Who is being unreasonable - taking away music because of lack of reading.

[Teachmuggles1419]

Hey ! My daughter is 6 she is very musical, a passionate drum player, teaching her self to play piano and guitar.
She tends to be pretty tutus/ dresses with band T-shirts and dr martens and bright coloured socks with leather jackets etc her music taste sort of random. She dives between things like Dolly Parton / Elton John / jovi / goo goo dolls / artic monkeys / guns and roses.
She tends to sway more to listening to music / watching music videos than to watch tv and movies.
She is not academic and hates to read. Here is my issue she does struggle with her school work and she really struggles with reading.
My dsis thinks that I should be restricting her music and using it as a form of punishment when she is “ whining “ about not doing her reading / homework.
She will sit and draw / paint and design dresses etc but will not without drama, read and write or engage with homework and they struggle with her at school to participate ( she does participate in maths and art )
She practices her music every day ( we can no afford music lessons here ) so she uses you tube for lessons.
Is it fair to remove the practising her music as punishment ?
I just can’t bring my self to do it.

She sounds absolutely delightful and an amazing little girl. Have you tried the reading eggs app?

@BlueJava as do I !
I have engaged with her music and she has only a set up anyone could dream off to let her Flourish in it. I have spent the last 2 years building her music collection off eBay / market place. Learning how to play piano myself so I can help her.

However, I don’t think there is any harm in reading with her, or not wanting her to fall so far behind that when she goes back in to a classroom full of 30 kids that she is not left to struggle.
Wanting her to catch on to basic reading is not me wanting her to be an academic genius.

loads of good advice here and I don't have anything really to add to that. But I just wanted to say that she sounds absolutely brilliant, and so do you. I was a musical kid - we had a piano and my mum... sold it. I had to figure everything out all by myself and though it made me quite determined it was also very lonely. I love that you've learned piano too to help her.

Reading to her and with her is lovely. While she might need some academic help at some point, she's still only six, it's very young really and I think as long as you can show her books/reading can be enjoyable - which it sounds like you're really doing and taking on board - then she'll feel positive about it when the time comes.

My husband didn't learn to read till he was nearly seven and he's got a PhD and is a writer now soooo it can happen later. She just sounds so great.

I’ve not RTFT, but I wonder if reading poetry with her might resonate more than reading novels? The lyrics to songs are basically poetry, and she might get into the rhythm of poetry more.

One poetry book I liked when I was young was “The Curse Of The Vampire’s Socks” by Terry Jones. I can still repeat some of them now! Her school might have other good suggestions.

Or can you look for non-fiction books about how pianos or other musical instruments work?

Any reading is reading, even reading the lyrics to (age appropriate) songs.

Your daughter sounds cool.

Bloody hell she’s only 6 years old.

@Teachmuggles1419

Yeh I think maybe I should stress less. She has learned loads in the in the last year, she has speech delay but when she sings projects every word.

So music is actively helping her.

Which it would anyway. Music is very good for the brain. Does she ever listen or play classical?

Oh, and in Scandinavian countries, reading comes in at age 7

@BoggledBudgie yes she is and in year 2 where our academic system says she is behind. This isn’t me caring about her not being up to scratch as I’m ashamed etc this is me reaching out about helping her so she doesn’t get so far behind that she struggles. Trust me I couldn’t care less about her being the “ best “ just confident.

She is sensitive to sounds, which is funny because she adores music but anything other than that like people laughing too loud she freaks out

This is quite common for children with sensory sensitivity: they are fine with noise they can control but not with other unexpected noise or noise that is out of their control. It may be worth getting her seen by an occupational therapist with training in sensory problems.

It could also be worth getting her seen by a specialist dyslexia teacher, even if she doesn't actually have dyslexia. DS is mildly dyslexic and went to a specialist teacher for two or three years: I will forever be grateful to her, because not only did she put him on the right path in terms of his literacy but she did wonders for his self-esteem which was really low at the time.

Also, the school really should be doing much more than sending worksheets home: they should have online teaching in place. It might be worth seeing what Oak Academy has to offer.

[quote Teachmuggles1419]@SBTLove she doesn’t listen to all their songs, I am very selective of which songs she is allowed to listen to.
Although she does have a little bit of an obsessive love for Dolly Parton 🤣
She witnessed Ariana grande the other day and she was the least impressed child on the planet I think.[/quote]
Get her to listen to Ariana singing Jason Robert Brown, she might be more imprssed!!!!!

Here is what I find concerning about your post

The fact that you ate even for one moment listening to your sister on this issue, given she sounds awful

@MoonJelly

She is sensitive to sounds, which is funny because she adores music but anything other than that like people laughing too loud she freaks out

This is quite common for children with sensory sensitivity: they are fine with noise they can control but not with other unexpected noise or noise that is out of their control. It may be worth getting her seen by an occupational therapist with training in sensory problems.

It could also be worth getting her seen by a specialist dyslexia teacher, even if she doesn't actually have dyslexia. DS is mildly dyslexic and went to a specialist teacher for two or three years: I will forever be grateful to her, because not only did she put him on the right path in terms of his literacy but she did wonders for his self-esteem which was really low at the time.

Also, the school really should be doing much more than sending worksheets home: they should have online teaching in place. It might be worth seeing what Oak Academy has to offer.

