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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my partner doesn't want me to be friend with him

172 replies

confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 12:29

hi all,

a long time ago (talking nearly 10 years and when I was a teenager) i slept with someone who I was friends with. only once and on my part no feelings developed romantically. however, it did for him. for the next few years he claimed to be in love with me but I never shared these feelings back. in hind sight, he was more in lust than love, we were only teenagers at the time. it was silly. its a shame because we were great friends prior to this and I wish we had never over stepped the mark because this would never be a problem now.

fast forward all these years, and in 2018 my current partner kicked off because we were still friends, said he isnt comfortable with it and effectively he was going to cause problems if I stayed friends with this guy. because i didnt want the agro i kind of gave in and mine and this guys friendship slowly faded. I wasnt happy about it at the time but my ex friend didnt want the hassle either and I think if hes 100 percent honest was scared of my partner.

ex friend recently announced his engagement and I have unexpectedly been invited to the party (once lockdown has been lifted of course). my partner is still not happy and has announced he will be furious if I even consider going.

I just dont understand. i feel like he doesnt trust me. i have never had romantic feelings for my friend - we slept together once years ago, and yes my friend developed more romantic feelings towards me but this was a long long time ago. he is engaged now ffs and we are 10 years on. I just feel like my partner is being immature and controlling. especially considering his ex girlfriend who he had very strong feelings for when they were together was part of our extended friendship group and I had to put up with her presence at events for years.

I really miss my friend- he was there for me a lot through the years before I met partner and now I feel I cant share his enjoyment at his engagement because of my partner and his jealousy.

AIBU to want some kind of friendship back?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2020 16:26

@confusedx3

hmm I didnt think about it from that side. maybe it would be kinder not to go and stir up any old feelings - although presumably if hes proposed to someone else he has well and truly moved on. we were friends before and this was a long time ago
seriously, unless you are hotter than Claudia in her hey day and better in bed than Chris Hemsworth is in my imagination, you really need to get over yourself if you think one look at you at his party will suddenly make him fall in love with you and make him ruin his relationship. He's moved on, you were get-overable and say yourself it was lust.

Re should you go - do you need the man of the house to decide who you can be friends with? I let an ex do this, and even when the friend reached out one last time, i let the ex win as he basically threatened to cause trouble if i went. i'll never really forgive him or myself and i'll never get another chance to regain that friendship.

Tell him unless he can come up with a REASONABLE reason you shouldn't go, you are

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 16:28

@SleepingStandingUp lol not quite. that was me musing because of what others were saying - I dont believe he still has feelings for me at all.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2020 16:29

[quote confusedx3]@wildraisins I mean how could anyone truly be okay with being told who they can and cant be friends with? I honestly don't understand this mindset in apparent healthy relationships. it disturbed me back in 2018 when it initially kicked off but because my ex friend backed off so quickly and said it was for the best I just left it alone. I also allowed my partner to convince me that "everyone" would feel like this. he even got his brother and best friend to "confirm" this by saying they wouldnt be happy if their Mrs was friends with someone they slept with. just seems so messed up to think that just because you're in a relationship that you somehow have any kind of ownership. they're two different things.[/quote]
WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 16:30

and yes, I feel very sad that I allowed this even 2 years ago. regardless of what anyone throws at me on here, the reality is it's as simple as I miss my friend. he is one of life's good ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 16:33

I really dont know now. I allowed myself to be convinced it was normal and as my ex friend didnt exactly fight our corner it just all faded away and I didnt think about it again until I received this invite. look at some of the responses on here - I know it's not a majority but there are others who agree with him/understand him/think he is within his right or have the feelings he does. I thought this myself 2 years ago. its only now that my friend has had such a big thing happen in his life that I've reflected on what I lost and that it wasnt my choice.

OP posts:
Thehop · 10/11/2020 16:40

Good lord dump him. This will get worse if you have kids. You can’t live like this!! Being told who you can be friends with!!

