my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

[confusedx3]

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

I think your partner is being an insecure, controlling twat. People can and do have perfectly normal platonic relationships with people they once had something more with. In fact, I've stayed friends with several exes. In one case, I'm now close friends with one of said exes wives (actually I talk to her a lot more than I talk to my ex). Dh and I were invited to their wedding, and it was lovely and not weird at all because we didn't make it weird. We have both moved on in life (we were in a relationship in our 20s, now both early 40s) and are very happy with our partners and children. There's no funny business and it's all very above board.

I think if dh had kicked off about my friendship with him when we first started dating, I don't think our relationship would have survived. But dh knows I'm very loyal, trusts me wholeheartedly, and is just generally a secure guy with a normal level of self-esteem. If he'd threatened a friend of mine, I would have dropped him like a sack of potatoes back when we were dating though.

It may be weird to be invited and to go to their engagement party if you have this now weird history with your partner causing problems for both of you and the fact that you haven't spoken in a long time. But it isn't necessarily strange or unhealthy to have nurtured the friendship to begin with. It would be a red flag for me with your partner though.

sounds like he gets to be controlling to me and I have to lump it because his feelings are more important tbh. sounds like a bit of a cop out

I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling

Because he is. I would absolutely in no way stand for this shit. I am good friends with an ex of mine and my subsequent partners had no issue with this as they were adults. I would not be in a relationship with the sort of immature, insecure person who could not handle this.

This is surprising given the amount of threads about how everyone's dh can't have female friends wthou having an affair

I also have no problem with an ex partner being good friends with a former fiance of his, in fact I liked her enormously. I was not insecure about as she was well- Ex and I was current.

@confusedx3

sounds like he gets to be controlling to me and I have to lump it because his feelings are more important tbh. sounds like a bit of a cop out

If that is how you feel then you have your answer. You don't have a recipe for a healthy relationship. You should break up with him and find someone who is more secure with your other friendships. However, I maintain that his feelings are valid - they just don't match with the life you want to have. That's OK. For both of you. Just move on.

It sounds as if your partner is being very controlling. It’s also concerning that your friend was scared of him. Those are the issues you need to address IMO.

Whether or not you should go to your friend’s party (if he may still have feelings for you) is a completely separate issue.

@wildraisins I mean how could anyone truly be okay with being told who they can and cant be friends with? I honestly don't understand this mindset in apparent healthy relationships. it disturbed me back in 2018 when it initially kicked off but because my ex friend backed off so quickly and said it was for the best I just left it alone. I also allowed my partner to convince me that "everyone" would feel like this. he even got his brother and best friend to "confirm" this by saying they wouldnt be happy if their Mrs was friends with someone they slept with. just seems so messed up to think that just because you're in a relationship that you somehow have any kind of ownership. they're two different things.

Why not try talking about it rationally with him. Ask why it makes him so angry and what he is afraid of. Unless he is generally a controlling tosser then this has triggered an insecurity and yu can overcome this together by examining it and reassuring him of your feelings while getting him to realise how irrational he is being.

Personally I’d not go but only to save his bride to be feeling uncomfortable BUT I’d be telling my partner that I am going and go elsewhere for the night
Then I’d get rid of the present partner - pronto!
Who the hell does he think he is to tell you what you can and can’t do!

sounds like he gets to be controlling to me and I have to lump it because his feelings are more important tbh. sounds like a bit of a cop out

This response is quite immature just because a couple of people have a different opinion to you. No one has says you need to ‘lump’ anything, if you don’t want to be in the relationship then don’t be.

@confusedx3 Honestly, I woudn't try to analyse or understand it too much. Just accept that is how he is and that is what he's telling you he needs. You can't give it to him, which is a shame - you've invested time and effort into the relationship. I imagine you're feeling annoyed. But the best way to protect both of your feelings from here is probably to break up with as little blame as possible, as these kinds of issues will probably keep coming up.

He needs complete monogamy, including no contact with exes. That's just what some people need in a relationship, for whatever reason, but it's not something you're compatible with.

You've got an insurmountable difference of needs.

Try to just be kind and accepting and don't blame him for his feelings. However he's behaving, it's coming from a place of his insecurity and vulnerabilities - and that's not nice to have laid out on the table. You can't just say to someone "You should be more secure" - it doesn't work like that unfortunately. Your best bet is to find a partner who is already more secure.

@Jenstar123 I dont feel that I have been immature at all. that wasnt even aimed at you, it was in response to someone else where it was essentially put to me that I either ditch the friendship or make my partner feel insecure which doesnt sit right with me. it doesn't scream healthy relationship if you're worried that your partner might cop off with someone she slept with 10 years ago at their engagement party. would be an excellent storyline in a soap but I would hope my partner having known me for the best part of 6 years would be man enough to understand that its highly unlikely. especially a lad who I NEVER had romantic feelings for.

consequently, I think its immature to tell someone who they can and cant talk to but that's just me. seems the majority agree, yourself and others are perfectly entitled to your opinion that you dont agree with me. Its just not something I aspire to.

if you are looking for an argument btw you're not going to get one from me on this thread.

Just a quick question- has he been invited? Also did you put any restraints on his friendship with his ex?

