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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH pissed off with me as I was 2 mins late sitting down to dinner as I was doing the laundry

174 replies

MadameBrioche · 08/11/2020 19:53

DH has the massive hump with me as he cooked a Sunday dinner. He said dinner was ready but I was waiting for a spin to finish in the washing machine to hang up DC’s uniforms so they’d dry by tomorrow. It’s as 2 mins. I got to the table, DC finished their dinner quickly and then he started clearing up all the food even though I was mid-meal as he was pissed off I was late to dinner as it’s rare to get us all eating together.
AIBU - I was late to dinner and so it’s my fault and obviously I’m in the wrong
AINBU - it was 2 fucking minutes doing laundry for the DC

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameBrioche · 08/11/2020 20:37

I am very unhappy to be honest. DH has turned from being a lovely kind man before DC to a very mean, critical, sarcastic, belittling person after. He’s become loads worse during lockdown. Sorry, this is more than just the roast dinner I’ve realised. I’m just so upset about his pettiness. I appreciate I was late, but he was just so nasty afterwards. I’m leaving this thread as I shouldn’t have started it, I’ve realised it’s about more than the dinner. I’m so unhappy at the moment. Sorry.

OP posts:
Poppingnostopping · 08/11/2020 20:37

My husband comes from a country where meals take 2 or 3 hours, so being 3 minutes late to the table would be unremarkable.

I guess it comes down to the aim of the dinner- to encourage family bonding, relaxing together, enjoyment, or whether everyone starting at the same time and finishing at the same time is more important, even if some people are then grumpy/making points.

I think it's fine they started without you, that's what I would have done if the other person was busy with chores.

rottiemum88 · 08/11/2020 20:37

All the other factors aside, I hate when people do this. I make most of the meals in our house and don't tolerate lateness to the table. It's very disrespectful, particularly because if food sits there getting cold, it's never going to taste as nice as it would have at its optimum temperature, so it's like the effort I'd have gone to for everything to be timed exactly right is wasted. I reckon I'd probably allow 2-3 minutes max, getting increasingly annoyed, before the food would have gone in the bin.

Oysterbabe · 08/11/2020 20:38

Yabu.
I bet it was way longer than 2 minutes if they finished miles before you. My husband does stuff like this all the time and it really pisses me off. It's so rude. 30 minutes would not have made a difference as to whether the clothes dry for tomorrow or not.

pastabest · 08/11/2020 20:38

sorry I find people not sitting down for a meal that someone else has cooked for them really really rude.

3 bits of laundry that have all night to dry absolutely do not trump a hot plated up meal waiting on the table. Rude rude rude.

An ex used to do this to me all the time, would find something he had to 'just' do when a meal was ready. Was only ever 5-10 minutes late to the table but that's a lifetime when hot food is going cold and I seethed every time.

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 08/11/2020 20:39

I would have left it for the 30 mins needed to eat dinner. Let's be honest, 30 mins wasn't going to make a difference as to whether the clothes were dry tomorrow. An overreaction from your DH but I can see why he's pissed off

Chewbecca · 08/11/2020 20:39

It would have irritated me that the laundry couldn't have waited until after you'd eaten so I say YABU.
Your husband was BU in his reaction too but it's easier to see why he had the hump. And it probably worsened by your defence rather than a simple 'oh, sorry about sorting the uniforms whilst you were waiting, this looks lovely, thank you'.

Poppingnostopping · 08/11/2020 20:39

@MadameBrioche, don't worry, it sounds horrible and tense for nothing, when you are doing your best (four loads of washing in a day, I've been there!) As you say, something bigger going on. I'd be tempted to have The Chat, the one where you say you can't go on like this and he's not actually the house controller.

Didyousaynutella · 08/11/2020 20:40

My DH does this all the time. Never sits down when I say dinner is ready. It infuriates me. It also sets a really bad example to the kids. It’s the source of many an argument. There is always something more important he is faffing around with. When you have gone to trouble of faffing a nice meal you want to sit down together and start at the same time. Two no outs is a fair amount off. Time,

2bazookas · 08/11/2020 20:40

can't quite believe he and the kids had nearly finished eating their dinner in 2 minutes, so perhaps you were later than that.

I'd be pretty pissed off too.

ImMoana · 08/11/2020 20:41

@katy1213

Very rude of him to clear plates before you'd finished. And if the children gobble their dinner, I wouldn't be allowing them to leave the table either.
Sounds like a laugh a minute at your place.
Shitfuckoh · 08/11/2020 20:42

@MadameBrioche
I had a feeling when I read the OP & then the post from you about how you're doing such & such, that it was about more than just the dinner.

I hope things work out for you.
If you need to post about the rest of the issues, please do feel free.
(for what it's worth, he's a cock reacting as he did, no matter how long you were!) He may have found it rude but clearing away the table when someone is still eating is the height of rudeness.

LeSquigh · 08/11/2020 20:43

YANBU. Washing is a fucking pain to dry at this time of year and every second counts when it’s school uniforms!

Lollypop701 · 08/11/2020 20:43

I get this was unintentional, but people have commented on one issue when the reality is a very different one. The penny appears to have dropped op. Hope you’re ok... or will be.

babycakes1010 · 08/11/2020 20:44

Why are you with this nob head ...after reading your replies he sounds a right twat...get rid!

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 08/11/2020 20:44

@MadameBrioche

I am very unhappy to be honest. DH has turned from being a lovely kind man before DC to a very mean, critical, sarcastic, belittling person after. He’s become loads worse during lockdown. Sorry, this is more than just the roast dinner I’ve realised. I’m just so upset about his pettiness. I appreciate I was late, but he was just so nasty afterwards. I’m leaving this thread as I shouldn’t have started it, I’ve realised it’s about more than the dinner. I’m so unhappy at the moment. Sorry.
That sounds tough, OP.

Maybe start a new thread in Relationships? Talking will help.

Shoxfordian · 08/11/2020 20:44

@MadameBrioche

Sorry to read your last post. If you wanted to post on relationships about it all then you'd get more advice

Roystonv · 08/11/2020 20:45

Good God, if I added up the minutes every time I cooked a meal and had to wait for family to turn up at the table I would gain a year! Feel it is because a man has cooked we all have to worship him.

EisQuiaPiusEs · 08/11/2020 20:45

@MadameBrioche

The washing had been done, the three items weren’t drying so I did a spin just with them. I didn’t do a load just with three items.
And even if you had done, it's nobody else's business.
bengalcat · 08/11/2020 20:46

I or my DP cook a roast most Sundays . A few extra minutes prior to serving wouldn’t make a difference . I’d have told him to give me a few minutes to complete said task before sitting down . If I arrived late to the table with all wolfing food down I’d have apologised for my late arrival and then ignored his strop . Clearing away before you had finished was somewhat rude but assuming the food was good I would tell him what a lovely meal he cooked with a smile on my face and totally disregard the ‘toddler tantrum ‘ . Move on , pick your battles .

pastabest · 08/11/2020 20:46

@MadameBrioche

I am very unhappy to be honest. DH has turned from being a lovely kind man before DC to a very mean, critical, sarcastic, belittling person after. He’s become loads worse during lockdown. Sorry, this is more than just the roast dinner I’ve realised. I’m just so upset about his pettiness. I appreciate I was late, but he was just so nasty afterwards. I’m leaving this thread as I shouldn’t have started it, I’ve realised it’s about more than the dinner. I’m so unhappy at the moment. Sorry.
I'm sure my ex would have same about me. Thing is, his lack of respect for anyone else's time, feelings and his generally wandering round in his own world doing the stuff that was important to him (his 3 bits of washing on a spin cycle that he MUST hang up before eating what I had cooked ) rather than working as part of a family unit was mildly annoying before children etc and became INFURIATING afterwards when it felt like there was more at stake.

Men can become more abusive when children come along, but on the flip side children also have an uncanny knack of highlighting the flaws that were already there in a relationship before they came along.

grapewine · 08/11/2020 20:46

OP, just saw your last update. Maybe start another thread where you can get advice on the bigger issues? I'm sorry you're Ina tough situation.

Eugenieonegin · 08/11/2020 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessBuggerPants · 08/11/2020 20:49

OP you were really rude and dismissive of the effort he had put in.

@bridezilla you bought that on yourself by putting up with it. You could all have had a nice Christmas with no shouting if you had let her get on with her martyr act rather than insisted everybody else performed a rival one.

OutOntheTilez · 08/11/2020 20:50

There's a saying, OP:

"A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does."

Not really true at all. My husband changed after we had children, becoming a child himself, and not necessarily for the better.

As you've realized, it's about more than Sunday dinner and laundry. I hope things get better for you Flowers