Who is being unreasonable - taking away music because of lack of reading.

[Teachmuggles1419]

Hey ! My daughter is 6 she is very musical, a passionate drum player, teaching her self to play piano and guitar.
She tends to be pretty tutus/ dresses with band T-shirts and dr martens and bright coloured socks with leather jackets etc her music taste sort of random. She dives between things like Dolly Parton / Elton John / jovi / goo goo dolls / artic monkeys / guns and roses.
She tends to sway more to listening to music / watching music videos than to watch tv and movies.
She is not academic and hates to read. Here is my issue she does struggle with her school work and she really struggles with reading.
My dsis thinks that I should be restricting her music and using it as a form of punishment when she is “ whining “ about not doing her reading / homework.
She will sit and draw / paint and design dresses etc but will not without drama, read and write or engage with homework and they struggle with her at school to participate ( she does participate in maths and art )
She practices her music every day ( we can no afford music lessons here ) so she uses you tube for lessons.
Is it fair to remove the practising her music as punishment ?
I just can’t bring my self to do it.

@christinarossetti19 she missed half of reception, then year one she only did 2 weeks.

I agree with making music a positive incentive rather than a punishment. Could you show her a youtube video of how professional musicians read/write music and lyrics, maybe try to play into her interests? Or maybe a book about music/favourite artists that you could read together? Little People Big Dreams does a David Bowie book and probably loads more as well.

@NullcovoidNovember I couldn’t imagine taking it away. I do feel a lot of pressure from outsiders
When they compare her to say cousins etc they always remind me how important her education is and I find myself snapping at everyone.

I will try and do some of the things suggested. Thank you I am just a mum trying to do what’s best but sometimes do not know what that is 🙈 they really should come with individual manuals !

So she's probably a little bit behind because she's missed a lot of school? Taking her music away won't 'refund' the time she's missed. Your SIL is an arse and you can tell her I said that.

Music will build her confidence, help her maths - like soooo much! - help her with teamwork, resilience, putting the hours in to get better at something, finding her tribe, flourishing on her own terms and lyrics will help her understand words, themes, emotions... the benefits are enormous.

I absolutely agree that she should do homework/read for 10 minutes a day first but don't cave into this nonsense.

Also could you look for some age-appropriate books about musicians?

[quote Teachmuggles1419]@christinarossetti19 she missed half of reception, then year one she only did 2 weeks.[/quote]
Bless. Then you need to think of her more as a reception child, academically. That's a lot to catch up on both learning wise and socially.

Obviously she needs to be helped with that, so I'd get all the help you can, and yes, reward her for any reading homework she does, rather than punish.

[quote Teachmuggles1419]@NullcovoidNovember I couldn’t imagine taking it away. I do feel a lot of pressure from outsiders
When they compare her to say cousins etc they always remind me how important her education is and I find myself snapping at everyone.[/quote]
Then you say 'yes, her education is important and I'm thrilled that music plays such a big part in it. You know, creativity is all that separates us from the robots .'

Why are people so mean?

Get an exercise book and get her to dictate the lyrics of her favourite songs for you. She can decorate each page. Make it special.

She already knows those words so she can enjoy the book and start to see the patterns in the letters and words that match you reading them to her, or her singing them. Move your finger under the words as you read/she sings.

Has she learned to read music at all? It will all help. Sometimes children just need something that will spark their interest - reading a book with music in the storyline, or making a comic themselves. Music isn’t easy, and she is self motivated, so I would imagine reading will click at some point, too.

Good grief! - do not even think about doing this!

I have spent my adult life fighting for music in schools; it is not a frippery or an add-on - it is a human right to make music; and it has a huge positive impact on learning in every subject.

How wonderful that she has something that gives her a positive view of herself. She may be the next Madonna!!!

please don't stop her music or use it as a reward
she is only little and has missed loads of school
let her enjoy and excel at something, this is even more important id it turns out she does struggle with reading - but she may not
just tell your dsis to fuck off- well maybe not quite that but something more diplomatic but means the same, like 'this works for us, thanks'.

Yeh I think maybe I should stress less. She has learned loads in the in the last year, she has speech delay but when she sings projects every word.

If you find that practicing reading after school is a problem (mine were totally done by then) then you could try it before school instead, when she's "fresher". That worked well for us, esp once it became routine.

OP it sounds like she’s hardly had any school so it’s no wonder she’s struggling. Whether it’s just the lack of school or something else I guess you’ll find out, but like I said in my last post, her music will be massively tied up with her self esteem, it’s the thing that makes her feel good about herself. Ignore your sister, she’s talking crap, and ignore all the other people in your life who say she needs to do x and y. If she’s got something that makes her feel good about herself and gives her confidence she’ll be more likely to do well in other areas. Take away the thing that makes her feel good about herself and the rest will go to shit.

She’s 6, she’s got loads of time. My DS’s writing was terrible up until he was about 9 or 10, I’m talking unreadable. he’s 13 now and it’s fine, in fact it’s very neat. It might turn out that your DD needs extra support, bu if she feels confident in other areas then it’ll only help her along. Trust me, I’ve been there. My guitar was the difference between me doing well in my GCSEs and me probably getting expelled from school.

