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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister-in-Law and Facebook

148 replies

EWAB · 07/11/2020 16:53

My brother married for the second time a few years ago. I posted on here how upset we all were as they did not invite their siblings’ spouses to wedding. My sister-in-law has not shown any real interest in any of us and appears not to know the names of our children. She is perfectly lovely when you are with her but rarely comes out.
I use Facebook infrequently and rarely post but I did add her but assumed she was the same as me regards Facebook and forgot it.
My sister moves around with her husband’s job and is now in the States so we have been using Facebook more. She added SiL but unlike me realised she had had no response, She messaged her but SiL replied she couldn’t see the point if brother had Facebook.
She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.
My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

OP posts:

OuiOuiKitty · 07/11/2020 17:34

I'm not friends with my sils and have minimal interest in them or their lives. I'm perfectly pleasant if I see them but don't go out of my way to see them or anything. I'm sure they are perfectly lovely but dh isn't close to them so it doesn't make any sense for me to start messaging them on Facebook or trying to build a relationship with them.

unlikelytobe · 07/11/2020 17:45

I like the sound of your sis in law! Give her a wide berth if you're so offended by her honesty/tactlessness/anti-social attitude. SM (and family!) expectations can be overbearing.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 07/11/2020 17:47

She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary. She feels that it is better if brother deals with us and she deals with her own family.

She sounds sensible TBH

GlummyMcGlummerson · 07/11/2020 17:48

@Grooticle

Did she mean she wasn’t going to do “wife work”? That’s a common theme on here - women end up being lumbered with remembering all the birthdays etc for their husbands family as well as their own. She seems to be saying she doesn’t want to end up being secretary - organising things for her husband, passing messages on etc. She may not have put it very well?

Yes I think it eventually falls to woman if she's not really committed at the beginning to saying "your family, yours to remember and bring touch with". I admire someone who doesn't stand for that kind of shit

Ragwort · 07/11/2020 17:48

She was being perfectly honest, if a little blunt. I don't use FB so it wouldn't bother me either way, I have three SILs, one of whom I get on with very well, and would phone for a chat or visit on my own; with the others I have a perfectly civil relationship on the rare occasion we meet at a family gathering but we would not call each other 'friends'. The same applies to my DH and my siblings (although he is close to one of my DBs who happens to be staying with us at the moment . There is no point in forcing a friendship.

Out of interest, did you maintain the friendship with your DB's first wife after the divorce? I often think that situation must be hard especially if the first wife has been 'aunt' to any children on the DH's side.

carbhunter · 07/11/2020 17:50

I always like to imagine it the other way round. Would this woman's siblings befriend your brother on Facebook and be insulted if he didn't respond to messages and make an effort with them?

My brother in laws don't message me and I see them sporadically at family events when they can be arsed to show up. We get on well and I expect very little from them except cordiality and the same of my sister in laws.

Women are held to a much higher standard unnecessarily in my opinion. My sister doesn't contact my husband for no specific reason, why would she

FuzzyPuffling · 07/11/2020 17:51

I am utterly certain that not one of my three BILs know the names of any of my children.

I don't give a flying fandango.

ImMoana · 07/11/2020 17:51

YABU. She’s entitled to her privacy without people feeling “outraged”, “snubbed” and “really upset”. Massive overreaction.

Monkeymilkshake · 07/11/2020 17:54

Good for her. At least she is upfront and honest. Just because she married your brother doesnt mean she has to be your friends. I'm not friends with my dh's sisters. They are nice enough but neither of us would speak to each other if we weren't linked by DH.
Likewise, i dont expect DH to be besty with my sister. He hardly ever speaks to her and she to him.

phoenixrosehere · 07/11/2020 17:54

I can understand being hurt however, I think you and your sister are both BU.

She has been clear on the reason and she makes a good point. It is relatively easier when partners deal with their own families and it isn’t down to one person to do the work for both sides. Plus, as she said, her brother does have Facebook so why do you and your sister need to friend her?

Plus, you said yourself that she is lovely when you’re out but doesn’t come out often. She hasn’t been rude or impolite in the past so why is this an issue? It may change if they have children.

Besides, she hasn’t said she doesn’t like you or your sister, she just doesn’t see the point of being friends on Facebook which isn’t the end of the world. Sometimes I regret having some of my husband’s family members as Facebook friends because of the stuff they post. I end up hiding them for 30 days,

Lowkeevslucille · 07/11/2020 17:54

I like her

So she is perfectly lovely and friendly when you see her, but getting on with her life and doesn't want to be best-friend with her husband's family.

Why should she? Why do you need her as a friend?

As long as she doesn't stop your brother to see his family, but is leaving it to him to do as he please, hats off to her. There would be less drama in the world if everybody was like that.

Treat her like any normal person, if you could become friend because you just click, you will. Stop assuming that she has to adore you simply because you are her husband's siblings.

Unescorted · 07/11/2020 17:55

I am not Fb / Twitter / and other SM friends with my husbands siblings or my siblings spouses. I don't see it as a snub and I don't think they feel is is a snub - we just like to give each other space.

Temporary1234 · 07/11/2020 17:58

I don’t think you should’ve applied this pressure on her when she didn’t add your sister.

I think she sensed that you aren’t treating her as an individual with her own judgement on who she cares to be friends with and just assuming she owes you becshse your brother did her the favour of marrying her .

Did your sister make much of an effort with her outside of Facebook before marriage?

I tried to make effort with my SIL when my brother was marrying her, she snubbed me and gave me a speech about how I’m coming in between her and my brother (merely for asking a simple question while getting to know her for the first time).

When I had a child she decided that she wants to give me friendly personal advice about my fertility journey and children.

I fell for it and decided to humour her conversations.

When she had her first born, I was excited to know more about my neice and wanted to contact my brother who was sharing information about his daughter with me, simple ones..

She made a fuss about how it’s not my place.

So I decided she isn’t material for friendship and now I ignore her faux friendly attempts

Focus on ur brother OP. She sounds insecure

BlueThistles · 07/11/2020 17:59

these types of people are best ignored ☺️

she has her family and he has his 🌺

pinkyredrose · 07/11/2020 18:01

Did your brothers first wife end up being his secretary?

Feedingthebirds1 · 07/11/2020 18:06

She went on to say she wasn’t going to get involved with in-laws as her sister had made this mistake and how she ended up being her husband’s secretary.

But that's down to her sister's husband being a dick and expecting his wife to do all the remembering and organising. If your brother isn't a dick, that wouldn't happen would it?

You know your brother better than us to be able to call which way that would go.

picosandsancerre · 07/11/2020 18:06

She isnt your friends, you werent invited to the wedding and clearly dont have a friendship style relationship. Maybe the issue here is that your all feeling pissed off at not being at your brothers wedding and assuming it is SIL to blame. Perhaps improve your relationship with your DB an not redirect frustration onto his new wife. I would have declined and SM invites too, i blocked my outlaws from mine as they started trying to befriend my mums friends, they hadnt even met my mum and it was very stalkerish

CatherinedeBourgh · 07/11/2020 18:06

I don’t see the problem...

Lowkeevslucille · 07/11/2020 18:08

@picosandsancerre

I think it's the spouses of the siblings that were not invited the siblings were invited

at least that's what's in the OP

picosandsancerre · 07/11/2020 18:12

Lowkeevslucille you are correct...my early wine consumption is proving to be my downfall this evening!

MiniMum97 · 07/11/2020 18:14

I think she sounds horrible and is being unnecessarily rude.

When you marry someone you do join their family and its a sign of an unpleasant person that they would snub their apparent loved ones family in this way. She doesn't need to be bosom buddy pals with her BILs and SILs etc but facebook friends and involving them in family gatherings is appropriate and kind and normal ffs.

Wife work is an completely irrelevant excuse - that issue would be easily solved by a conversation with her husband that he does his family and she does hers, no need to cut off a whole raft of relations. She's gone too far in trying to set boundaries and cutting people out is extreme when she can just say that she won't be writing their Christmas cards. As I've done with my husband - I talk to my in laws though and am friends with them on FB - doesn't mean the wife work is up to me so we divvy up appropriately. Crap excuse to cut off part of her husband's family. I would be very offended and wouldn't be "making nice" at parties with her tbh - but I am rubbish at pretending.

Butchyrestingface · 07/11/2020 18:14

My sister is outraged by what she sees as a snub and I am really upset.AIBU?

You both seem a bit emotionally invested in a woman who appears to give neither of you even a passing thought.

I'd accept her position and leave it there. You say she's "perfectly lovely" when you're with her, which is a damn sight more than a lot of posters on this site would say about their in-laws, regardless of the amount of contact they have with them.

vanillandhoney · 07/11/2020 18:16

Meh, I don't see the problem.

I've never met one of my SIL's. She probably wouldn't recognise me if she saw me in the street. One I'm friends with because we have dogs the same age and walk in the same places. The others I'm friendly with if I see them but otherwise...no.

It's not that they're horrible people or anything, but they're 20 years older than me and DH never sees them, so there's no reason for me to be overly friendly with them either .

Fcuk38 · 07/11/2020 18:17

I did exactly this. Actually makes things a lot simpler. Other in laws didn’t do this and they be having disputed with the mother in law whereas it was really the husbands place to have the dispute.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/11/2020 18:18

It is a snub but she is being perfectly upfront about it. She is not your friend and doesn’t wish to be. Treat her back accordingly.

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