.

Your DP is an idiot though and I'd be seriously considering my relationship if this was me.

user115632569541 · 10/11/2020 13:50

Your partner is controlling and a bully. Why the hell are you still with him?

pastandpresent · 10/11/2020 13:51

I don't think it's to do with control issue. Feeling is irrational. Even you trust the partner, they may feel unexplainable jealousy against partner's past. Not everyone have same control over how they feel.

lastqueenofscotland · 10/11/2020 13:51

I would dump the controlling arse

Trixie18 · 10/11/2020 13:51

It's proper making me laugh all the people on here saying your OH is controlling and vile. I've seen plenty of threads on here where women complain their OH is still in touch with an ex and the comments are always 'well I wouldn't put up with that'. Appreciate it's not really an ex but even so some double standards going on here 🤣🤣

AryaStarkWolf · 10/11/2020 13:55

@Trixie18

It's proper making me laugh all the people on here saying your OH is controlling and vile. I've seen plenty of threads on here where women complain their OH is still in touch with an ex and the comments are always 'well I wouldn't put up with that'. Appreciate it's not really an ex but even so some double standards going on here 🤣🤣
The situation is slightly different and the major difference in this case is that her OH thinks is perfectly fine for him to stay friends with his own actual ex but not the other way round
stickygotstuck · 10/11/2020 13:58

You shouldn't have left the friendship fade, OP. Sounds like you were good friends for years and let your DP spoil that friendship. That was an error of judgement.

Don't make another one. If your friend thought of you to be one of the people to celebrate his engagement with, go to the party, congratulate him and his fiancée and hope your friendship can come back intact from your previous mistake.

And yes, your DP is being controlling. Now is your chance to stop him in his tracks.

BTW, I don't understand why some PP are saying you shouldn't go and have nothing to gain. You do, you can get back a good friend, who's reached out to you after a lull in the friendship. That's so important.

RealBecca · 10/11/2020 13:59

**it's more that I dont want to be told who I can and cannot talk to.

So don't be.

Your husband isn't worried you'll sleep with him, he's asserting himself that you are his possession. That's all.

Tell him you're going, you don't want to hear another word about it and if he brings it up again you're walking away from him. No second chance. Assert yourself, we can't do it for you.

Mmn654123 · 10/11/2020 14:02

I think best to back away from your friend for his sake - he's got stronger feelings for you than you have for him and if the friendship has faded, let it.

And then insist your partner cut his ex out of his life. Fair's fair, after all......

TurquoiseDragon · 10/11/2020 14:02

@pastandpresent

I don't think it's to do with control issue. Feeling is irrational. Even you trust the partner, they may feel unexplainable jealousy against partner's past. Not everyone have same control over how they feel.
It's not the OP's job to fix that jealousy.

And jealousy can and does lead to controlling behaviour, which is why OP needs to nip it in the bud now. Because if OP gives in to this, what's the next thing her DP will be jealous about?

Bluejewel · 10/11/2020 14:02

The line that jumped out at me was when you said you thought your friend was scared of your partner - I’m not sure I’d wanted a scary partner OP .... is there more to this ?