To report a friend for fraud?

[ashbashclash]

I've been good friends with a woman for over 15 years now.
She is a carer for her dad who has dementia and has been since her mum died.
She works part time hours (16 hours )
Now she spends a lot more than she earns.
Before lockdown she was going on weekends away,concerts etc
She is always shopping,not expensive things but still shopping.
Her dads dementia is pretty bad so she will be dealing with his finances and he will be oblivious.
She invited me to his birthday tea party in January and he didn't recognise me.
I think she is spending her dads money.
Do I report this?
I don't think it's fair for her to get away with this.
Although if she has been dipping into his money and I report her,what would happen to her dad?
Would he be moved in care facility ?
What do I do for the best?

Your friends needs to have a look at what could happen if her father needs to go in a home. If she is spending his money, she may find that she essentially has to pay that back to pay for his care - the local authority are able to dig very deep into finances and accounts. It’s a minefield - a payment my mum made to me to help with a new roof on my house, 4 years before she went into a home and a good 2 years before she showed any sign of dementia was queried by our LA.

I looked after my mum for years. Did her weekly shopping, took her to all her appointments, did her banking, cleaned her house, cooked her meals, did the garden. All whilst working part time and looking after my own home, garden and 2 children. My DH worked abroad most of the time.

I never even bought myself so much as a pint of milk with her money. She never offered me any payment and it didn't enter my head to charge her or to take money from her.

My friend looked after her mum in a similar way only she charged her X amount per mile for petrol, X amount per hour for her time, X amount to clean, X amount to garden etc. She also used to buy herself grocery shopping using her mothers account. This was all done with the mothers full knowledge as a way of passing money onto her daughter.

It has come to light that my MIL pays her DS, my BIL, in a similar way. He charges her to take her shopping, even although she lives en route and he is going to the shop anyway. Or he buys her bread and milk and charges her over the odds. She isn't happy to pay and would be cheaper getting a taxi but doesn't want to upset her son.

I sometimes think I should have had a conversation with my mum about money but I never did and she had a stroke and ended up in a nursing home.

@ashbashclash

It just didn't add up that's it

But it very well might add up, given the plethora of other hidden sources of income she might have. Why do you feel the need for it to 'add up' in your own approximations?

She might not be in charge of her father’s finances. You have no idea.

I love all the people that state that they’ve done safeguarding training so are experts. Haven’t we all love! You sat in front of a power point and got your name marked on the register and now you think you are Columbo.

I dont think I could see my friend caring for her dad and doing it well (like you said) and assume she is draining his bank account because she shops more than what YOU think she should. What do family carers look like? Begging outside tesco for spare change?

You have no idea and from what I read, zero proof either. If you do have a spiteful moment and report, have the decency to let her know what kind of "friend" you are. I wouldnt mind if you had more proof, I would tell you to report but the reason you gave is ridiculous and judgemental.

You need to step back from this and concentrate on your own life. You have absolutely no idea of what is going on here, and it's none of your business. You don't sound like my idea of a friend!

@ashbashclash

What would happen if I did report her?

You're still thinking about it aren't you? My god I'm glad I don't have a friend like you

@Audreyseyebrows

I think the people who have had safeguarding training are actually saying that they have some knowledge of safeguarding, which seems reasonable, doesn't it?

Is there someone specific you're getting at, or are you just doing blanket passive aggression? It isn't very nice.

@ashbashclash

What would happen if I did report her?

The council would jump at the chance to mis appropriate any money and/or property he has.

You "good friend" will be destroyed.

Her dad will die a lot quicker in some, likely piss poor, care home.

But why do I get the impression you'd like that.

You are wavering back and forth with your posts, obviously dying to report her.

What a thoroughly nasty person.

reminds me of the threadon here about the poster tht was reported for this and with inveistiagion found nothing wrong but mud sticks and people still dont belive her

dont do anything without proof people will still suffer

@ashbashclash

It just didn't add up that's it. I don't have any details of her finances just her particular job wouldn't be paying more £200 a week and she seems to spend more. I'm not jealous.

But what are her outgoings? Does she pay rent, bills? I assume she is getting carer's allowance?

You are a lousy friend. You have no proof yet you’d do something like this? I’m sure it’s difficult enough for the poor woman to be keeping up her job and caring for her dad without you potentially causing huge trouble for her.

If his dementia is so bad she is likely his appointee for benefits meaning she is responsible for his money and therefore in control of it and may well be spending it on her father, herself and family. You might not like it but it’s not fraud.

Financial abuse, however, is a safeguarding issue, if you have concerns you can report this and it will be investigated. It is possible for the local authority to be an appointee.

However you say he is well looked after, have you any idea how difficult it is to care for someone with dementia? You should offer your friend support not judgement.

@GabsAlot

reminds me of the threadon here about the poster tht was reported for this and with inveistiagion found nothing wrong but mud sticks and people still dont belive her

dont do anything without proof people will still suffer

I think this is worth repeating. It's al well and good some people saying if you report and they don't find any there's no harm done.

The reality is that people will gossip and the age old phrase there's no smoke without fire will be batted about and before you know it everyone assumes the person reported is guilty and they just got away with it.

That would be even more true in this instance as people would argue a good friend would never have reported her unless they knew something.

Jesus wept. You’re as good at putting 2 + 2 together and coming up with 11 as Donald Trump OP.

Mind your own business and let her mind hers.

What?

Because you have decided she spends more money than she earns , you're going to report her for stealing her dad's money. What a strange person you are.

@Audreyseyebrows if that is your experience of safeguarding training I would be concerned if you work closely with vulnerable people.

For those that have assumed Carer's allowance will be paid, that is not a given in all circumstances, it is income dependent and only payable if the carer's nett earnings are £128 per week or less. it can also trigger a negative effect on the cared for person's benefits as well.

Bear in mind if she’s in receipt of any benefits they will be frozen possibly for months whilst she’s ‘investigated’.

Who do you propose to "report" this to?

If he is well looked after, and you don't know (nor need to know) the details of his finances, what on earth has this to do with you?

Don't know if this has been pointed out but I work in social care and we pay families for looking after family which is perfectly legal, plus with her part time work and carers allowance, she could actually be working full time.

If this was all happening prelockdown,in March, have you been stewing on it for the last 7 months? What a sad life

Also forget to add the area where I work a carer can get a yearly carers grant of around 200.00 a year to spend on whatever they like to help them care for said relative