StrippedFridge · 10/11/2020 16:44

@confusedx3

sounds like he gets to be controlling to me and I have to lump it because his feelings are more important tbh. sounds like a bit of a cop out
Almost right.

He thinks you have to lump it.

It is you who has chosen to lump it. It is you who has chosen to drop all your male friends.

You did not stop him having female friends.

Stop being passive. Own your life. Own your choices. Clearly you are wanting to make new different choices. Go ahead. Don't wait for his lordship to approve.

billy1966 · 10/11/2020 16:59

[quote confusedx3]@Hellomoonstar it's more that I dont want to be told who I can and cannot talk to.[/quote]
OP,

That ship has past with you accepting his tantrum in 2018.

Why did you accept this 2 years ago?

Are you desperate for any man?

Healthy relationships do not have tantruming. Red flag.

Your friend is nervous of your partner. Red flag.

He thinks it's fine for his ex to be in his life, but not yours. Red flag.

You need to raise your relationship bar.

Is this really a man you want to have a family with?.

He sounds like a controlling, nasty bully.

You deserve better.

Don't settle for so little.

He's no prize.
He sounds like a thug.

Flowers
Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 17:05

tbh I think it was the fact he had backing from other guys - I did get quite upset initially but apparently "everyone" would feel like this. and his brothers and friends all backed him completely, saying it was disrespectful etc. now my life has settled down (as I alluded to before, a lot going on in my personal life since) and receiving this invite just made something click in my head. I've told him I am going to the party. he has yet to respond.

OP posts:
mswales · 10/11/2020 17:06

OP, I'm really worried that more people aren't pointing out your partner is being abusive. This kind of jealousy and controlling behaviour is really dangerous and could get worse - and your description of him being "obsessed" with his ex and them having huge shouting matches only confirms that he has some really unhealthy stuff going on. It's really really worrying that you are not allowed to have any male friends. Please read this on how to tell the difference between normal jealousy and abuse: www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/normal-jealousy-or-the-start-of-abuse

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 17:16

I will read that link. thank you - it's taken me by surprise how sad I feel and how much I miss my friend. i cant believe hes engaged and i dont really know his partner. he was one of my closest friends for such a long time - a real support through some tough times :(

OP posts:
MinnieMD · 10/11/2020 17:16

How does your current DP know the extent of your friends past feelings for you?

Was your friend declaring feelings whilst you were with your DP?

user1471442488 · 10/11/2020 17:16

[quote mswales]OP, I'm really worried that more people aren't pointing out your partner is being abusive. This kind of jealousy and controlling behaviour is really dangerous and could get worse - and your description of him being "obsessed" with his ex and them having huge shouting matches only confirms that he has some really unhealthy stuff going on. It's really really worrying that you are not allowed to have any male friends. Please read this on how to tell the difference between normal jealousy and abuse: www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/normal-jealousy-or-the-start-of-abuse[/quote]
This! I can’t believe there are people saying that she is being unreasonable. “He can’t help his feelings” is childish bullshit that excuses people from taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

His insecurities are not her problem to fix. He sounds like an arsehole.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 17:19

@MinnieMD they have/had mutual friends who presumably shit stirred when we got together and told him.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 10/11/2020 17:22

OP I get the feeling this isn’t the only issue in your relationship.

I think you need to reevaluate what makes you happy and what other things you have compromised on.

Mittens030869 · 10/11/2020 17:25

** This! I can’t believe there are people saying that she is being unreasonable. “He can’t help his feelings” is childish bullshit that excuses people from taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

His insecurities are not her problem to fix. He sounds like an arsehole.**

I agree with this. I’ve been shocked at the number of posters who have defended her partner.

CrazyPigeonLadyMarried2Trans · 10/11/2020 17:25

Your partner is being a manipulative ass. Its kind of a red flag; is he controlling in any other way?

