I just chose to never see myself as such. (a victim). Not being treated unfairly, being able to work, go to uni etc is not merely an act of will. You have been fortunate to have the circumstances to be able to do all that.
I was too at one point.
When ex and I first split I was quickly able to find a full time job and good childcare - but the economy was doing much better at this time (almost 20 years ago now)
I then as you did decided to return to uni with a view to going into a career that would make mine and dds life that bit easier and increase my income - again circumstances then were easier than they are now for potential single mum students, there’s been HUGE changes in funding for starters.
I then was involved in a serious car accident which left me disabled - though the worst effects weren’t immediately apparent and even now I don’t have a firm dx as in different specialists disagree on the exact nature of the condition. The stress of the accident including the economic effects (difficulties with insurer partly as other driver who was at fault wasn’t insured) plus the cumulative effects of various other stressors came to bear resulted in a psychotic/depressive breakdown. The accident was the catalyst but not the whole story.
I was unable to work at that time and was being assessed and treated for both the physical and psychological issues, but even so as someone who had worked since 14, full time since 16 excepting uni and mat leave I was eager to get a job and earn. Too eager as it turned out. I managed for around 18 months and then a few things happened which meant things became more difficult, this included a new boss who was aware of my mh issues and used them to play some seriously fucked up psychological games. Around the same time my physical condition caused me to take a bad fall at work, which worsened this too.
I’ve been unable to work since, though I have at times (this is part of my main condition I can get over ambitious and develop unrealistic ideas of what I am capable of, but also means I am more susceptible than others to succumbing to societal pressure to not be a “dole bludger”) and so have applied for jobs and voluntary positions when if I were being truly objective and realistic I’d be unable to sustain any such commitment unless the employers were very flexible.
Not everyone’s circumstances are the same, plus people’s circumstances, abilities and capability to cope with certain situations vary greatly.
Therefore it’s possible the reason she is not working is more due to the age and cost of the second child which is nothing to do with OP in my opinion yes but arguably he also benefits from her not working as his child is not in childcare and he isn’t expected eg to cover half of school holidays
it could be a lot worse
Women throughout history have been told to shut up and accept their lot on the basis of this.
Yep and it is and always has been a pointless argument!
If OP thinks his ex has it cushy he can always go for 50:50 yea funny how so few nrps seem to fancy that eh?
She has a partner they’re not legally or morally responsible for this child!
But it’s a fallacy to say 50/50 makes it even. It doesn’t.
This!
Because in most cases it ONLY applies to the time spent with the child and even then tends to only mean the time they’re not in school or childcare. The costs tend to still fall onto usually mum who is also usually the lower earner, often because they are bearing the brunt of childcare clashes with working hours! I’ve known of a fair few supposedly 50/50 arrangements where it merely means the dad is seeing the child 2-3 evenings a week but not having them overnight every time, eow, not paying for school uniform, equipment, clubs, childcare (even when it’s supposedly “their” day) etc so they’re not REALLY 50/50 the dads just are seeing the dc a bit more
When I first split from ex I told him he could see and have dd whenever he wanted, he wasn’t interested, he turned up the Saturday after split 4 hours later than he said he’d be, stayed half an hour then left as he’d made plans to go out with ow. I learned later he was telling everyone on “his” side of things that I was massively restricting his access to Dd which was complete bollocks! He never reliably or consistently improved.
@Yartothenar I know a few single dads, yes unusual and I agree nrp mothers can and are just as bad as fathers who are nrps, but generally speaking our society, culture and laws are set up where it’s mostly fathers.
especially if in council/HA housing where the rent is covered in full. good grief! This is the level of ignorance and misinformation we’re dealing with! These homes are NOT rent free! Many in social housing are in work and pay rent just like everyone else! Even the amounts are often not a huge amount cheaper if at all in comparison to private rents, areas differ.
Why does this matter if he worked it out using the CMS calculator? because a lot of posters on the thread are seeing the amount alone and thinking this means op is generous. When actually it looks like this was based on a likely regular (even though officially “overtime” and that sounds fairly dubious anyway as there are regs around overtime for taxes, health and safety etc) income of in excess of £4000 a month. It skews perspectives. If he’d posted without stating the amount but simply stating he paid the cms minimum this thread would likely have gone VERY differently
Why would she expect payment for taking care of her own child?
Why should HE be able to work full time completely free of having to consider let alone pay for his child’s care while he is at work? At least for 50 % of the time as he is 50% responsible for the child?
the RP is effectively providing free childcare for the 35% (approx) of the time that the child SHOULD be with the nrp exactly excellent post
You're being deliberately obtuse. I completely agree
It is far from being a helpless victim to want your child's dad to take 50% of the responsibility of parenting them.