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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

172 replies

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 12:29

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

OP posts:
ptumbi · 10/11/2020 15:32

So - does he monitor what you do with other men you've slept with? Have there been others, that he knows of - of is it just this fella?

If he is monitoring your relationships with ALL men, I'd say he was controlling and restricting you.

If he's only like this with the guys you've slept with, he's being an immature and insecure twat.

If he's like this only with this one guy, I think I'd wonder why. Projection?

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:33

I get what you're saying @wildraisins. tbh, I think he would be this way about any male, I think he just feels justified in kicking off about this particular friend because he knows he can draw on the one night stand to back him to his friends and brothers who will give him the validation he needs.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 10/11/2020 15:40

I also get the impression that there is some comparison going on between you and your partner. You seem to imply you feel you are more secure, you look down on him for his jealousy, implying that he is making your relationship unhealthy... all those things actually are quite immature ways to be.

This is your relationship, and in a mature adult relationship you approach each other with kindness, respect and love and try to understand what is beneath the other person's words and behaviour. Everything you've said about your partner on here has been quite demeaning to him.

Which is why I question again if you really value him, and this relationship, or if you should break up.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:44

@wildraisins okay you've lost me there. I think it's a bit of a reach to suggest I dont respect him and that i look down on him. I am no longer friends with any of my male friends and have not had any communication with friend in question on this thread for the past 2 years because of how he feels. its about time I think he looks at why he feels so insecure about other men and stops taking it out on me. maybe he should respect me and how I feel rather than making demands and being a dictator. but thanks for writing that last comment - it has successfully pissed me off enough that I have just messaged my partner telling him I'm going to the party with or without him :) :)

OP posts:
Jenstar123 · 10/11/2020 15:48

No but some of your responses have come across quite defensive/stroppy when anyone dares say they can see this from your partners point of view or that they wouldn’t be comfortable with it either. I’m assuming this is the way the conversation goes with your partner and why there is no resolution. Whilst it’s not fair him telling you who you can or can’t see, it is also not fair you telling him how he can and can’t feel.

Jenstar123 · 10/11/2020 15:50

This is your relationship, and in a mature adult relationship you approach each other with kindness, respect and love and try to understand what is beneath the other person's words and behaviour. Everything you've said about your partner on here has been quite demeaning to him.

100% agree

JillofTrades · 10/11/2020 15:51

How does your friends fiance feel knowing her fiance has strong feelings for you, and you being invited?

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:54

I dont mind others disagreeing with how I feel, it's to be expected on AIBU. what I do take objection to, is being told I dont respect my partner or that I am demeaning him by not bowing down to his wishes. it is not my fault he is insecure if that is what the case is. I have not maintained friendships with any of the males in my life because of how he felt. it makes me sad and angry in equal measure to think I am going to potentially be forced to miss such a big event in a friends life because of my partners insecurities. in my opinion, it is wrong but I take on board those who are saying they would also feel like this. I just dont think it's fair to project ones insecurities onto someone else. its controlling no matter what way you look at it and that is how it's made me feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:54

he doesnt have feelings for me anymore. we were teenagers when all this was going on and young teens at that. we were 16!

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:55

his fiancee knows we have been invited.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 10/11/2020 15:55

Why is everyone assuming that your friend STILL has strong feelings for you?

It sounds like he HAD strong feelings for a while 10 years ago, theres nothing AT ALL to suggest he still has, the fact he is marrying someone else does pretty clearly suggest otherwise.

OP- Go to the party, and tell your partner if he doesn't trust you then really, there is no relationship is there.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 15:57

@WiddlinDiddlin thank you. this is how I feel, it was silly stuff back when we were teenagers. I also feel like that - if he cant trust me then whats the point? if it makes him feel insecure then surely it's on him to get this sorted and it shouldnt be my responsibility or taken out on me.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 10/11/2020 15:58

@confusedx3 Ok well just to clarify, this is without blame (and I do think you're in a rotten situation fwiw!) but my impression from reading your posts is that you do look down on him at least a little bit as a result of these insecurities he has.

You say you can't relate to his jealousy and that YOU have dealt with situations in which you have been jealous/ insecure. So you're kind of putting yourself on a pedestal at "dealing with stuff"

There is point scoring:

"She made me feel incredibly uncomfortable tbh but because I trust my partner I put up with it.".... implies he should be able to "put up with it" too. But should anyone be putting up with anything in a loving and balanced relationship?

"I would hope my partner having known me for the best part of 6 years would be man enough to understand that its highly unlikely"... implies you don't think he's "man enough" (whatever that means?)

I don't know if that clarifies at all but I just think there's a bit of disrespect (which is totally understandable/ normal - but shoud be acknowledged) . My feeling is that the relationship isn't quite balanced right now particularly in the way you view your partner as a result of this.

