Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

172 replies

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 12:29

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

OP posts:
D4rwin · 10/11/2020 14:02

I think it is important that you draw a line here. You want to wish an old friend well in their new life and congratulate them. That's reasonable. Your partner is being unreasonable about what is a very normal situation. He might have some sort of history but that's his problem to work on. How he deals with it might impact on your future relationship, I'd tell him as much that you've thought it through, that it's something you feel is perfectly reasonable, you understand he feels uncomfortable but you want him to move on. But I would act how you want as it's not as though you're changing anything about the relationship or what you bring to it!

Mmn654123 · 10/11/2020 14:03

It's very likely that by letting the friendship fade, your friend has been able to move on. He's found someone, don't risk destabilising his life.

But don't tell your partner that's why. Insist he do the same and cut out his ex and see how he reacts. If he refuses, kick up merry hell.

Trisolaris · 10/11/2020 14:07

Either

Staying friends with exes is a boundary for him, in which case he shouldn’t be friends with his ex

Or

Staying friends with exes is fine to him in which case he is friends with his and you are with yours.

Either situation would be fine for different couples. What is not fine is

  1. the fact that he intimidated your friend

  2. the fact that it’s one rule for him and a different for you

Serious red flags 🚩

incognitomum · 10/11/2020 14:09

Dh and I are friends with our ex spouses. Even had days out separately with our own older dcs.

Lalastepmum · 10/11/2020 14:11

Trust me the control will not stop there

Jenstar123 · 10/11/2020 14:12

I can see where your partners coming from. How would you feel about him being friends with woman he slept with in the past and claimed to be in love with him? Also how would your ex friends fiancé feel about you turning up to the engagement party and does she even know the history? It seems a bit odd that you have got an invite after not being in contact for a few years and the party can’t even be arranged yet because of Covid...Is the invite for you and your partner? If not and it’s just for you then no I wouldn’t go, that is quite disrespectful towards your partner and I would question your ex friends motives.

Oreservoir · 10/11/2020 14:13

Do you have any male friends at all?
How is your dp when you are around other men?

Jenstar123 · 10/11/2020 14:14

(Sorry just re-read your part about your partner being friends with his ex’s.)

Oreservoir · 10/11/2020 14:15

@Jenstar123 I suggest you rtft.He is friends with an ex and the other guys fiancée knows the history.

Jux · 10/11/2020 14:20

Please do not appease your current partner. In what other ways do you appease him? Has your behaviour changed drastically whilst you've been with him? Have you changed to accommodate him just because it's easier, you can't take the hassle, he gets angry.......?

fruitbrewhaha · 10/11/2020 14:21

Your partner is an arsehole.

Please get rid of him.

Don't have children with him. He is lying when he says everyone would feel this way. Plenty people are still in touch with old boyfriends or even ex husbands. It's clear he is not actually concerned this guy is still into you or you into him. He is controlling you.

Enjoy the party, perhaps you'll meet someone else there.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 14:22

nope, he does a funny face if I mention any of my old males friends and calls them "weirdos". a lot of my friends used to be men. not anymore. I dont really feel like I am responsible for how my partner sees things though? I know people he has slept with in the past and because I trust him it doesnt bother me. as I already said the only one in was concerned about was his ex girlfriend because he was obsessed with her for a long time. I never had feelings for my friends so I dont understand what hes worried about.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 10/11/2020 14:24

Does he still see his ex? If so why not say to him, OK you stop seeing your ex and I won't go to the party, see how he likes that?

Jux · 10/11/2020 14:24

@Trixie18

It's proper making me laugh all the people on here saying your OH is controlling and vile. I've seen plenty of threads on here where women complain their OH is still in touch with an ex and the comments are always 'well I wouldn't put up with that'. Appreciate it's not really an ex but even so some double standards going on here 🤣🤣
Most of the threads I've seen like that, the OP is told to grow up.
SimonJT · 10/11/2020 14:26

There are a few things I have absolutely no room for in a relationship, jealous and control are two of them.

If my partner tried to control who I was friends with he wouldn’t be my partner anymore.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 14:28

no, we don't see his ex anymore. they weren't really friends, she was just part of the friendship group. it was very awkward for me when we first got together actually because at events, especially after a few drinks, they used to have massive shouting matches. she was at every event we went to and most of the nights out so I had to put up with seeing her most weekends. he was obsessed with this girl for years before I met him. I put up with it because I trusted him and was confident enough in myself that i didn't feel threatened. I also figured if he left me for her or cheated or whatever then it would show me who he really was and although I obviously would of been upset then he wouldnt be the one for me. I really dont understand people who claim to trust their partner but dont see it like this. your part or should be able to be in a room with anyone and if you're even slightly concerned they could cheat/develop feelings for someone you shouldnt be together surely?

OP posts:
wildraisins · 10/11/2020 14:28

You're not being unreasonable, but neither is your partner.

Your partner is effectively telling you that he wants a monogamous relationship and needs complete security within that. You want to be friends with someone who had feelings for you and you did sleep with him, so you obviously felt something for him at some point.

I can see this from both sides. You understabdably want the friendship, but also you can't blame your partner for asserting his wants/ needs. If you love your partner then you need to be listening to what he is telling you, which is that this is making him feel insecure.

I don't think it's an equal comparison to his ex girlfriend who was in your extended friendship group. It sounds like this guy of yours is not in any other related friendship groups so direct contact with you is the only reason to be around. Your partner's ex was part of a whole group and that is more complicated.

Honestly, you just have to look at this in terms of needs and wants in a relationship and not in terms of who is right or wrong.

If you can't give your partner what he needs (i.e. the security of not having to deal with your relationship with this guy who obviously had/ has strong feelings for you)... then you need to think about what your priorities are and if you two should really be together. If these kinds of friendships with other guys are a need of yours then perhaps you ought to find a partner who is more secure with that. Don't make your current partner suffer through it.

SunshineCake · 10/11/2020 14:29

YANBU to want the friendship back. YABVerySilly to stay with this controlling prick another day.

wildraisins · 10/11/2020 14:31

I would also add... it is awful when a relationship becomes a battle about who is the more secure partner, who should be OK with this or who was OK with that.

At the end of the day you are both who you are and you have your needs. If it doesn't fit then you have to find something that does x

Jenstar123 · 10/11/2020 14:32

That is quite different his ex happening to at events because she was in the same friendship group to actively having a friendship with someone you slept with. I can still see why your partner would not be keen on the idea, especially if your partner isn’t invited to the engagement with you.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 14:36

I would say actually I would of been the one who would have more grounds to feel insecure actually in the circumstances considering he had such strong feelings for her. as it goes I like to be able to trust and respect people i am in a relationship with. like I said, if someone cheats or develops feelings for someone else you probably shouldnt be together.

again, I didnt have romantic feelings for my friend. I was drunk and 16 years old. nothing had consequences when I was that age. or at least I didnt think so at the time. didnt think it would cost me my friendship nearly 10 years down the line.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 10/11/2020 14:40

Having drunken not emotionally involved sec at 16 is not what cost you to lose the friendship.

Your choosing to put up with controlling shite from this current arsehole a decade on, is what cost you the friendship.

Go to the engagement party? Maybe, maybe not - whatever.

Ditch the current boyfriend? Absolutely.

Cocomarine · 10/11/2020 14:41

Posted too soon! All the whole you’re thinking in terms of an act 10 years ago being a cause in any way, you’re not putting the blame where it should be: with your arsehole hypocrite of a boyfriend.

ClementineWoolysocks · 10/11/2020 14:42

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isn't comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy.

What did he mean by the bolded part? If anyone reading this thinks it's anything other than threatening and controlling behaviour then you need to have a word with yourself.
My other half is very good friends with someone he used to date, I like her too. I'd never threaten him with anything if he didn't stop their friendship. That's just bullshit.

wildraisins · 10/11/2020 14:45

@confusedx3

I would say actually I would of been the one who would have more grounds to feel insecure actually in the circumstances considering he had such strong feelings for her. as it goes I like to be able to trust and respect people i am in a relationship with. like I said, if someone cheats or develops feelings for someone else you probably shouldnt be together.

again, I didnt have romantic feelings for my friend. I was drunk and 16 years old. nothing had consequences when I was that age. or at least I didnt think so at the time. didnt think it would cost me my friendship nearly 10 years down the line.

The problem is when you start saying you have "more grounds" to feel something. The truth is that you both feel what you feel, and in all feelings are valid. Yours and his.

Insecurity isn't the same as a lack of trust. I trust my partner but still wouldn't like it if he was seeing someone he'd been intimate with in the past. That's just me and how I am, and it's OK. I found a partner who is compatible with that.

Your partner isn't doing anything wrong by feeling insecure. You just have to decide what you're going to do with that information. Shouting him down about his feelings isn't going to get you anywhere.

Really you have a few choices:

  • Stop being friends with this guy (your partner feels more secure but you lose the friendship).
  • Ignore your partner's wishes and keep being friends with the guy (not a great basis for a relationship and will probably result in arguments and problems).
  • Acknowledge your partner's needs, but also acknowledge that you have different needs and they don't match. Break up with him and find someone who is OK with you seeing your friend.
Swipe left for the next trending thread