Either way it doesn't matter (although hopefully you are not complaining about something you actually did). If he doesn't trust you- then you need to end the relationship.
If you accept this behavior it will only get worse.

he didnt have a friendship with his ex, they used to get drunk at events and on nights out we were all at and have massive shouting matches that were embarrassing for all involved. she made me feel incredibly uncomfortable tbh but because I trust my partner I put up with it. they were in a romantic relationship for a few years and by all accounts, he was obsessed with her. I was not and have never been in love/in lust/obsessed or any other word for my ex friend. I miss him greatly as a friend. he was and as far as I can tell, still is a wonderful wonderful person who is going to make his new fiancee very happy. it's a shame that my partner can not see past his own jealousy.

yes, it was extended to the both of us.

OP... you have a whole thread here of complaints about your relationship and your partner. Do you even want to be with him? If this is upsetting you so much and you feel he is so immature and unreasonable, why do you stay with him?

[quote confusedx3]@wildraisins I mean how could anyone truly be okay with being told who they can and cant be friends with? I honestly don't understand this mindset in apparent healthy relationships. it disturbed me back in 2018 when it initially kicked off but because my ex friend backed off so quickly and said it was for the best I just left it alone. I also allowed my partner to convince me that "everyone" would feel like this. he even got his brother and best friend to "confirm" this by saying they wouldnt be happy if their Mrs was friends with someone they slept with. just seems so messed up to think that just because you're in a relationship that you somehow have any kind of ownership. they're two different things.[/quote]
You and your partner are obviously not compatible. You don't have the same set of boundaries. Everyone is entitled to their own set of boundaries.

You don't have to be in a relationship with your partner, you don't have to feel like he's trying to own you. You can end it and find someone who doesn't mind you being friends with someone you've slept with.

I don't think your partner is a twat or any of the other names he's been called on this thread. He just has his own beliefs on what is and isn't acceptable in a committed relationship, and that's fine. He has his view, you have yours.

You're right to say that not everyone would feel the same way your partner does, but many people would, myself included.

I've just ended a relationship because of my ex's close friendship with an ex. It was the right thing to do. I had no right to tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with. He has a mind of his own. I told him my concerns, he chose not to change the situation, I ended the relationship. My boundary intact.

You have the power to do the same.

You don't need to come on here, where you know the comments will be predominantly anti-male. MN is massively anti male. You know if something isn't working for you, you have your own mind and your own self will. You can walk.

Is keeping your friendship with this man more important to you than having a harmonious relationship with your partner?

@Elsewyre

This is surprising given the amount of threads about how everyone's dh can't have female friends wthou having an affair

This totally- I have no idea where all those posters have gone t 0about not allowing their DH to have female friends, or why all these people didn't post on the other threads...unless off course it only works one way!

I have the same complaint, the control and dislike of being told who I can and cannot speak to. I'm not sure how I feel now - I put it to hed 2 years ago because my friend did not want the hassle and backed away which led to the friendship slowly disappearing. it is only now that such a big event has happened in his life and how sad I feel that my partner has exploded again, even though my friend is getting married to someone else, that I've started to feel cross about it. I am probably 2 years too late to be as angry as I feel about it but it was put to the back of my mind and a lot happened in my life during that period that I couldnt dwell on it for long. my friends invite threw me tbh and the reminder has made me reflect on the great friendship we had and probably still would have if it wasnt for my partner.

@JaffaCake70 this isnt anything to do with being anti male though is it? my ex friend is a man, people could of just as easily flamed him on here for getting back in touch again. truthfully, I expected the majority to not agree with me and was interested to see why. I have stated my own thoughts and views on it many times. I cant pretend to understand the insecurity it would cause because I am content in myself. perhaps i am just very lucky.

@JaffaCake70

Although I dont agree with your view, I do admire your honesty, understanding and fairness

I'm in the minority here but I probably wouldn't go out of respect to my partner, it would be different if you didn't have a past with the guy I suppose. I just don't think I'd upset my partner and cause a rift in my relationship over an ex who is now getting married to someone else anyway.

@confusedx3 "my friends invite threw me tbh and the reminder has made me reflect on the great friendship we had and probably still would have if it wasnt for my partner."

Yes... that is sad isn't it?

However, your partner's needs are his needs, and you simply can't have it both ways. The truth is that his needs are very unlikely to change. Frustrating, yes, unfair, maybe, but at the ene of the day just the plain truth. He is who he is. He might even eventually say he's OK with the friendship if you keep on about it, but he'll still feel insecure deep down, and that's surely not what you want?

You can't change his insecurities. He may be able to if he had the desire and potentially years of therapy, but he doesn't have to. he doesn't have to want to either. Maybe he just wants the secutiry of knowing that he is the only man in his partner's life. Lots of people want that and it's valid.

If you're unhappy then all you can do is change the things that are in your control - such as yourself, or the relationship. Don't ask your partner to change - you won't get very far.

hes not my ex, he was really good friend of mine for years. this is why I feel so conflicted. if he was just an ex who I had no friendship with, nothing worth rescuing then this post wouldnt of even made it onto mumsnet. at present, I am really fighting with not going for an easy life and allowing my partner to dictate this decision AGAIN or going and resuming my friendship with someone who has done nothing wrong. maybe the easiest thing to do would just be to politely decline but that makes me feel angry because I know it isnt what I actually want to do. my AIBU wasnt just focused solely on going to the party, it was whether or not it was reasonable for my partner to tell me who I could and coulsnt talk to for any reason and whether I was being unreasonable for wanting to resume the friendship.