ErickBroch · 10/11/2020 15:59

I mean, your OP is controlling and very likely cheating/has cheated on you, which is why he is so paranoid. He sounds awful from everything you have said, you are unhappy, he will never stop controlling who you talk to. At first it's 'just' men and then it'll be female friends who are 'bad influences'

This will only get worse

Mittens030869 · 10/11/2020 16:00

It does seem as if far too much is being made of a drunken ONS years ago when you were both teenagers. The OP hasn’t said that her friend still has feelings for her, it sounds very unlikely really.

wildraisins · 10/11/2020 16:01

@confusedx3

I dont mind others disagreeing with how I feel, it's to be expected on AIBU. what I do take objection to, is being told I dont respect my partner or that I am demeaning him by not bowing down to his wishes. it is not my fault he is insecure if that is what the case is. I have not maintained friendships with any of the males in my life because of how he felt. it makes me sad and angry in equal measure to think I am going to potentially be forced to miss such a big event in a friends life because of my partners insecurities. in my opinion, it is wrong but I take on board those who are saying they would also feel like this. I just dont think it's fair to project ones insecurities onto someone else. its controlling no matter what way you look at it and that is how it's made me feel.
I did not say or mean that you are demeaning him by not bowing to his wishes.

I don't think anyone should bow to anyone's wishes in a healthy relationship.

But I think you should acknowledge the way you are feeling towards your partner and that you are losing some respect for him because of his lack of ability to get past this insecurity.

Mittens030869 · 10/11/2020 16:03

I’m also concerned about you having said that your friend was afraid of your partner. Is he a scary person? If this is the case, you have bigger things to worry about than whether or not to go to this engagement party.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 10/11/2020 16:05

You know what OP - I look down on your partner, even if you don’t. I think he sounds terrible and controlling and you should leave. In fact I think you should start running. Never ever be with someone who stops you seeing friends.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 16:08

my friend would definitley be concerned about my partner yes. my partner isnt violent but he has a bad mouth and he doesnt quit if he thinks hes right. I'm not at all surprised looking back that my friend didnt want the hassle.

OP posts:
wildraisins · 10/11/2020 16:11

To summarise all my posts I think basically what I'm saying is:

Leave.

(But on the way out... try to understand and forgive his point of view... every experience is potential growth)

Good luck

SpongeWorthy · 10/11/2020 16:17

OP if you feel he is controlling and out of order then it doesn't matter if other people agree or not.

What matters is why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who is controlling, out of order, never backs down etc all the other things you've said on here.

You said that if he feels the way he does about this situation, you think it's an unhealthy relationship. Which is fine, but means you should be seriously thinking about why you're staying in an unhealthy relationship.

You've been pretty snippy with people on here in some instances where they haven't warranted it and I think you've read a more negative undertone to their comments than was intended.

You sound like this is very raw and emotional right now, which is fine obviously, but it's clouding your responses because people aren't all saying you should put up and shut up, they're saying if you aren't comfortable with his boundaries and think they are controlling then it's silly to stay together.

Janaih · 10/11/2020 16:19

End your relationship, you dont seem to be on the same page. Dont go to the party out of respect for his fiance.

Happyheartlovelife · 10/11/2020 16:22

I’m friends with my first boyfriend who I was with for 10 years. My husband doesn’t mind in the slightest. It was over 20 years ago.

My husband is friends with his ex wife. No biggie. These people are ex’s for a reason. So no. Your boyfriend is wrong that nosy people would have a problem with it

Happyheartlovelife · 10/11/2020 16:25

@Trixie18

I don't think you can assume because he has proposed to someone else that his feelings have died. Why would he invite you to the party, it's a bit odd? You don't speak anymore as you made it clear how your partner felt. I had an old flame from when I was a teenager and 20 odd years later (after we'd both been married to others and had children) confessed his feelings hadn't changed. Maybe it would be kinder to his new partner not to go. Your OH is an arse though, he has no right to dictate who your friends are although I can see why he's upset. I think it may not be you he doesn't trust but this other guys possible unresolved feelings.
Maybe he misses his friend too? Like she does him

My best friend through secondary school and college wasa guy. We did everything together. He then got with this girl and when they got serious she kicked off massively about me and we drifted apart

I’ve never forgotten him though. We were friends for years. Still miss him many years later

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 16:25

this whole post has been exactly that - a reevaluation of my relationship. it has taken this invite and the reaction of my partner to make me realise how sad I am to have lost the friendship/s and how down trodden I feel to be dictated to about this situation again. I mean, the guy is getting married and hes still angry about it. I posted on AIBU to put my feelings into perspective. it seems the majority think I am not being unreasonable which gives me strength in my feelings towards it.

OP posts: