To report a friend for fraud?

[ashbashclash]

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

@CleverCatty - I've no idea how you'd go about reporting it. My PILs didn't report it. We don't know how it came to light, social services maybe as the relative has dementia. PILs had vague suspicions because the cousins seemed very eager to get them out of the way, but TBH were so hurt over the business they just withdrew & didn't really hear anything until they saw on FB that the police had arrested the cousins & discovered the depletion of the relative's account. Suddenly people started talking to PILs again, who'd previously sided with the cousins.

My point was just that this may not be such an unlikely scenario as people seem to be assuming. I was really sceptical too that anyone would do such a thing at first, & we were horrified when we found out.

She could have a secret sugar daddy. Or an OnlyFans page. Or work late at night on a sex line. Or just be really really good with her finances.

He will get put in to a home where he will likely either away more rapidly or catch COVID, and you will have that on your conscience.

I knew this wasn't going to go well.

@SunshineCake

Plenty of people have stolen from people they are caring for so I don't think the OP is off base for wondering if this is the case here.

Well of course some horrible people have done that, however billions of others have looked after their aging relatives without takibg advantage. It's a flipping ginormous leap for the OP to assume that's what is happening in this instance. There is no evidence this is financial abuse and for the OP to think this is the only option is just mind-boggling.

What in the world is this world coming to?? She works, takes care of her sick parent but because she shops and goes out on occasion she must be financially abusing him?? That’s quite some leap! He is likely giving her a bit of money for caring for him or asks her to treat herself on him. The fact he doesn’t remember you is not really important so long as he remembers her. Heaven save me from having a ‘friend’ like you. If you genuinely think she is capable of this stop the friendship because I suspect she’d be better off without your very hurtful accusations which seem to be based on very little

She's his carer, maybe he's paying her £10 an hour (a bargain)

To be strictly fair, this could be a safeguarding issue. And if there was the slightest chance that he was not being cared for properly, or that the daughter was unloving in any way, yes, I'd be concerned.

But this isn't the case here. OP says that he is much loved and well taken care of.

OP, if you report her, what is likely to happen is that she's so traumatised that she puts him in a care home. That's if that decision isn't taken for her, if the powers that be (and I don't know how it works) decide that spending his money is reason for them not to allow her to care for him.

The risk of his quality of life being very much worse if he wasn't looked after at home by someone who loves him, would be enough to stop me doing anything about it. Especially as there are no other sons or daughters to step in.

Show some character -
if you report her (and that's what you want to do), do it under your own name and when she is being investigated, tell her it was you who reported her.

Who needs enemies when you have friends like op 👍

@ashbashclash

What would happen if I did report her?

Wow lol you really are jealous of this woman or really dislike her, you are definitely no friend 🤣

OP.
I know that the majority on here are saying that you've got no proof and that you're not a good friend, but clearly your heckles are up.
I'd be a bit concerned myself.

Having once had a friend who turned out to be a fraudster , I sympathise with you. My spidey senses were working a while before we all found out but, like you, I had no actual proof.
I made the odd throw away comment but I kept getting nonchalant replies.

My dear old mum was also victim to a privately hired ' home help' who always wanted to pop out and get something and needed the money for it. This person managed to convince my mum to have various jobs done. These jobs would be performed by a brother, a husband or a friend.
I kept on at my mum to be very sure about these jobs but she was adamant that they needed doing. Alas, I live a long way away from her and had no means of checking.

I ended up having to get professionals in to put these 'jobs ' right.

I can't offer you any advice. Sorry.
I really hope that you're wrong , if you see what I mean.

This is a definite case of MYOB. You do not know anything at all about the financial circumstances.

Gosh if I have dementia and my (grown up) children look after me well I hope they spend every penny! Much better that your friend gets the cash and he gets to stay at home than it lines the pockets of a care home owner or goes on inheritance tax.

Also if she is his next of kin and he is incapacitated wouldn’t she be in charge of his finances legally anyway? Regardless, they are related and she is looking after him well. Morally I don’t think this is fraud.

@1Morewineplease but this isn’t a home help - it’s his only child.

So you're considering, with no proof whatsoever, reporting a 'good friend' whose Mum has died and is caring for her elderly Dad with Dementia in the middle of a global pandemic. Do you have any idea how much stress that would put on her already loaded shoulders? That could push someone over the edge, I hope you'd be prepared to deal with the possible consequences of that.

I honestly think the best thing you can do for this woman is to stay as far away from her as possible. You are not her friend and I imagine she'd be devastated if she knew what you really thought.

I'm truly shocked. Maybe take some time to think about how spiteful what you're suggesting is.

My dear old mum was also victim to a privately hired ' home help' who always wanted to pop out and get something and needed the money for it.

This is a totally different scenario from a daughter doing majority care for a reportedly well cared for father. Of course people take advantage in this world but there is zero proof here. She could have savings, carers allowance or her father agreed to help her out in exchange for care before he got too ill.

She’s caring for him herself, just think of what she is saving in care home fees. Leave her alone.

@ashbashclash

I'm not jealous and I don't have any concerns over her dads welfare. He is well looked after and I know she loves him dearly.

Well leave her alone then, the poor woman.

You're no friend for a start.

Do people really believe that a close family member would not be capable of financially abusing a relative?

OP, what the hell is wrong with you? Can you not see why everyone is disgusted with you? Why on earth would you keep referring to her as your friend? Do you have any idea what it's like for a person with dementia in a home if they were separated thanks to your meddling?

First post in a while that's made me so angry. Take a long look at yourself ffs

Oh my who needs enemies with friends like you! You are no friend you sound jealous...awful!

What difference does this actually make to your life? Seriously!

This year has brought to the fore some really lovely people who have been willing to help others and make a positive difference to their community.
It has also exposed a self appointed stasi who for reasons best known to themselves seem to want to report neighbours and friends for real or imagined infractions.
If you do decide to report your friend, do it using your real name and address rather than hiding behind anonymity.

You don't know what she earns, op, or what she gets as a carer. Also, hen her dad was still compos mentis he may have told her to take X amount from his pension every month. A lot of people do that, they don't go out to spend it and want to show their appreciation for being well loved and cared for. I would in his position

For goodness sake, you do not grass on friends for suspected fraud, that is a horrible idea. Good luck to her.

@Squiffany

Do people really believe that a close family member would not be capable of financially abusing a relative?

Not one person has said they don't believe that can and does happen but it's statistically a much larger amount of family who diligently look after their aging relatives without taking their money. So why on earth would that be the default assumption of the OP in this instance??