JaffaCake70 · 10/11/2020 17:29

[quote confusedx3]@JaffaCake70 this isnt anything to do with being anti male though is it? my ex friend is a man, people could of just as easily flamed him on here for getting back in touch again. truthfully, I expected the majority to not agree with me and was interested to see why. I have stated my own thoughts and views on it many times. I cant pretend to understand the insecurity it would cause because I am content in myself. perhaps i am just very lucky.[/quote]
OP

The point I tried, and obviously failed, to make.. Is that if a man came on here complaining that his GF didn't want him to be friends with a girl he had slept with 10 years previously, he would be shot down in flames.

Double standards.

It's just the way MN is. That's all.

Coyoacan · 10/11/2020 17:30

if I mention any of my old males friends and calls them "weirdos"

OP, throw this one back into the sea. The only men I've known with those kinds of attitudes are the ones you don't want to waste any more time on. You'll end up friendless and then the controlling behaviour will ramp up.

MinnieMD · 10/11/2020 17:31

OP, whilst I'm not saying his actions are appropriate I can in a way understand his feelings.

From your time line it sounds like your friends "shit stirred" 4 years after the actual event and that has no doubt made him paranoid, I'm not saying this is the right reaction but again I can understand where it would come from.

I agree you have every right to go to this party but I would wonder why you have been invited, is it to show you how well he is doing without you possibly? Most of my close friends are male and I also have slept with one of them way back when but I do know if I was showing signs of a controlling relationship and being pushed away from any of them by a partner they would grab me by the shoulders and give me a shake, not walk away from me to make him happy.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/11/2020 17:33

@confusedx3

tbh I think it was the fact he had backing from other guys - I did get quite upset initially but apparently "everyone" would feel like this. and his brothers and friends all backed him completely, saying it was disrespectful etc. now my life has settled down (as I alluded to before, a lot going on in my personal life since) and receiving this invite just made something click in my head. I've told him I am going to the party. he has yet to respond.
In contrast, I had a relationship but no sex, so kinda the opposite. He came to our wedding. We went to a gig with him. I saw him alone. DH didn't assume at any point, even tho this guy was single, that I couldn't be trusted to not accidentally let him put his penis inside me. He treated he like a grown up and was fairly non plussed about it all. Twice a year I spend a day on mine or the city of a male friend, also single. DH knows how well we get on, we occasionally text and I used to really enjoy a hobby we occasionally saw each other at. DH has never asked if anything has ever happened and happily looks after the kids whilst o go get drunk.

Not all men think you can't be trusted

JaffaCake70 · 10/11/2020 17:33

@Mittens030869

** This! I can’t believe there are people saying that she is being unreasonable. “He can’t help his feelings” is childish bullshit that excuses people from taking responsibility for their own behaviour.

His insecurities are not her problem to fix. He sounds like an arsehole.**

I agree with this. I’ve been shocked at the number of posters who have defended her partner.

Therefore surely she should dump him?

She doesn't have to put up with it does she?

Get rid and get someone who has the same set of boundaries as her own.

I don't understand people who bitch and moan about a partner's behaviour but still choose to stay.

This woman sounds intelligent and switched on, why doesn't she just end the relationship if she's so unhappy?

IdblowJonSnow · 10/11/2020 17:35

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who other people are scared of?
You're an adult, he doesn't get to tell you what to do FFS.
Anyone who is jealous of their girlfriend going to someone's engagement party has major issues...

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 10/11/2020 17:38

At our wedding DH and I both invited several exes. Tell your DP to back off. Enjoy the party.

Original poster
confusedx3 · 10/11/2020 17:39

@JaffaCake70 I mean, judging by all the different responses on here this situation is clearly not as black and white as you would seemingly like to portray. I felt I wasnt being unreasonable wanting to resume this friendship and questioning my relationship over it. plenty would think its unreasonable - I wanted some strength in the way I feel hence why I came on here! no need to be so nasty.

OP posts: