Sister-in-Law and Facebook

[EWAB]

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

At least she's being honest. It's not up to you to force her to have any sort of relationship with you, actually doing so is proving her point in a way. As long as she's civil, not spiteful and hateful towards you then what's the issue really? Maybe she has a full life or tends to keep herself to herself, doesn't mean she dislikes you. & She has at least partly explained why she is as she is. If you carry on with this it could be seen as you hassling her. I don't know what getting your H to have a word with her would achieve. People are people, and not always the way we'd like or choose them to be. At times we have to just accept it.

I don’t understand why you’re ‘really upset”. If she feels that your db will expect her to do all the wife work re birthdays/meet ups etc, then she’s quite within her rights to refuse the fb thing. I have nothing to do with my DH’s SILs bar meeting up once a year, when everyone gets on and likes each other, but in between times, I really don’t have time.

@BuggerationFlavouredCrisps

YABU because if she doesn’t want to play happy families, that’s her choice and it doesn’t make her a bad person. She obviously prefers to keep in-law family members at a polite distance.

However, I agree that it’s a sad state of affairs and ultimately it’s your brother’s future children that will miss out on enjoying a close relationship with their cousins on your side of the family.

Some people love nothing more than big family get togethers and others (like my DH) struggle to get through the occasion especially if some family members are right wing Brexit voting nutters. Personally, I will openly disagree with their politics but we can still share food and chit chat without being overtly rude.

Why wouldn't the brother's future children jave a relationship with their cousins? Its brother's job to facilitate the relationship. Not SIL. You literally just handed her wife work. Because Sil doesn't want to be Facebook friends equals no relationship with future cousin. What about dad?

Just to clarify they already have two children together. He also has two children from his first marriage.
None of my siblings although we are close ourselves really promote cousin relationships which upsets me and I have tried to get them together. The cousins get on but the ages range from early twenties to toddlers.
We would not expect our sister-in-law to do ‘wife work’ but would expect our brothers to bring their kids up to know their cousins but it isn’t happening. Ironically my sister isn’t good at this either.

Wow It just shows you Facebook is a mine field, even my own sister she has lives in the states for 10 Years.. she is sentinels on Facebook with memories and we used what’s app each other all of the time but now we stay in touch for special occasions and when they come to visit is in the U.K. My husbands sister and family live nearby and she got upset a few years ago I made a comment that my husband agreed with and she took me off? We are adults now and feel I am still stuck in The school days, why not just move on the most important things are your children, trying to stay out of debt and making some nice memories, as we ate here for the long haul! even friends can be more high maintenance than Family members these days!! 😀

She's got a good point. Women often become the person everyone assumes will organise things with the family even when it's the man who's related to them.

She just doesn't want you all to use her to organise things instead of him. Bit of a harsh way to do it but her choice.

Oops Zombie thread

ZOMBIE THREAD 🧟‍♀️ and a

YABU.
I can see her point.
She was honest, that’s good.

I sort of see what she means. How many posts do we see on her where it’s the woman who remembers family birthdays for her partner and through whom invites are sent rather than the partner

That said I don’t see why she wouldn’t want to engage with you outside of arranging anything, just making comments on a post doesn’t caus3 any issues

My brothers fiancé is like this even though... I've known her since she was 6 (her and my brother have been best friends in same class and got together at 13, still together 10 years on with children)

She just blocked me on everything and even said to my mum "he deals with his family, I deal with mine" we literally watched her grow up lol and have done nothing to upset her that we are aware of (my brother would definitely have told us lol)

I find it very strange. She won't even give my mum her number yet my mum was primary childminder for a good two years.

Absolutely barbaric

Op she’s entitled to set her own boundaries. Just accept it and don’t cause angst and cause problems. She doesn’t want involved, she’s nice when you see her, that’s her boundary, if you want to contact your brother or organise something she’s saying do it through him.

Respect her boundary.

You have had two SIl snub you... maybe you are too pushy

Your brother should be the one keeping communication going not her, does your brother give you likes on FB ?

I don't think it's odd. My partner isn't really interested in being friends with my brothers. They get on fine when they meet. I don't have that much contact with my brothers' wives although I like them. It does seem to be something that is forced onto women and to be honest I don't really see why I need to have separate relationships with my partner's family. I don't have much in common with them, I have plenty of friends already, I certainly don't want the aggro of sorting out all the presents and visits. It's enough just to go along with whatever visits get arranged and get along whilst we are there.
Some people rate family above everything and others don't. Neither is wrong.

DH organises all the birthday cards, presents for his side of the family. I leave him to it. They aren't really close so I am neither up nor down about it.

I don't blame your SIL, OP. It's best not to start all that crap. Life is stressful enough as it is!

@Bluntness100

Op she’s entitled to set her own boundaries. Just accept it and don’t cause angst and cause problems. She doesn’t want involved, she’s nice when you see her, that’s her boundary, if you want to contact your brother or organise something she’s saying do it through him.

Respect her boundary.

I agree.

I like the cut of her jib.
I fully intend to do this in my next relationship.

I don’t see anything wrong with this. You say she’s nice when you meet up in person, so it sounds like she makes an effort when it matters. Some people just don’t like social media or prefer to have a bit of privacy. Fair enough. I don’t think she’s being unreasonable and she’s been very honest with you about it.

Are you in contact with your sisters husband? Are you equally involved with him and his thoughts feelings birthdays etc?

I like the cut of her jib. Let's face it, she'd only end up being considered 'responsible' for cards/gifts to your DC, being a woman and all that. It would be her getting the blame if pictures of the offspring were not 'liked' and commented on. It would be her being asked to remind BIL that it is Auntie Mabel's birthday in three weeks time.

I wish more women had the confidence to say 'No' to wifework.

You say she is pleasant when face to face so what is the problem? You and your sister are creating a problem. If you allow this resentment to continue, it will end up where all contacts will be frosty and it will be your own doing. Respect other people's boundaries without resentment. I don't use Facebook so excuse my ignorance re terms used but if she accepts you as friend, but then doesn't have time to respond to messages/posts, will she be resented even more?

I think she just doesn’t want to get into disagreements/who-said-what situations. I deeply regret getting into direct conversations and trying to building a relationship with my inlaws. They got involved in everything, demanded a lot of attention and time, caused massive arguments and a big rift in my marriage. You and your side of the family could be really nice people. With time, she’ll hopefully see that and start making an effort. It may not happen too. But “Taking it up” at this point will only push her away

YABU
By the sounds of it your brother views in laws the same way if he'd prefer to invite his friends (people close to him) over his in laws (your partners) so they will be well suited. Neither puts pressure on the other to get involved if they don't want to. There is nothing wrong with that and it will work well for them (as it does for me and my DP).

There's no given rule that you will automatically get on and be friends with the siblings of the person you marry. Why is it ok for you to decide who your brother invites to his wedding? Why should he pay for people to attend who he's civil with but not particularly fussed about being there, over his long term friends who know him much better? It is possible to love someone but not their relatives/friends/partners. As long as she's polite, friendly and respectful in person I don't see your problem?

Not everyone has 100s of friends on SM. I only have about 50 (mostly family) because I want to post whatever I want without a debate with someone I don't particularly care about. I also don't want the whole world to know my business and hence feel that I would want to hear their opinion on it. Maybe you won't be one of those people who argue or judge etc but your SIL doesn't know that....yet. Get to know her in real life first and she might decide she's willing to let you in a little bit more.