Sister-in-Law and Facebook

[EWAB]

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

This isn't really about facebook, is it...

Yanbu. I would speak to your brother about it tbh

I wouldn't waste emotional energy getting worked up over this. SIL has been honest, so at least you know where you stand and can stop trying to play happy families. One less person to deal with, in my opinion.

It is a snub and yes, if you have an inherent belief that when you get married you gain another family then it’s upsetting.

Plenty of posters on here do surprise me with the attitude that in laws are the job of their partners to always deal with. I guess I’m lucky enough to actually love all of my in laws.

I doubt this one will change so you might as well drop it. It would be interesting if she maintains this stance if they have a family.

Wow, she is a piece of work. Uanbu. I don't have much in common with my in laws but they are obviously important to my DH and my DC family too so I make an effort to be involved.

Did she mean she wasn’t going to do “wife work”? That’s a common theme on here - women end up being lumbered with remembering all the birthdays etc for their husbands family as well as their own. She seems to be saying she doesn’t want to end up being secretary - organising things for her husband, passing messages on etc. She may not have put it very well?

My brother is with his third long term partner

I don’t have her on my Facebook. Why would I? She’s not my friend. If there’s anything he wants her to see on my Facebook, he can show her.

Good for her. Keeping wife work in its place.

Do you have a close relationship with your brother??

TBF she has a point... if he doesn't keep in the loop with you why should she?

IWas she right to assume that she would end up doing wife work for your brother I wonder?

So she's not interested in being friends other than as your brother's wife-that's OK isn't it?

Meh why do you so desperately want to be friends with her ? Can’t you just stay in touch with your brother? He hasn’t snubbed you has he?

I should add. I’ve been there before with my brothers first wife and really made an effort. She cut me off as soon as they split.

In my case, I tried really hard with my SIL and BIL and their 3 kids. As soon as I split from me ex the cut me off stone dead.

I won’t do that again.

My ex. And they.

Sounds like she phrased it clumsily, but I don’t think there's anything rude in the sentiment - she married your brother, not his family and doesn’t want to get caught up in others’ business/end up being responsible for wife-work etc. All she’s done is what many people on MN are quick to advise - leave DH’s family to DH......

I’m not sure how being on someone’s face book amounts to wife work but she made her position clear and she’s been honest. I’d just be civil when I saw her next. Communicate with your brother abs leave her to it. You can’t force a relationship

Sorry I think YABU, I hate enforced friendships, seems to be a predominantly female thing. Are your husbands Facebook friends with your brother?

I don't blame her, my dsil contact me for all birthday, xmas info etc. I pass it all on to my dh.

I agree with her. She's taking a stand against taking on the wife work of managing her husbands relationships with his own family. Good for her.

I have tried very hard to do similar but am still the family secretary. And often in the position of receiving something so hard to actually complain. Every query from his sisters or parents about what the kids might like for birthday or xmas comes to me, every query about when to visit, even parcels with gifts for the kids arrive with my name on them for me to open (and wrap usually). DH ignores the parcels because they have my name on them. All very lovely but they are DH's DC too...we both work and I have enough to do answering the queries for my own family.

I respect her drawing that boundary and not making herself responsible for this stuff, it's so irritating to get those "DW, can you get DH to contact his mother please, we haven't heard from him for ages" type messages. I married him...I didn't become his PA.

You can be disappointed, but she’s done nothing wrong.

Exactly as @Aquamarine1029 says!

This wouldn't worry me at all. There is no rule that says you have to be involved just because someone is apparently a relation.

@Newmumatlast

Yanbu. I would speak to your brother about it tbh

Speak about what? His wife isn't friends with his sisters? His wife is perfectly able to pick her own friends. She isn't rude. She doesn't treat them with disrespect. She just isn't their friend

Meh she’s not wrong. She doesn’t want to be the go to for all of you. Your clearly not friends so yabu

The comment to your sister was really rude and perhaps antagonistic but at least you know where you stand... ( Don’t bite back)

Focus on maintaining your relationship with your brother and his children. I’d even forget to put her name on Xmas cards ect..

@Newmumatlast

Yanbu. I would speak to your brother about it tbh

“Wifey you MUST be friends with my sisters on Facebook. I am lord and master and I say so. Make it so.”

“Fuck off you twat”

I agree with her.