Both of my children have auditory processing disorders. (both also autistic) They can't filter out background noise and dd in particular has a problem with loud sounds.

Both are musical. dd is training in musical theatre and ds is a talented pop/musical theatre musician with perfect pitch.

Age 6 I'd argue that she shouldn't have homework at all anyway but please don't use music as a punishment or a reward. Music has been a life saver for my kids. Ds especially would have been in a dradful state without his passion for music.

Don't stop her music!
She sounds amazing, and from what you have written on here you sound like a supportive, encouraging, caring mum who is doing their best.

Reading is so important, but making it into a horrible chore which she gets punished for not doing is counter-productive. It would he wonderful if eventually she ENJOYS reading, but I know that getting there will be a challenge!
You are probably doing this already, but try lots of "non-pressured" things with her. Like reading lots of stories together where you read (and she can look at the pages if she wants to.) Instill a love of books and stories, and she will want to read then for herself eventually.
Also encourage her to make up song lyrics - maybe at first you could write them down for her, and then gradually move to her writing them herself. When she does start to do writing of her own volition DO NOT stress too much about handwriting and spelling.
My dd was fine with reading, but really struggled with writing.
She did start to write little stories, lists, song lyrics though for fun sometimes and it was wonderful practice.

If it was "for fun" writing then we didn't nit pick spelling etc because we were just glad she was writing at all and didn't want to discourage her! School work we did correct spellings etc (but even then, we let some slide at first for her confidence).

You can get grants for music lesson funding a quick Google put up a load.

@RockingMyFiftiesNot

I'd turn it around - she can have music once she has done her homework. So music becomes the reward, rather than taking it away as punishment (although it amounts to the same thing, it's how you frame it with her). She is then in control of what she needs to do to have music

I was going to say this. She only needs to read a few pages of her school reading book at this age, fifteen minutes and she’s done.

@Teachmuggles1419 you’ve misunderstood... she’s ONLY 6 years old. The education system doesn’t cater to every child’s learning needs, just the majorities. There’s absolutely no need to be stressing and worrying about whether or not she’s “up to scratch” right now.

She's 6, not 16 and dodging her GCSEs (if in UK). Different children progress differently WRT reading and writing and maths.

Your DSis is an idiot - remember this for future advice from her.

Music is very helpful for cognitive development and it sounds like she is progressing with motivation and hard work WRT her music.

Don't treat music as a dimension for punishment.

Don't get stressed about progress and enjoy your DD and listening to her playing.

good luck.

Do you still read to her?

Look for books (or make up stories) about a young girl playing music and having fun.

It's perfectly possible to have a gift or a passion for something AND do your homework

Please don't go down the "my child is so special she doesn't need to do boring homework"

Set her year 1 level stuff and do 20 minutes a day before music.

just interjecting, so apologise if its already been suggested/mentioned.

My DS has autism/adhd, getting him to sit and read at that age was like trying to keep water in a colander..

I realised that putting the subtitles on the TV while he was watching cartoons, and on his youtube videos absolutely bought his reading on in leaps and bounds.

Can you perhaps use some of the lyric videos on youtube to sit with her, get her to watch and sing along, but point the words out to her as you do?

The urge to learn new songs, might encourage her reading.

I'm not armchair diagnosing, but some of the things you've said about her reactions to noise is just tweaking my nose on her maybe being neurodivergent and it may be worth looking into getting her assessed for a Sensory processing issue or autism.

@saraclara's idea of using song lyrics to encourage literacy is a brilliant one. Get her to copy some lyrics and decorate around them, dictate them, write some of her own. Loads of possibilities.
My DD is extremely musical (grade 8 by year 8) and her music teachers said she was very instinctive with her music learning. She now lives in London and misses her music terribly during Covid, and the company it gives her. It makes you friends and teaches team work and just soothes the soul. She is also very academic - maths is her thing. But without music her life would be greatly impoverished. Hang on to that joy for your DD x

To add, we're still not sure whether DD has synesthesia. She used to describe seeing moving shapes and forms when she played her trumpet. We didn't make anything of it because we didn't want her to feel weird in any way (she had other health problems which did that job already!)

Just to clear a few things up 🙈

1. I am not making her sit and do hours of work sheets. I also am not disappointed/ upset etc with her about reading. Just trying to encourage engagement.

1. I don’t want to use music as the bargains tool.

1. I am aware of her age and I am not expending her to be reading Enid Blyton books by her self. At the moment she can only read 4 works and write her name ( she is year 2 ) she has skills in other areas but I would like to see her gain some confidence in this.

1. I am very supportive in her likes and she is allowed to express her self freely.

1. I don’t think she is super special well That she shouldn’t do homework.

1. I have taken on people who gave advice about what I can try and have made some diff reading purchases etc

@scentedgeranium

To add, we're still not sure whether DD has synesthesia. She used to describe seeing moving shapes and forms when she played her trumpet. We didn't make anything of it because we didn't want her to feel weird in any way (she had other health problems which did that job already!)

Ds has synasthesia. He sees different notees & chords as different colours. When I said he has perfect pitch what I meant is that he listens to a note or a chord, sees the colour and can tell you what note it is from the colour he sees.

Absolutely fascinating.

@Teachmuggles1419

No doubt that was meant to say.

They also have a dolly Parton one.