@saraclara thank you I will try that !!!
I just feel I’m losing her motivation mind you she has been stuck in the house since March so it likely has not helped 🙈

Reading needs to be a pleasure, not a chore. Read with her. Read to her. Share books. My 7yo likes it when we take turns. The jury is out about dyslexia with him. DS1 is very dyslexic and at about 7 or 8, reading clicked and he suddenly realised there were words around him and began reading things like signs. DS2 is begining to get there. Make sure she has access to appealing books that interest her. Let her read easy texts even if they are easier than her ability.

Don't take away the music, she sounds fabulous.

Agree with pp saying find books about music to read, maybe also song books where the words are spelled in syllables with the musical notes so you can sing and read together. Get her to 'write' a song and pin the words up somewhere. Maybe she's dyslexic or something else is going on. But she's only 6 - I was listening to a podcast about a writer who didn't learn to read til she was 12! And later became a very successful writer. So be patient with her, and if people nag, just tell them she's going at her own pace and that's that.

Also check out Ken Robinson's Ted talk about education - he explains how children can succeed when allowed to be creative.

She sounds a smart girl but I’d be a bit more selective to what she’s listening too, as some of the aforementioned are hardly appropriate lyrics for a 6 yr old.

firstly, six year olds shouldn't even have homework!

secondly, restricting her music will make her resent you

thirdly, maybe try to encourage to read about music
...

Drum Dream Girl
BY MARGARITA ENGLE
On an island of music
in a city of drumbeats
the drum dream girl
dreamed

of pounding tall conga drums
tapping small bongó drums
and boom boom booming
with long, loud sticks
on big, round, silvery
moon-bright timbales.

But everyone
on the island of music
in the city of drumbeats
believed that only boys
should play drums

so the drum dream girl
had to keep dreaming
quiet
secret
drumbeat
dreams.

At outdoor cafés that looked like gardens
she heard drums played by men
but when she closed her eyes
she could also hear
her own imaginary
music.

When she walked under
wind-wavy palm trees
in a flower-bright park
she heard the whir of parrot wings
the clack of woodpecker beaks
the dancing tap
of her own footsteps
and the comforting pat
of her own
heartbeat.

At carnivals, she listened
to the rattling beat
of towering
dancers
on stilts

and the dragon clang
of costumed drummers
wearing huge masks.

At home, her fingertips
rolled out their own
dreamy drum rhythm
on tables and chairs…

and even though everyone
kept reminding her that girls
on the island of music
have never played drums

the brave drum dream girl
dared to play
tall conga drums
small bongó drums
and big, round, silvery
moon-bright timbales.

Her hands seemed to fly
as they rippled
rapped
and pounded
all the rhythms
of her drum dreams.

Her big sisters were so excited
that they invited her to join
their new all-girl dance band

but their father said only boys
should play drums.

So the drum dream girl
had to keep dreaming
and drumming
alone

until finally
her father offered
to find a music teacher
who could decide if her drums
deserved
to be heard.

The drum dream girl’s
teacher was amazed.
The girl knew so much
but he taught her more
and more
and more

and she practiced
and she practiced
and she practiced

until the teacher agreed
that she was ready
to play her small bongó drums
outdoors at a starlit café
that looked like a garden

where everyone who heard
her dream-bright music
sang
and danced
and decided
that girls should always
be allowed to play
drums

and both girls and boys
should feel free
to dream.

Could you tell her if she reads and writes then that will help her write and sing song lyrics.

@SBTLove she doesn’t listen to all their songs, I am very selective of which songs she is allowed to listen to.
Although she does have a little bit of an obsessive love for Dolly Parton 🤣
She witnessed Ariana grande the other day and she was the least impressed child on the planet I think.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/22749711-drum-dream-girl

@AlecTrevelyan006
Thank you

I failed my SATs at 7 (not sure if they still do them) because I couldn't actually hear. My hearing had gotten progressively worse and because I was good at faking it (knowing what to do because of context) I had hidden it well and it wasn't diagnosed until after I failed (my mum had thought I'd just been a usual child and informed her sometimes if I wasn't facing her). I caught up, and passed all my year 6 exams and now have 2 degrees. I'm not saying everyone has to be academic but she can definitely improve and catch up. Like another poster said, get her eye sight checked just to rule out any issues there and find something she enjoys to read, even if it's below what she should be reading at, it's a start.

Does she not like any homework? I'd make all homework non-negotiable and to be completed as soon as she gets home, don't leave it as it'll only make everyone more stressed before bed and she'll be more tired anyway. Definitely make music the reward but prioritise the homework, make sure it's done then after tea/homework she can practice all she wants. Maybe try some audio books where she can follow along with a physical copy, this will help her at least expand her vocabulary and hopefully her reading skills too. Take her to pick out a few books and get her a Xmas themed one as a gift.

She can do this but I'd get the homework out of the way as early as possible so she has chance to end her day with something she enjoys.