Sister-in-Law and Facebook

[EWAB]

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

I'm not quite sure why you would be so offended.

You don't really socialise with her, she isn't your friend but you want to be her "Facebook friend", I'm not sure why ?

Are you close with your brother? What does he think ?

Why is it a snub? They’re not friends?

When you marry someone you do join their family and its a sign of an unpleasant person that they would snub their apparent loved ones family in this way. She doesn't need to be bosom buddy pals with her BILs and SILs etc but facebook friends and involving them in family gatherings is appropriate and kind and normal ffs.

Not everybody has 800 Facebook "friends".

Some of us have REAL friends and family, only people who are close enough to spend weekends and possibly holidays with us. Not sure random why random in-laws should fit in this category.

You absolutely not join another family when you marry someone!

She didn't handle it in the best way but maybe she got stuck with all the communication with an ex other half's family and has just decided to not go down that road again. If that is why and she had explained her rationale would you be any happier about things?

She possibly has a point about ending up being the default contact, it's probably similar with 2 of my 3 brothers and with DH's brother too I guess as I tend to be in contact with his wife more than DH is with his brother (although she isn't on FB). However.... I really like my sister in laws, we all get on well and also with my sisters, so it's not like they are my brothers PAs, I just consider them my friends.

She clearly doesn't want to be friends so not a lot you can do.

@Lowkeevslucille

I like her

So she is perfectly lovely and friendly when you see her, but getting on with her life and doesn't want to be best-friend with her husband's family.

Why should she? Why do you need her as a friend?

As long as she doesn't stop your brother to see his family, but is leaving it to him to do as he please, hats off to her. There would be less drama in the world if everybody was like that.

Treat her like any normal person, if you could become friend because you just click, you will. Stop assuming that she has to adore you simply because you are her husband's siblings.

I agree with this. I'm perfectly nice to my husband's family but they're his family, not mine. I won't be messaging his nephews and nieces but, when I see them, I will remember their children, bring things that they'd like - and fully contribute to big events and get togethers.

I respect your SIL OP for keeping off FB, it's the scourge for many people and I don't see this as a snub. If your SIL is nice to you when she sees you then that's good enough - she likes you. Be nice to her in return, no need to send FB messages.

I do feel sorry for family members that really want to integrate with others to a large degree if it's not what is the norm for the other family member but, they're not obliged to ante up to fit your communication norms.

I think I'm with her. Just because someone married my sibling, I don't think I need to keep in touch with the person, unless it was mutual interest. I don't socialise with my dh's sister or brother personally, point of contact is always my dh in regards to his family.
I don't get why you feel offended.

I'd find it pretty rude to refuse to be friends, I'd feel the same if anyone declined the offer, and told me why. Particularly a sister in law (and I am friends with my sister in law) and never contact her about presents etc, I contact my sister in stead about stuff like that.
It's also insulting that she thinks you would sexistdly contact her over your brother about stuff. Surely your just being friendly and then can see common grounds to discuss when meeting up (ie both like same tv shows etc)

Although she has expressed it in a way that sounds as if she is not interested in any of you, she does have a point about being left with the "wife work". My SIL does all the birthday cards for her DH's family, even his twin brother!!!! What sort of lazy git can't be arsed to send his own twin brother a card on their birthday??

I'm actually kind of with her on this one...

I’m sorry but friending am in law on Facebook and clicking the odd like on posts is considered “wife work”?! How fucking lazy is that?

Clearly not a nice person. Avoid, avoid like the fucking PLAGUE.

Afraid to say I agree with her. If there's no close relationship between her and her DP's sisters then there IS no point in her being on their Facebook contacts list as well as his. This SiL ignored your sister's request yet still she pushed her, and then when she was told the blunt truth didn't like the response.

I'm sorry you feel snubbed, OP. I took a similar stance to your SiL with my DP's own sister, and she took umbrage and eventually created divides in their family. From my perspective I had very good reasons for wanting to keep my distance from her. But even if things were otherwise, there's no law which says someone who married your brother has to be your close friend. Hopefully you can forget about it and just concentrate on the positive relationships you have with your siblings. She's not going to change her mind.

If they've already been married a few years & she hasn't shown an interest in being friends, why would she want to be a FB friend?

Perhaps she should just have left her explanation at "no point as your brother is on FB" though?

Why did your sister feel the need to message thugh & not just leave it?

I think she sounds unpleasant and was unnecessarily rude.

Being 'friends' on FB is a huge leap away from doing all the 'wife work', whatever that might mean in this case, nothing but the sounds of it as they didn't even invite sibling's spouses to their wedding. I find her statement bizzare and rude. If she wanted to decline the friends request that would be fair enough but she could have been a lot more polite.

I sort of admire her bluntness. But it is a little harsh when you don't even know your in laws properly.

My perfectly lovely, normal in laws immediately saw me as my husband's secretary when I became a stay at home mum to a baby & toddler. Which annoyed me because my days were more crazy than DHs. He had time to look on his computer at lunch and organise cards/present/organising outings. I barely had time to use the toilet.

I remember seeing red when she messaged me "just to remind you it's SILs wedding anniversary on xyz, so remember to send a card". I forwarded it to DH and told her so. I love my MIL but I told her clearly this arrangement wasn't for me to become the family admin as I planned to go back to work at some point and like fuck would I be doing all of that by myself indefinitely.

Why do I have to have someone on my Facebook who I don’t want to have on my Facebook?

As long as she doesn't stop your brother to see his family, but is leaving it to him to do as he please, hats off to her. There would be less drama in the world if everybody was like that.

Totally concur.

The 'joining families' line always leaves me scratching my head too. No. You really don't.

'there's no law which says someone who married your brother has to be your close friend'.

There's a massive difference between being FB friends and close friends. Many people have >100 FB friends, most of whom are clearly acquaintances rather than close friends. Several of my close friends are not on FB and none of them communicate with me via FB so I don't see the correlation between the two things.

I agree with the rest of the post about trying to just move on and accept the way she feels.

I have 40-odd people on my Facebook. They’re my close friends and immediate family only.

Am I doing Facebook wrong?

Undecided on this one.
They way she has gone about it and her explanation is quite blunt and rude.
But I understand.
I think many of us have gotten close to in-laws only to find it miserable. Or a chore keeping track of kid's birthdays & getting court up in organising family event.
Given my time again I think I would take the distance approach too.

*caught up

@SinisterBumFacedCat

I’m sorry but friending am in law on Facebook and clicking the odd like on posts is considered “wife work”?! How fucking lazy is that?

Clearly not a nice person. Avoid, avoid like the fucking PLAGUE.

You're totally missing the point.

Why should she have to be friends with people she doesn't know, just because they're related to her husband? Her Facebook, she can add whoever she likes on there. It's not a "snub" to want to keep your social media reasonably private.

And the "wifework" is nothing to do with liking the odd post. She thinks she'll end up being the one sorting Christmas, birthday cards etc. If her husband isn't arsed, why should she be?

Totally agree with Lowkeevslucille. Good on her, she's friendly what more do you want. I admire her honesty and wish I'd had the guts to keep my distance from DH family from day one, they're so demanding and negative, and I have my own family, I'm completely running on empty.

I have a few hundred FB friends, but my BiL is not one of them. I like the guy, we get on fine but I just don't feel a need to stay up to date with every detail of his life? If my BiL would add me on Facebook, I would accept the friend request, but if anything, I admire your SiL for maintaining her boundaries and saying no, especially if she has previous negative experiences of being turned into her husband's secretary.

Not very friendly!